Nearly FML

By omlmylifesucks - 01/03/2016 21:13 - United States - Houston

Today, my girl cousin looked up porn on my phone and blamed it on me. I got grounded. But what was worse is I forgot to delete the search history and let my guy friend borrow my phone. He won't talk to me now. FML

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vote type 1 0

By guardian - 01/03/2016 21:12 - United States - Huntsville

Today, while working as a bouncer, I had to drag a woman out of the club for pissing in a potted plant, this is a regular occurrence, what is not regular is her managing to hike her dress up and spray liquid shit all over my shoes and pants. I still had 3 hours on duty... FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By amandamilesss7 - 01/03/2016 20:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found lube in my friends room. She said my ex boyfriend used it to cheat on me and do anal with another girl while we dated. Found out, the girl he cheated on me with, was my "best friend" FML

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By yergenferfer - 01/03/2016 20:55 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I dropped my pants infront my girlfriend for the first time, she said she expected my dick to be bigger because i'm black, I'm not black. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By Kurby14 - 01/03/2016 20:47 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I told my grandfather about me applying to college to major in psychology. he said "good, something you can actually do well with in your life." I'm a sous chef in a very good hotel. FML

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vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 01/03/2016 20:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting in a bathroom stall and the guy next to me asked for toilet paper. Being the Good Samaritan I am, I reached under to hand him some. He grabbed my hand with the paper and it felt wet. When I brought my hand back over, it was covered in jizz, FML.

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By Mushman - 01/03/2016 20:26 - United States - New Rochelle

Today at work I was at the urinal and the elderly man next to me let out the loudest most god awful fart I ever heard in my life. I laughed as I could not hold the disgust in. He asked if I want him to fart a tune. I jokingly said "Old MacDonald had a farm". He did it. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By kev1316 - 01/03/2016 20:02 - United States

Today, all 4 wheels were stolen off of my new car early in the morning. It was left standing on rocks and bricks from my garden. My dog was awake downstairs the whole time. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By EarlieBurd - 01/03/2016 19:59 - Uzbekistan

Today, in my university draftsmanship classes I presented a drainage propeller model which may have somehow resembled a swastik, for which my professor called me nazi in front of all students. I'm a jew. FML.

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By Quick Hands - 01/03/2016 19:56 - United States - Newmarket

Today, I planned on taking things out of my friends backpack as we walked down the hall to be funny but I ended up stabbing myself in the hand with his insulin needle that I didn't know he kept uncovered in that pouch. They make needle covers for that reason, I guess he doesn't like to use them. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By jolliever - 01/03/2016 19:56 - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I told her I was voting for Trump. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 1

By butterflies997 - 01/03/2016 19:29 - United States - Gloucester City

Today, My boyfriend of over a year admitted to me he was never in love with me.... He's in love with my brother. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By Bobby - 01/03/2016 19:27 - United States

Today, we had a 45 minute writing test, the teacher was walking around and stopped behind me and I didn't notice. So I took my phone out and just so happened last time I was on it, it was on porn. Long story short she took my phone and yelled at me in the middle of a test. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 1

By AVRaman - 01/03/2016 19:23 - United States

Today, I found out that your phone plus a 3 year old equals a phone disabled for a year. FML.

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By Kapoa - 01/03/2016 19:22 - United States - Riverside

Today, I was in PE class. Some kids got into a fight and the smaller kid was punched in the face, causing blood from his nose to splatter all over my shirt. I'm now being blamed for the fight. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By IamHM - 01/03/2016 19:09 - United States - Albuquerque

Today while I was jogging in the park, I slipped and fell in some mud. Except it wasn't mud, it was poop. Human poop. FML

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By chaylea - 01/03/2016 19:07 - United States - Leesburg

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. This would've been great if my parents hadn't forced me to give back the ring and call it off because the ring wasn't "fancy enough." FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 01/03/2016 18:59 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today I was having sex with my girlfriend. After turning the lights on midway through to deal with a runny nose I discovered I'd had a violent nosebleed all over the sheets and entire top half of my girlfriend. I fainted and woke up to her breaking up with me. Cos of a nosebleed. On my birthday. FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 0

By Maak_Graffiti - 01/03/2016 18:45 - United States

Today, I was hanging out at home, watching TV.. I got the feeling that I was missing something. I was told my cousin's wedding was beautiful.. FML.

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vote type 1 1

By Makko - 01/03/2016 18:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was accused of being sexist in English class when I wrote "a man once said". FML

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By Anonymous - 01/03/2016 18:36 - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today I was playing football and got into a really big tackle between two players far larger than me. I went to the hospital thinking that I only had a minor concussion. Turns out my spleen had ruptured and I had to get abdominal surgery to get it removed. Looks I won't playing football for a while.

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By my eye hurts - 01/03/2016 18:28 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while I was sitting in class this girl next to me smelled really bad, so I peeled open one of my oranges so the zest could drown out the smell...well the orange juice squirted in my eye and the girl next to me thought I was strange so she slowly moved away. FML

agreeclassic 1

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By symbioticdeath - 01/03/2016 18:18

Today, I'm only female in my work place and have a rather curvy body... My boss asked me if I would help with promoting by wearing a skimpy outfit and hand out leaflets . All my coworkers agreed with him FML

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By out an Xbox - 01/03/2016 18:18 - United States - New York

Today, in gym class, I overheard some older students talking about how they got high last night and broke into someone's house and took their Xbox. When I got home, I went upstairs, only to find my Xbox missing. FML

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By nikkih_06 - 01/03/2016 18:02 - United States - San Diego

Today, at my baby shower my intoxicated aunt decided she wanted to sign my "words of encouragement and advice" book. By sign I mean very loudly yell that she was writing I shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. Thanks auntie. FML

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By help - 01/03/2016 17:58 - United States - Lansing

Today, my toilet got clogged while I was home alone. My parents had just thrown out our old plunger and left to get a new one, I did not know what to do so I looked up ways to unclog a toilet without a plunger. I went to try one and ended up dropping my phone in the used toilet water.FML

agreeclassic 1

vote type 1 1

By averyac98 - 01/03/2016 17:56 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I failed to recognize that i woke up an hour later than i was supposed to. I got up, brushed my hair, teeth, performed all other hygiene needs, drove a half hour to class, only to realize that class was over, and I had missed an extremely important midterm.

agreeclassic 1

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By DangerousGays - 01/03/2016 17:49 - United States - Whitefish

Today, a resident in my care facility fell and hit his head. He is on warfarin which is a blood thinner, and he could have had a serious bleed. One of the CNAs tried to get him into bed to sleep until the paramedics arrived. FML

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By bigmusclebro - 01/03/2016 17:49 - United States - Portland

Today, while glazing over in class, a splash of saliva slithered its way down my throat and into my wind pipe. Instead of making my way out the door and getting a drink of water, I thought holding it was the best bet. I ended up in an insane coughing fit while tearing up from the force exertion. FML

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By MrAirZone - 01/03/2016 17:48 - United States - Dayton

Today, I found out this girl who has missed 2 months of school and gives an excuse to every day why she can't turn in her work, has an A in class. While I have a C and I always turn in my work and haven't missed a day. FML

agreeclassic 1

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

agreeclassic 58 374

vote type 1 6 900

Today, an angry customer threw her sticky toffee pudding at the wall and pointed out that because it didn't stick, it was not really a "sticky" toffee pudding, and that she'd been mislead. FML

agreeclassic 40 290

vote type 1 3 282

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

agreeclassic 19 373

vote type 1 2 698

Today, my girlfriend of 4 months confessed that she purposely lied and told me she was on the pill when she wasn't so she could get pregnant (she now is). All websites call tampering with birth control reproductive coercion and abuse, but ONLY when a man does it to a woman. When she does it to me, it's a romance book plotline. FML

agreeclassic 1 175

vote type 1 195

Today, I became a grandmother. At 44 years-old. My son is 15. FML

agreeclassic 982

vote type 1 309

Today, I turned up to unclog a customer's blocked sewer, and they were furious that I needed to use their water, like they thought I’d turn up with my own water for the whole job in a small transit van. They told me not to bother, unless I provided my own water. I wasted a day on these idiots. FML

agreeclassic 971

vote type 1 96