Bored

Time to shop

Today, I made my whole grocery list out in my head. While having sex with my fiancee. FML

First time

Today, I had sex for the first time. I realised that I was more satisfied by last night's dinner. FML

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

Surprise!

Today, after my girlfriend had said she was cooking surprise dinner for me this week, the crazy thing is I came home early from work and the surprise dinner was she was eating some dude's cock and balls. FML

Today, while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered, "We are so gonna make pizza after this." FML

Hangry sex

Today, during sex, my boyfriend stopped and asked if he could eat a sandwich while we do it. FML

A man without a plan

Today, I was going to surprise my partner with a romantic dinner, but when I got home I realized I had forgotten the main ingredient: the food. FML

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

Right place, wrong time

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML