Today, my sister's boyfriend of over a year broke up with her. As her brother, I instinctively wanted to beat him up, but he is too much of nice guy for me to be able to hurt him. FML
Today, I competed in my first half marathon since getting my new wheelchair. The mile marker I was meant to follow turned out to be the ex I cheated on. I eventually outpaced her, only to bump into the ex who cheated on me. I’ve gotta stop shitting where I eat. FML
Today, my boyfriend of four years, who has never been anything but loving and supportive, told me after I made a joke that there has been “a change” in how he deals with people, that he has been “purging,” and that I could be next because he “has needs too.” FML
Today, at a Starbucks in China, when it was my turn to order, the handsome cashier locked eyes with me and asked me in perfect English what I wanted. All words in all languages that I can speak, including how to speak English, my mother tongue, left my brain as I stared into his beautiful eyes. FML
Today, a stranger nearly beat the crap out of my boyfriend for being a pedo. I ended up showing the guy my driving license to prove I'm not a pre-teen and that I'm just freakishly young looking. FML
Today, it was the first time I was meeting my boyfriend's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday, and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML
Today, I have a second date with someone I like. Usually, I have a minor acne problem, but this week I've had four of them. FML
Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML
Today, I'm in the best shape of my life after losing 2.5 stone over 2 years. I never got any female attention when I was overweight, so I was quite surprised when at the gym an attractive woman came over and started flirting with me. It was going great, until she said, "You'd be perfect if you had a dad bod". FML
Today, I found out the guy I've been pursuing for six months doesn't date people in recovery. That's literally how we met. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me. He said he can’t be with someone who agrees with their parents politically. My parents are liberals, and I happen to have done my own independent research, and still agree with them. FML
Today, I woke up sick from crying all night because I got dumped by a dude who couldn't stand my tone of voice, which I can’t completely control because of my Asperger's. FML
Today, it appears that when in high school I made one of those "If we're unmarried at 35, we should marry each other" deals. Well, this afternoon she turned up at my house. I'm not married, but I have a pregnant girlfriend. She claimed a girlfriend doesn't count so our promise is still binding. And yes, she had the crazy eyes. FML
Today, six months after my wife convinced me to open our relationship, I finally scored with a lovely lady. My wife threw the biggest fit in history. Apparently, she just wanted to fuck other men and didn't think anyone would be interested in me, and now she feels inadequate and threatened. FML
Today, the guy from college my sister set me up with told me I'm too nice to continue lying to. Turns out he's one of my sister's booty calls and she bribed him to go on a date with me so I'd stop being so miserable and depressing. Apparently he didn't want to take me out, so the bribe was she'd let him do butt stuff. FML
Today, my boyfriend of almost 3 years told me he wants kids, specifically a biological child with me. When we started dating, I told him that I didn't want kids and he said the same, but now he's changed his mind. I haven't. I love him and will probably lose him because of this. FML
Today, I told my husband we could have a "him" day, visit the comic book and games stores, then watch anime. He refused to believe I was genuine, and asked what bad thing I did that I was trying to make up for. We ended up not doing any of it because he thinks I can’t be nice to him without a motive. FML
Today, I met my new boyfriend’s parents, hoping that they would like me. They made subtle, mean comments during dinner and made me feel like total crap, all because my boyfriend left his ex-wife for me. They don’t get that we’re both good and compatible for each other, and that’s what matters. FML
Today, my husband moved out while I was out of town. The only thing of his he left behind was a copy of Paradise Lost. FML
Today, what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, my wedding day, turned into the day in hell. A friend caught my now ex kissing his friend outside. The girl he told me was “just a friend and nothing more” whenever I suspected there was indeed nothing more. Now I've found out in the worst way. FML
Today, the man I went on a date with a few weeks ago finally called me back. I was his "one phone call" from prison. FML
Today, my ex asked me if he could live with me so he wouldn't be homeless. He also asked if he could introduce me to his new girlfriend so they wouldn't have "trust issues." This coming from the same guy living with grandma and mom, who has no job, no car, and basically dumped me for her. Like, sure buddy I'll get right on making her feel comfortable. FML
Today, like a drunk idiot, I texted my ex to ask if he maybe still had feelings for me. He texted back that yes, he did still have feelings for me, but then he has a wank and the feelings all disappear down the toilet wrapped in a tissue. Not gonna lie, I cried myself to sleep clutching a bottle of Schnapps. FML
Today, my wife is convinced I don't love my daughter. Why? She got her first boyfriend recently, and I was friendly with the lad, instead of doing the stupid "overprotective dad" routine. Apparently, not feeling the need to act like a dumbass sitcom character means I secretly resent my family. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend accounts for my being late all the time whenever we go out. For example, he will ask me to be ready by 7, knowing I don't actually need to be ready until 7:45. He was so good at it that it's taken me 6 months of dating to notice. Am I insulted or impressed, I don't know. FML
Today, while trying to spice up our marriage, we decided to get a hotel room and roleplay as strangers who meet in a bar and have a one night stand. By the time I got there, he was engrossed in the football and on the beer. He didn't notice me arrive and when he did, he was too drunk to get the roleplay right. FML
Today, after yet another first date, I was once again told I'm a nice, sweet guy with a rocking body, interesting hobbies, easy to talk to and so on, but she just can't get over how I look like Shrek after a bad car accident, and won't be going on a second date. This is the fourth woman to compare me to Shrek. FML
Today, I made broccoli and peas with dinner. My girlfriend pouted, sulked, and refused to eat "yucky veggies", demanding fries or chips. Apparently, I'm dating a fucking toddler. FML
Today, my friend was telling me about her issues with her boyfriend, and I said, "Damn, that sounds just like a couple I know!" She asked me who, which is when I realised I was actually thinking about Davide and Ekin-Su on Love Island. FML
Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard, she pissed on me. FML
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