Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML
Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML
Today, my dick of a roommate was moving out. She didn't actually tell us she was moving out and took the wifi, modem and all, while my other roommate was on a Skype call and I was watching a show. All with no warning. It's Saturday, I have an online assignment due Sunday. FML
Today, I reached down to pet an elderly man's dog. It jumped up and utterly mauled my face, drawing blood. As I gasped in shock and pain, the man said, "Careful, he likes to scratch." FML
Today, my pregnancy hormones were so bad, I broke down crying because my cat sat on my husband's lap instead of mine. FML
Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML
Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML
Today, as I was trying to get off a crowded train, some asshole pushed past me hard enough to nearly knock me over. My bag hit a preschool kid standing behind me, and I missed my stop trying to apologize to him. His mom yelled at me all the way to the next stop. FML
Today, I finished a 2 hour Skype call with my girlfriend, only to realize I was using mobile data. FML
Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML
Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML
Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML
Today, at college, I asked the girl who usually sits next to me if she wanted to team up on our latest assignment. She gave me a disgusted look, said "Um, I'm MARRIED. Creep." and walked away. Seriously, what the fuck? FML
kevinfmls tells us more.
kevinfmls 12
I haven't seen this until almost 3 months later! Thanks for the support, turns out she was LYING about being married and just wanted to not work with me in the most obvious way.
Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend and we passed the shop where my ex works at. My boyfriend slapped my ass right as my ex came out. It was so sudden that I started choking on a fry and dropped soda all over myself. My ex kept laughing all while my boyfriend kept apologizing. FML
Today, I work 732 miles away from my wife and three children, and I rarely get to go home. After giving up many hours of family time to work on my last home visit, I returned to work only to have my boss accuse me of stealing time, dock me 50 hours, and "review" my employment for termination. FML
Today, I accidentally broke an expensive glass display shelf at work. My coworker joked, "Ooh, that's gonna come out of your paycheck!" My boss thought that was a great idea. FML
73012211 tells us more.
73012211 17
Hey guys! OP here. Here's a follow up and a clarification. It was a single sheet of glass, about four feet long, and it fell as we were moving things around, breaking when it hit the floor. The glass shelves cost the store $200-$400 each, and we're always being reminded to be careful because they are so expensive. I was being careful, but the heavy shelf slipped in through my hands and the corner of the shelf hit the floor just right that it shattered. My boss is kind of a jerk, with a weird sense of humor. My coworker was teasing me, and my boss thought it would be funny to play along and pretend he was going to charge me for it. I posted this a little bit after it happened, before I talked to my boss, and I was pretty embarrassed, since I'm always so careful. The end of the story is that I will not have to pay for the shelf (we have tons of extras in the back, we won't miss one). Thanks for the support, everyone!
Today, after being in a committed relationship for five years, I just found out that my girlfriend's parents have no idea that we are together. She says she "forgot" to tell them. FML
joco4 tells us more.
OP here. First of all, thanks everyone for commenting and everything, a lot of your comments were very helpful! Some clarification, we have talked about it before, and yes, I have met her parents as well as a lot of her family. Also, she has met my parents and family, and they know that we are together. The reason she has not told them has nothing to do with religion or because she is embarrassed by me. When we first started dating, she asked her parents what they would think if we started dating, and they effectively said "it would disgrace their family," so she just told them that we would not date, and since then, it seems that the topic hasn't come up with them again. The reason this whole topic came up is because, when her parents would call her, they would always talk about one of her exes, and how he was doing, (basically hinting that they wanted that relationship to happen again). After that happened a few times, I asked her about it, and she informed me that they actually didn't know about us being together. Her parents always comment on how nice I am, and how I am a good person. The problem with her parents is that they live in the past. Even though it is currently 2016, her parents can't accept a relationship where I happen to be black, and she happens to be white. As far as her parents are concerned, I am just her friend that happens to hang out with her a lot, as for everyone else, we are very happily in a relationship. Her parents and some of her family are the only people who are out of the loop. So, at this point, we are just not worrying about them and they will find out on a later date. I would like them to know eventually, but it just seems like that wont happen anytime soon. Feel free to leave comments if you want to know anything else!
Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML
Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML
Today, I told my mother that, after years of cheating and abuse, I'm finally getting a divorce. Her reaction was deep concern that my husband might not want to "be friends" with the rest of the family any more. FML
Today, I told one of my teachers I have to attend a family member's funeral on a day she's passing a test. She straight up asked if I could reschedule it, and if not if I could just give it a miss. FML
Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML
Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML
Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML
Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML
Today, I found out my mom took around $2,500 from my savings account to pay off my sister's college tuition. She recently flunked out of her studies and won't be returning to college anyway. FML
Today, I opened the cupboard and a bag of flour fell on my head, covering me from head to toe. Last night I got drunk, and set some booby traps up around the house for my roommate. I'd forgot that my roommate moved out a week ago. FML
almostadult tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here, thanks for the comments! I know I deserve it, drunk me is an idiot, and I think that's the last time I'm going to get drunk for a while... until drunk me knows that my roommate's left! As for other traps, I also found out this morning that I had put some salt in the sugar (which was discovered after taking a sip of coffee), and vaseline or something like that on the bathroom doorknob. Hopefully those are it, but I have a feeling that there's going to be more. My roommate moved out because he's moved to Ireland to be closer to his family, as he's been in England for about a year and a half but prefers Ireland. While he was here, we used to play pranks on each other a lot, but usually practical jokes like whoopee cushions or fake spiders in the other's bed. To be honest, it's a shame I didn't do this prank while he was still here! Thanks for all those who commented/voted on it. No feeling like knowing your fails are public ;D
Today, I almost died. My friends dragged me unconcious, hypothermic and half-drowned out of the sea. A helicopter took me to the hospital where they brought me back to life. My family's reaction? "You aren't dying so we don't have to come to the hospital." They wouldn't even bring me clothes. FML
KereKris tells us more.
KereKris 25
OP here. I guess this needs a follow-up. I was in a sailing boat with some friends and although there were big waves, the wind wasn't too strong so we thought it would be safe sailing. We were wrong about that. An exceptionally big wave came up from behind. The boat started surfing uncontrollably down from it and eventually flipped. I was caught by a rope and dragged under water. Fortunately I had a safety knife strapped to my leg so I could cut myself free but it took some time and I lost consciousness before I could make it up. My friends dragged up on the upturned hull of our boat because they were unable to flip it back. The tide was rising so the current pushed us close to the shore. In the surf we were trown off again and because of the waves it was too dangerous to approach the boat again so my friends swam to the shore, dragging me behind them. I regained consciousness for a while but passed out again as soon as we made it to the beach. Hope this answers all your questions.
Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML
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