Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML
Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML
Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Today, our landlord came over to chop down our cherished apple tree. While doing so, he ate one of the apples, concurring that they really did taste excellent. FML
Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML
Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML
Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, my elderly neighbor had asked me to take her to her early morning doctor's appointment. I arrived at her house at 7:30 as agreed, and she appeared to have forgotten who I was. She started lobbing eggs out of her window at me, telling me she wasn't interested in what I was selling. FML
Today, I told my parents that I was planning a garden for my house. My child of a mother got upset and jealous, because, "When you were younger, you hated working outside with us." Sorry for maturing and developing new interests in the past 30 years, I guess. FML
Today, I took my grandmother shopping and insisted on carrying everything myself. Halfway across the parking lot, one bag ripped open and 6 oranges rolled in different directions. Watching 3 strangers chase fruit while my grandmother laughed harder than I've ever seen was somehow both wholesome and humiliating. FML
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Top comments
tsim_fml 0
Your dads the shit.
hollyman 0
Hahahhahaha owed by your father!!!!!!!!
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Comments (259)
seracy13 0
*points* it my dad you lunatic!!! Lol
sparxva 12
Sounds like your Dad deserved it. Lock your Dad out of the house and then help your neighbor pelt him with apples.
macsterfun 3
That I remember. The last thing I saw before I died, was watching you being crudely jizzed on, and then you being thrown into that van. Ew. Why pink? I mean if you want to go around jizzing on people at least make the van white, so people might just clue in what will become of them.
kduubb 7
Funniest fml ever !(:
eighteenkarma 0
Bad ass old person :D
macsterfun 3
Oh thank you KaySL!!!! Thank you, thank you!!! I always dreamed of having a sack of testicles to stroke at night! You are just so kind!
Legendslayer222 26
But throwing those apples means she'll loose even more produce! Next she'll see you picking up one of the apples and will start lobbing potatoes your way. Best you get out of their before you are buried under the weight of the contents of her vegetable patch.
iTransform 8
Nah it would be better if OP kept a basket with her at all times, less trips the the grocery store.
Bonghittinglover 3
What a father lool. :p Stealth missions just like in the past.. ;p
justbigbs 6
Free APPLES, WHERE? can I have some of them?
leemurcat 5
good aim, grandma!