Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML
Today, I rushed home, barged into the bathroom, and released the biggest, most foul mudmonkeys ever, complete with noises. I came out and my brother and his hot friends, including the one I have a crush on, were all laughing. My brother told me, “Don’t forget to Lysol spray.' FML
Today, I spent one night with my phone turned off so I could finally relax. When I turned it back on I had 17 missed calls from siblings wanting to moan about their spouses, 5 calls from mom, 6 from dad, 2 from work, and 2 from my ex. I think I’ve earned some time alone, don’t you? FML
Today, I am 10 years clean from an opiate addiction. It’s also been 10 years since I began suffering from severe restless legs syndrome, to the point I cry from frustration and sleep deprivation almost every night. I’ve tried several medications, they don’t help. A recent injury has made me realize opiates do. FML
Today, I kicked my coffee table while barefoot, got an X-ray, and I’d cracked the bone. Got home, kicked the exact same table with the exact same toe, got another X-ray, the crack is now a full-on break. What a day. FML
Today, I've found that the water bill has been much lower than usual as of late. I then realized that this is because I'm so depressed and hardly get out at all, that I've stopped showering or even taking care of myself in general. Who do I have to impress, anyway? FML
Today, my dad gathers so much static electricity from almost everything that he does that I've become paranoid and scared to touch him at all. He thinks I hate him now. FML
Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been experiencing hair loss. He insisted on a pregnancy test. My parents then grounded me. I'm a virgin. FML
Today, my girlfriend has cats that live in my garage because I'm so horribly allergic to them. She went in the garage a while ago with power tools to do something simple. There has been a fair bit of noise and commotion in there. Part of me is happy that my girlfriend is trying to be handy, but I'm mostly worried about what could be going on. FML
Today, I now know how it feels when a football lands directly on the top of your head. While I don't consider myself to be the unluckiest person in the world, I'd say I'm pretty high up there. FML
Today, just like every other night, I can't sleep. even after taking prescription sleep medication, all because my anxiety won't let me sleep. Why do I have anxiety? Because I don't sleep. FML
Today, I dropped my hair straightener. The good news is I caught it. The bad news is I caught it by the iron itself. FML
Today, my 30 year-old daughter was fired from her job for bad hygiene, despite getting multiple warnings and write ups. She says she’s not showering to save money, and this “inflation shit is out of control.” According to her, me and the “Demoncrats voted for it” and made it this way. FML
Today, I went to my boss’s office to ask him a question. He basically gave me a cold look and replied, “You just answered your own question.” Due to my pregnancy hormones, it took all the strength I had to not burst into tears right there and then. I went back to my desk and let it all out. FML
Today, as I continue to experience more revelations about how fucked up my mental and physical health really are, I'm starting to feel as though I was destined to not live very long. If I were to list every mental health issue or chronic condition I have, it would likely be enough for an entire Wikipedia article. FML
Today, my husband had heart attack symptoms on the way to his family event. We stopped, called an ambulance, and he was taken off to hospital. I called his family to update them. They still expected us to turn up. FML
Today, I blacked out at work, on my lunch break outside in the rain, and woke up on the ground wet a minute or two later to everyone freaking out, all because I chugged my drink too fast. FML
Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML
Today, I had morning sex before I had to rush to work, and everything decided to leak out of me over an hour later into my underwear. I quickly rinsed them in the bathroom and put them back on, only the wet patch then soaked into my pants when I sat down, so it looked like I’d majorly peed myself. FML
Today, my glasses have completely disappeared. I know for a fact that I put them on my desk, but now they're absolutely nowhere to be found. This is my first time playing "Find your glasses without the assistance of your glasses" and I'm failing at it badly. My vision isn't even that bad yet. FML
Today, I started yoga to help with my stress and overall health. I also got a "hit by a truck" migraine in the middle of my second downward dog pose, and spent the last 20 minutes of the 30 minute lesson curled up in fetal position on my new yoga mat. FML
Today, after weeks of being up nights to hand feed nine puppies, I, an insomniac, finally got to sleep during the day, which isn't easy for me, only to be woken by my partner asking me a stupid question that was unimportant, then made to feel like a jerk for being angry. I'm now stuck awake, pissed. FML
Today, I learned that my ex married the girl he cheated on me with and started a family. I’m still single at 30 years old - Five years after that relationship ended. I still live at home and I’ve gained so much weight from the depression that guys find me repulsive. Glad to know my ex did so much better. FML
Today, my marriage counselor told me I have the communication skills of a Lou Gehrig's patient. FML
Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML
Today, I had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. Too bad it put me in the hospital with a slipped disc and a concussion, and yet I just know me and the violent lady in question will probably do it all again at our next date. Good thing my health insurance is paid up. FML
Today, I have so much ass acne that it hurts to sit. FML
Today, a sex phone worker asked me if I was alright and recommended I get some kind of therapy. FML
Today, my dad has been faking social anxiety to make me feel like there's something wrong with me. How do I know? Because I actually have social anxiety, and he not only shows no symptoms of it, but he also has a lot of misconceptions about it that he would know are false if he actually did have it. FML
Today, my daughter and her friends (who are all deaf) came home from college to get ready for a big ASL event, or so I thought. The event is Comic Con for the deaf and the girls stayed up late, signing about “all the dick they were going to catch” and using lazy euphemisms. I understand ASL; they didn’t care. FML
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