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Today, I asked my boyfriend to come hang out with me. He said he was busy and had to do homework. Since he never studies, I got suspicious and went to check up on him. I found him playing dress-up with his cat. He's 17. FML
by iamfab / 06/06/2015 at 1:52am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals
Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML
by Anonymous / 06/05/2015 at 2:05pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML
by W T F / 06/03/2015 at 3:22am / United States (Alabama) / Intimacy
Today, my class was called to the auditorium. We were told that some asshat proctor took a picture of our testing room during out test and posted it on Facebook. Someone noticed that according to the rules, we were sitting too close to each other, so now we have to retake the whole test. FML
by Donewithit / 06/02/2015 at 9:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was exhausted due to staying up all night practicing for the most important performance of my orchestral career. I decided to take a nap to energize myself in preparation of the evening and woke up just in time to realize I'd missed the entire concert. FML
by bruhskoni / 05/30/2015 at 10:25pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, for our anniversary, I had made a small treasure hunt for my boyfriend, tying roses with notes of poetry to lampposts across campus to lead him to where we would have a romantic dinner. He couldn't find it because people had stolen the roses, or simply ripped them to pieces and thrown them away. FML
by Headless / 05/29/2015 at 9:04am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Love
by concom / 05/27/2015 at 3:40pm / Cyprus / Miscellaneous
Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML
by Anonymous / 03/26/2015 at 9:20am / United States (California) / Work
Today, I was talking about an essay I'd written for a class that was due to be turned in online days ago. I thought mine was well written and I'd even finished it a couple of days early so I wouldn't forget about it. After a few minutes of talking and feeling proud, I realized that I forgot to turn it in. FML
by Akoni / 03/26/2015 at 5:53am / United States (California) / Work
Today, I was told by my boyfriend's parents to never come back to his house again, and was given a lecture about rule breaking. Apparently, curfew is midnight, and he isn't allowed to have girls over. This didn't sound so unreasonable until I remembered that we're both almost 30. FML
by Anasztaizia / 03/26/2015 at 2:58am / United States (Minnesota) / Love
by anonymous / 03/25/2015 at 11:43pm / United States / Health
Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML
by Anonymous / 03/25/2015 at 3:00pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work
Today, a coworker jokingly noted that my signature looks like "Pedo". I couldn't see it that way, so I asked some other people for their opinion. They confessed they'd always thought it looked like "Pedo", but never said anything. My name is Peele. I've been signing it off as Pedo for 10 years. FML
by peele / 03/25/2015 at 9:10am / Estonia (Harjumaa) / Miscellaneous
Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML
by BurnedDown / 10/28/2014 at 4:45pm / United Kingdom (East Riding of Yorkshire) / Intimacy