Today, I came out of my bedroom to find my mom doing yoga in my hallway. Naked. She doesn't seem to think there's any problem with this. It's my house. FML
Today, my mom accused me of stealing $350 from her. She didn't accuse my unemployed brother, who just bought a brand new iPhone. Even after he confessed to her, she thought he was covering for me. My brother has a criminal record for theft. FML
Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML
Today, I got caught absent-mindedly fondling my knob in front of Love Island. FML
Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol. FML
Today, I was supposed to do a month's work presentation at the company I work for. They skipped over my presentation, because they needed time for the "weight loss" competition presentation. FML
Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML
Today, I live in a household of 3 people, with only one vehicle. My transmission blew right after working 16 straight hours. I had to walk 6 miles home, not to mention figure out work tomorrow. Now my oldest, who does not live with me, is pissed because it is an "inconvenience" for her. FML
Today, I drove 800 miles for a concert. At the doors, I found out Ticketmaster sold me fake tickets. FML
ourlastnightlife tells us more.
This is my fml! So basically it was the very final vans warped tour, a 2 day event. I brought my tickets and at the door they said the ticket was already scanned. I called ticketmaster and they said they contacted the venue and said I could pick it up at will call. so I drive all the way back to the venue from my hotel and, no tickets. So I go customer service and pull up the order number, give them my billing address. The person "helping" me accused me of smoking something and trying to scam them even though I had all the proof of purchase. So on the second day of the event I go back and try again w my Sunday ticket. I was able to get in w that one. All the bands I wanted to see were playing on the second day anyway, so not much of a loss other than I paid for a two day ticket. also 800 miles from Seattle to Mountain View is nothing, last year I took a bus all the way from Seattle to Houston for warped tour. I still have no idea what got ****** up w the first ticket. But I still had a fun trip otherwise and I thought this was fml worthy so I posted it lol.
Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML
Today, my fiancé's ex-wife thought it was perfectly acceptable to give herself a part in our upcoming wedding. She wants to "give" him away to me, the same way a father does to a bride. Apparently, I'm being unreasonable and selfish for denying her request. My fiancé told me to at least think about it. FML
Today, I was running late for work. I was trying to find my car keys, then realized I'd left them in my boyfriend's car. My phone charger was locked in my car, and my phone was dead. I couldn’t get hold of my boss and explain what had happened. I’m fired, aren’t I? FML
Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML
Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML
Today, I've had bad gas all day. In bed, almost asleep, I felt the urge to fart, and thinking nothing of it, I let it rip. It wasn't a fart. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML
Today, I was cutting potatoes. I was cutting them slowly, being careful, but my mom told me to cut faster, that I wouldn't cut myself. I cut myself. FML
Today, I was woken up and kicked out of my friend's party at 3:00 in the morning. This wouldn't have been so bad if someone hadn't stolen my shoes. I had to walk for an hour in the rain, in my socks. FML
Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML
Today, I came out to my parents. My mom and dad think that I'm lying, just so I could "fit in" with everyone else. FML
Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML
Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML
Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML
Today, I got overly excited because someone texted me, but then realized that moments before, I had sent myself a message. FML
Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML
Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML
Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "Two minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML
Today, as I was putting groceries away, I went to open my freezer door which randomly gets stuck by giving it a good tug, and a frozen hamburger fell on my right foot. My right foot, which is currently healing from a sprain I got a couple days ago. FML
Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML
Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded by filing a harassment complaint. Now, I can't speak to her at all without being written up. FML
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