Today, my boss replaced me, with my 25 years experience, as head chef with her son, who has a GCSE in food studies from 15 years ago and hasn’t even worked a restaurant before. I’m sitting here, watching our customers send food back untouched because it’s so bad. This has ruined us. FML
Today, I went to a TV show filming, but I was sitting behind what must've been the tallest person in the world. I'll probably only get to see the show properly once it airs. FML
Today, after many hours of practice, I tried to demonstrate my magic tricks to my friends. What wasn't part of the show was accidentally setting my pants on fire and having to put it out with a glass of red wine. FML
Today, I was on a first date at high-end Indian restaurant. I tried to impress my date by ordering the spiciest dish on the menu, only to find out it was way too hot for me to handle. I ruined the entire meal by coughing, choking, and drinking five gallons of water with tears streaming down my face for at least 40 minutes. FML
Today, I was trying to be environmentally friendly by using a reusable water bottle, but didn't screw the top on properly, so while I was chatting to someone it splashed it all over my computer and bricked it. FML
Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML
Today, I was promoted to a management position and finally get to have my own office, only to find out it's located in the basement and has no windows. FML
Today, a friend of mine sent me a Twitter link, along with the question, "Isn't that your mom?" It was. She was pretending to have shaky arms from the Covid vaccine. This sort of shit is why we hardly ever talk to each other. Oh and her acting was worse than any school play I've ever seen. FML
Today, driving out of my neighbourhood, I encountered three snow plows heading towards me. I tried to turn around in a stranger's driveway but wasn't fast enough, and they left a wall 4-feet high of ice and snow, blocking me in. I rang the doorbell, borrowed their shovel and dug out their driveway. Its -32 with wind-chill. FML
Today, and for the past 3 days, my sister has been whining and crying about her “breakup” with her “boyfriend”. It’s the most annoying thing ever and I haven’t been able to sleep. FML
Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML
Today, my stepdaughter, who despises me and lives in the same house, says she wouldn't go out for a birthday dinner with the family because I was going. She still expects me to drive her for a one-and-a-half hour round trip to drop her off at work. FML
Today, after receiving yet again a dozen insulting texts, I realized that my dog has way better grammar than my ex. FML
Today, my mean, nasty, arrogant, bully of a sister is getting married for the second time. Meanwhile, I’ve always been kind, caring, considerate… and single as a damn Pringle. FML
Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet. Now I know why they call it 'smart' phone; it's smarter than me. FML
Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house, because his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents, so I’m not good enough for their son. FML
Today, I was trying to scratch off an Xbox gift card. When I started, I heard knocking. I opened the door. No one was there. I went back to scratching the card. Knocking again. No one there. This repeated until the fifth time, when I realized it was my rocking the desk with the repetitive movement of my arm. FML
Today, it’s been 4 months since I haven't been able to walk properly, two months I’ve been waiting for a doctor’s appointment, and one day since I found out that appointment never actually got made by the online booking system. But hey, who needs a left foot? FML
Today, my boyfriend and I saw someone dump a dog in our neighborhood before driving off. We spent an hour trying to get the dog out of the cold, but couldn't catch it. Temperatures go down to the 30s in 3 days. Hopefully we can catch it by then. FML
Today, after I'd saved up for a deposit on a new car, I found out when I went to the dealership that I wasn’t eligible for a loan, due to my credit score. FML
Today, I woke up at the ungodly hour of 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom. It was of course quite dark, and unbeknownst to me, the door was closed. I walked into it. Then I tried to open it, missed the door knob, and walked into the door again. FML
Today, I woke up early for a job interview. I got lost and arrived an hour late, only to find out it was the wrong day. FML
Today, I noticed that my coffee mug has a 'dishwasher safe' label. I've been hand washing it for a year. FML
Today, I took a pretty nasty fall on the ice and made noises similar to the ones my dad makes when he's in pain. I am officially becoming old. FML
Today, I fell out of the shower. It was still on. Bracing my fall, I reached into the toilet. It wasn't flushed. FML
Today, my toddler gave me what I thought was a ball of melted chocolate. I held it and sniffed it to be sure… It was a freaking ball of her poop. FML
Today, I went to court because I got a traffic ticket for running a red light. While I was in court, I found out it was actually for a car I had sold years ago. FML
Today, my dad asked to borrow my glasses to look for his glasses. He then took them off because they were extremely tight on his head, and gave them back to me. Then he turned around and walked into a wall. I sure hope my eyes don't get that bad, although they probably will by the time I'm 40. FML
Today, my boss told me to 'think outside the box'. I did and got lost in a corn maze for hours. FML
Today, I had to write, "Do not use to freeze cat," on my bag of ice because my sister's cat died, and she refuses to bury it. FML
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