Today, my quite squeamish girlfriend came with me to get my latest tattoo. She saw a few drops of blood, screamed in the tattooist's ear, and completely fucked up part of the outline. She had to alter the tattoo drastically to cover up the mess and now it just looks bad. FML
Today, my soon-to-be-ex saw me cleaning my creases with a wash rag, even though I’d showered earlier. To him that’s proof that I'd fucked someone else and was wiping away the evidence. To me it’s proof that I need touch ups throughout the day so I don’t stink. I sweat profusely and it’s over 90°F. FML
Today, despite the fact that we love each other and are perfect together, my boyfriend still refuses to leave his wife. Apparently it will "mess his kids up." FML
Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML
Today, I found I'd inherited money through the death of my childless aunt, enough to be debt free and pay my entire mortgage. My cheating ex girlfriend found out and is demanding half, since my aunt died when we were still living together under common law. She’s getting solicitors involved. FML
Today, my girlfriend insisted on doing some stupid TikTok where we say one thing we’d change about each other. She hates that I don’t always put plates straight in the dishwasher. I hate that she gets her makeup all over the sink without cleaning it. She got mad and threw a book at my head. FML
Today, and because our relationship is getting serious, I asked my boyfriend about his stance on having kids one day. He practically projectile vomited on the carpet, which is probably not a good sign. FML
Today, I came across an online profile of one girl I had really liked. Since she moved, I've been thinking about her constantly. It seems as if her boyfriend broke up with her and she's moved on from him, so we're both currently single. I still like her and would love to get in touch with her, but have no way to message her. FML
Today, at around 2 a.m., I texted my crush that I liked him. He replied that he's in a relationship. I just felt a tight knot in my stomach and couldn't breathe for a few seconds. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. I said yes and started gushing over the wedding, buying a house, having kids… He was smiling up until I mentioned kids. One discussion, followed by one blazing row later, he left with the ring, his clothes, and his Xbox. FML
Today, I showed my best friend proof that her husband was sexually harassing me. Now she's refusing to talk to me, and I can't let my own husband out of my sight, for fear that he's going to murder the guy. FML
Today, I came out to my parents. My mother laughed and, when I asked her what was so funny, she told me, "Well, most gays are attractive, muscular, funny and can dress very well. You're ugly, fat, boring, and have no sense of fashion. Good luck." FML
Today, I saw my crush for the first time since she rejected me and said she was a lesbian. The man she was passionately making out with in the dining hall would state quite the opposite. FML
Today, more than fifteen years of marriage and sex at least once a week has given my otherwise lovely husband the stamina to last a minute and a half. We've cum together less than five times. FML
Today, in the middle of a rough separation, my soon-to-be-ex-wife, who refuses to acknowledge it's over, told the children that I'm still going with them on that long-planned family vacation. The children are ecstatic; I however might be a bit less. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were on the road. She saw that I got an innocent text from a friend, Melissa. In a fit of jealous rage, she put the gear of my car to “P” causing the car behind me to rear end me. My bumper fell off. She told me, “Tell that bitch Melissa to take care of that.” FML
Today, my alcoholic boyfriend, who's in jail for violating his conditional bond, told me I'd better not have even one drop of alcohol while he's gone. Oh, and he expects $250 of commissary each week. FML
Today, I was sick and tired of my husband talking to his female friend from high school all the time. They reconnected after 7 years and have been talking non-stop day and night, to the point of neglecting the marriage. I told him it was either me or her. He took off his ring and kicked me out of our house. FML
Today, my mother is mad at me because I dared, yes DARED, to go out with a girl who stands up to her instead of just meekly doing what she tells her. Which should tell you exactly what sort of woman my mother is, so you know this FML is just the tip of my lifelong misery iceberg. FML
Today, I realized that every guy I get with or try a relationship with always ghosts me or friendzones me, and chooses to date someone else. It’s been a repetitive pattern for the past three years or so. I think I’m just going to adopt a bunch of pets and forget dating altogether. FML
Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML
Today, I "hacked" my girlfriend's phone and found out she's been cheating on me for the last 6 months. She's pissed at me because I hacked her phone and invaded her privacy. FML
Today, there's a family reunion in my parents' backyard. I'm not invited because my Mom, Dad, Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents are upset that I'm divorcing my ex-husband. Apparently, trying to kill me doesn't matter since he's funny, always made excellent barbecue chicken in past reunions, and everybody loves him. FML
Today, I had to go to the ER to treat a sprain on my left arm. What caused it? A phone. You read that right. A phone. Particularly, my husband’s phone. It was on the table where I was standing and with one swift motion, he yanked my arm, pulled me out of the way, and snatched the thing. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy. I used to be her college professor and I’d given up my career of 22 years, my wife and kids, and my house in Boca Raton just for her. Nice to know this is the thanks I get. FML
Today, I find it somewhat amusing that I pranked my wife into believing my cousin copyrighted some tech he sold to Microsoft and became a millionaire, and less than 24 hours later my cousin called me asking to know why my wife was trying to slide into his DM’s with nudes. FML
Today, my girlfriend complained that she always feels like shit, and that she's tried "everything" to feel better. Everything except eating regular healthy meals, exercising, sleeping regularly, drinking water, showering, and changing clothes daily, that is. I pointed this out, and she kicked me out in a rage. FML
Today, I found out the guy who rejected me just two days ago, and who told me he was “asexual” and “incapable of feeling romantic love” is in fact very sexual, and very much in love, in the backseat of his SUV with another girl. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted my emotional support after his other girlfriend hit him with a phone charger when she found out he had two girlfriends. Yes folks, the open relationship thing was news for me, too. FML
Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML
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