Today, I was outside at a café when I looked at my phone. As I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a girl with her eyes glued to her phone bumped my arm going in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. She dropped her phone, chased me to the bus stop, and told everyone that I broke it. She threatened to call the police. FML
Today, I texted a girl I met at the bar last night. She accused me of being "fake" because she couldn't find me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, then threatened to call the cops on me. FML
Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML
Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML
Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in a straight line but I ended up walking right into an open phone booth. A woman was inside making a phone call. I lost my balance, pinning her up against the wall. She thought I was attacking her and clobbered me with the receiver. FML
Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML
Today, while out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she'd have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back 37 times until I answered and yelled "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?" It was my boss. FML
Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML
Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML
Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML
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Top comments
fuzz97 23
Paranoia is a hell of a thing
challan 19
That's one too many espressos
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Comments (130)
NessieMonster188 17
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Stop! Cellphone radiation is bad for the coffee! It makes it's quality decrease dramatically!
Redoxx_fml 22
But I was just checking the time!
lambda_fml 40
It also makes the quality of the comment decrease dramatically!
DocBastard 40
Nessie, I appreciated your sarcasm, but I just have to do this... its*
NessieMonster188 17
I guess some people just don't appreciate sarcasm :) And @46: I can't believe I missed that xD
gotaplanstan 28
If that's true then you better get someone else to do your microing of waves too...
Plastic_Stitchez 25
This made me smile
becca717 7
no, it's * * ;D
whY402Jay 12
What does that have to do with this post?
fuzz97 23
Paranoia is a hell of a thing
picante72 24
She is actually a spy gathering intel and a cafe diner is her cover.
annie_nk 23
If that's the case, she blew her cover in the most unsubtle way ever :P
zen1979 16
Never said she was a good spy....
rogerdodgeroz 4
Yeah, poor mental health affects everyone in one way or another
anonymous100000 17
OP should've gotten the manager..
challan 19
That's one too many espressos
HouseElf 13
She was probably upset at OP for being a sexist and chauvinistic bastard.
SomeRandomGuy15 18
Somebody's paranoid...
jaime1480 12
Just because I'm paranoid it doesn't mean that they aren't out to get me...
zen1979 16
Who?! Me?! Are you talking about me? You are, aren't you? I knew it!!
NickaPLZ 26
Sounds like it was time to ditch that place. And the psycho madwoman.
trivel64 16
Dump her!
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Wut. Error: Syntax Please re-read the FML.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Someone's been smokin' the refer.
gc327072 31
I smoke that whenever I want to make references.
buddy51 23
That sounds more like someone's been smokin the crack!! Reefer would make her mellow. She's NOT mellow! Hence, it's crack and caffeine that's in the driver's seat and she's in the back seat, screeching...
thepokemonkid 9
I can refer myself to anything I want
IAmJad 18
That's when you know it's time to check yourself into a mental hospital.
IAmJad 18
I wasn't talking about OP. I guess I didn't word it well anyways.
moonsalt 20
I'd cry.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
You mean, "I'd excrete liquid manliness".
picante72 24
So tears are liquid excrement...diarrhea?
Uhscanherdarklee 10
So saliva is considered diarrhea? Gross, sounds like an Orbitz commercial taking too far.
Catkam623 27
Hey spilled coffee is nothing to cry over.
Catkam623 27
Sorry meant to be a reply to #9
VampTat 10
It is if it cost $4.00
MsConfusedd 27
Pretend you are deaf.. and blind. And calmly walk away.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Deaf and blind with a phone. Let's hope she's really stupid, or she might call Op's bullshit.
zen1979 16
Lol Public troll lvl : Commander