Today, after I finally recovering from being ill, my husband complained about the house being messy, that I needed to clean up after myself. I filled 2 large tote bags with his stuff laying around the house, and one small stack of medical bills for me. It took me hours to clean. But I'm the messy one. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after 3 years. Why, do you ask? Turns out her dad used to bully my dad in highschool and my dad kicked his ass after all this time and sent him to the hospital. FML
Today, my cat woke me up by vomiting a big, warm, stinky hairball on my neck and then left. I think she was smiling as she trotted away. FML
Today, I was texted by a number that their "date" had given them. I replied that they'd got the wrong number. She then sent me a picture of herself and started flirting. I was suspicious about this, so I ran her photo through Google image finder. Her "photo" is apparently used by scammers. FML
Today, as someone with a large chest, I'm used to sometimes finding food in my clothes at the end of the day. However, when I took off my bra off, I found half of a dead grasshopper. FML
Today, I found out I’m pregnant with the man I’ve been in love with for almost a year. When I told him, he got down on one knee, cuddled my abdomen and said, "Get out." FML
Today, the guy I have been going out with for six months cheated on me with the only girl I hate the most in the world. That girl ruined my previous relationship too. FML
Today, I told my mom I was with my female friend last night, because I wasn't ready to tell her about my new boyfriend. I didn't realize he gave me a hickey and now my whole family thinks I'm a lesbian. They won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, I added the wrong reaction to a Facebook post, using the laughing smiley instead of the hug, and only noticed two hours later, when my friend wouldn't talk to me because she thought I like found the fact that her dog died funny. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend, since we weren't getting along. When I got home, I remembered that today is his birthday. Him and all our friends now think I'm a total bitch. FML
Today, I was telling my dad that scientists had discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all BS and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML
Today, a tile slid off the roof and knocked me out as I was fetching my mail. Apparently, I lay there for a while with the wind blowing my dressing gown up, flashing my bare ass to the neighbourhood. People took pictures, but no one thought to check I was alive, not even my kids. FML
Today, my dad trusted me to go driving by myself in his car. I foolishly celebrated by doing a jump heel click, landed awkwardly, threw my hand out to stop myself falling, and scraped the whole bunch of keys down the driver's door. He trusted me for like 3 seconds and I blew it. FML
Today, my family finally noticed my depression because of how quiet, down and uninterested I’ve been. They responded by harassing me for saying nothing, calling me names, and making fun of me. Hmm, I wonder why I’m depressed. FML
Today, my colleague pointed out with a disgusted look on his face that I'm wearing 90s clothes again. Just like every time he sees me. What does he mean by 90s clothes? Jeans. Literally any pair of jeans. FML
Today, I excitedly went to check this week's paycheck, only to see that I only received $9.00. This isn't a mistake, this is really what I make. FML
Today, our neighbors have the most beautiful garden, with hundreds of crocuses in spring. Actually, that was our former neighbors. The new owners have since dug up all the flower bulbs, thrown them out, and replaced them with some lovely decorations made of old car tires. FML
Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. and ate some chips that were on my nightstand, totally unaware that they were covered in ants. Now I have two swollen lips and my kid’s birthday party is tomorrow. FML
Today, I was cleaning out the garage and found one of my old science fair projects. It was disqualified for outside help and cheating. I didn't do either. FML
Today, my friends held a roast for my birthday, as per my request. They went pretty hard and I got a little uncomfortable. Afterwards, I told them that their jokes were a little too far, and they said all of their roasts were 100% genuine, and they just needed an excuse to tell me their problems with me. FML
Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I turned down the first guy to ask me out in 3 months. FML
Today, he’s the worst backseat driver ever: first he demands I drive more slowly, then when I swerve slightly because he startled me, he promptly admonishes me to stay in my lane. "He"? Well, he’s not actually a person. He’s my very high-tech rental car, who won’t shut up. FML
Today, I got dumped, but not before he swindled me out of my savings. This done by my sweetheart from 16 years ago, whom I reunited with when he called me 7 months ago. I had no reason not to trust him, his brother has been one of my BFFs for 20 years. Now I'm not only broke, but heartbroken, and have nowhere to go. FML
Today, I cycled to the office in my new uniform pants. When I arrived an hour later, my sweat had already soaked through them. FML
Today, after having a fight with my BFF, she invited me to come along to a party. I found out later that she'd only invited me so that when returning from the event, we could take a taxi and split the cost. FML
Today, at my gender reveal party, my daughter threw a huge temper tantrum and knocked over tables and chairs screaming, “Fuck this shit!” when the reveal came out pink. She’s five. FML
Today, I was feeling pretty cute in a black dress. Apparently, that makes me "emo" and an "online dater". FML
Today, I spent 5 hours working on emails for work in a desperate attempt to get back on top of my task list. Having written about 45 emails waiting in my outbox to go out first thing Monday morning, Outlook has "stopped responding". I might've just lost them all and worked through the day for nothing. FML
Today, I was supposed to be a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding. Instead, I'm bedridden with the effects of fibromyalgia. When I called my friend to let her know I wouldn't be making it, her response was, "Can't you get fiber-malgia some other time and hurry the fuck up and come? This place charges by the hour." FML
Today, it seemed like my new boyfriend worked wonders training my puppy. Now she listens, doesn’t bark and doesn’t chew everything to bits anymore. I was very impressed, until my boyfriend told me beating a dog until it behaves works every time. My dog isn’t trained; she’s too terrified to move. FML
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