Today, I spent 15 minutes scrubbing the bathtub, just to have my roommate come home and give their dog a bath in it. They didn't even rinse it or pull the hair out. I don't know what makes it more annoying, that I'm 6 months pregnant and do all the cleaning while working full-time, or that we have a hose outside. FML
Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML
Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML
Today, I found out that the stories about how you swallow insects and spiders in your sleep are true, as I woke up to a funny taste in my mouth and the remains of a spider stuck to my braces. FML
Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML
Today, I dawned on me that my step-dad, who cheated on and is now divorcing my mom, is my favorite family member. FML
Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML
Today, I learned that if you sing along with an old Frank Sinatra song, the elderly who hear you will want to talk to you about things you have no idea about, for a very long time. FML
Today, I found out that before my grandma washes my clothes, she smells my underwear to "make sure they're dirty." FML
Today, my dentist applied a paste on my teeth to make them more resistant. It tasted so disgustingly like artificial banana that I had to throw up. I'm not allowed to brush my teeth, drink or eat for 4 hours. FML
Today, the only person who remembered my birthday was my stalker ex. He left condoms, birth control, furry handcuffs, and a lingerie set in my mailbox, with a note saying to prepare for our anniversary. We went out for a week. In sixth grade. FML
Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML
Today, while studying with the girl I like, I rested my face on my book, pretending to be frustrated. When I lifted my head, I realized I'd left a greasy spot on the page from my nose. She noticed. FML
Today, my mum and I were moving the last of my stuff into my new flat when I heard some creaking. The sound was coming from the bathroom, so I went to check it out. As I stepped through the door, the floor collapsed and the bathtub and I fell right through. FML
Today, I was walking through Target when I was pulled aside by a very attractive girl who began kissing me. She stopped, because I wasn't who she thought I was. Disappointed, I turned around to see her very angry, very large boyfriend behind me. FML
Today, my girlfriend called saying that she wanted to break up because she wasn't into me anymore. Yesterday, I paid $400 to take her to a Red Sox game, so I asked her why she even came with me. She said that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend, and he said he was going to that game too. FML
Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML
Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML
Today, I came home from surgery to remove my tonsils. It's a much better surgery to have as a kid, because when you get older it's much more painful. I didn't know my mom liked pain killers. I do now, because I have none left and I haven't even taken any yet. FML
Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML
Today, I saw a spider in my kitchen. Freaked, but trying to be humane, I held out a piece of paper so it would climb on, and I would then put it outside. However, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to whack at where the spider was - my face. I stumbled around, disoriented; the spider got away. FML
Today, I got my nails done at a salon where everyone working there was Vietnamese. During my manicure, the manicurists talked about how ugly I was in their native tongue. They couldn't have known that I'd lived in Vietnam and I'm fluent in Vietnamese, but too chickenshit to speak up. FML
Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML
Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML
Today, I sent my ex's mom several pics of the kids from our recent outing. Being the kids' grandmother, she loved them. Later, I got a barrage of angry, insulting and threatening texts from my ex's new girlfriend, saying that since he and I are no longer together, I should have no contact with his family. FML
Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML
Today, I went for a run when my shin splints acted up, so I called my dad to have him come pick me up. When I saw his car approaching, I stuck out my thumb like a hitchhiker, as a joke. The car pulled over to give me a ride. It wasn't my dad. FML
Today, my family got very upset with me when I advised my brother’s girlfriend to take the kids and leave. They’re more upset with me telling her that, than the fact that my brother is an abusive serial cheater and a raging alcoholic, who hits her and the kids. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
