Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML
Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML
Today, my husband came home, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me to the bedroom. Furious, I shrieked to be put down and demanded an explanation. He said, "I thought you wanted us to be more spontaneous…" Apparently, that means he should treat me like a sex toy. FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML
Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
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Top comments
alstbv12 13
I guess he wanted to try the one-eyed pirate with you.
alissa222 15
At least he tried?
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Comments (185)
Malevolent_Bunny 0
It sounds to me like the poor sod just got stage fright. "Slay your pussy" and "wench" are not the words you would think of when trying to seduce someone, they're what you scream mid-action when your mouth starts running in neutral. Maybe some firmer direction is needed for next time, good luck!
ANB85 2
Seriously? You asked him for spontaneity, he gives it to you, and then you complain. I say good for him for trying to make you happy. I do hope you didn't hurt his ego for it.
Fellsnows 5
That is the best thing iv ever herd
Tyvex 2
Husbands account: Today my wife complained to me, asking for me to be more spontaneous in bed. I tried by dressing up and assuming a dominant pirate act. She's now complaining at that. It seems I just can't satisfy her no matter how much I try. FML.
violentinsanity 1
What a champ!!
XxQueenofPuppets 10
I think that's sexy ;D
ultra_notorious 26
I got a great laugh from that. Thanks!!!
mrtodddr 0
Well at least your husband is listening to you.
awkward_gothlady 32
Whether you "deserved" it or not, that's pretty funny!
Eiregal2 10
Oh god,now I know why people put "this made my day" in comments. I was having a really shit day and it ends with me picturing this and laughing so hard I nearly fall off my bed.