Nearly FMLs

By kdawg - 02/03/2016 05:45 - United States - Chandler

Today, I watched as a scorpion with a suicide wish dive into the back of my fan. Yes, he got cut into pieces..yes the stinger managed to fling through the air impailing my cheek. my face feels like it's melting off my skull fml.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By _nobody_to_you_ - 02/03/2016 05:45 - United States - Fraser

Today, I found out that drinking coffee is the only way I can stay awake through the day. Today was also the day I found out that coffee makes me incredibly sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By TooNice - 02/03/2016 05:36 - United States - Pawtucket

Today, I have been doing great as a cashier at my new job and my manager commented on my excellent customer service. So excellent, in fact that one of my customers now waits for me in the parking lot next to my car. He thinks we have "a thing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 05:16 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I had my friend answer the call, and he told them I was having sex in the other room and couldn't talk. Later, I checked the number and saw it was admissions from my dream college. They're probably not going to call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Zoella F. - 02/03/2016 05:10 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, my parents were throwing out an old lamp because "it was too dim." I replied, "you said that about me too, but you never threw me out." "Oh, believe me, we tried." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By the foreigner - 02/03/2016 05:05 - United States - Saint Louis

Today,I asked this girl who I spent almost a year getting fit for, I had veins popping out and my arms were bigger than her legs and then when I went to ask her out she broke it to me that she is a lesbian; after over two years flirting FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By DarkRaiiin - 02/03/2016 05:01 - United States

Today, my entire crew called off. I work at mcdonalds and was there by myself for three hours. I'm not allowed to close the store under any circumstances and had to run counter, drivethrough, and grill on my own. The customers didn't care and still complained about how slow I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By madmaster71 - 02/03/2016 05:01 - United States - Kansas City

Today, i was visiting my boyfriend at his work, and his mother showed up. he introduced me to her as his "future ex wife," FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 05:01 - United States - Fowler

Today, i came home from work and my mom Sat me down and started told me "This might be a little embarrassing but I don't care..." My heart sank. "Your dog peed in your bed and I found..." I started laughing. She found my vibrator and my huge butt plug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Faily_tail - 02/03/2016 04:58 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over text. She texted me "nice guys finish last! You're in first place though. We're over." FML

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You deserved it 0

By crazycrab86 - 02/03/2016 04:57 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my brother-in-law finds if perfectly acceptable to put his hand down his pants and "adjust" himself, and then smell his hand afterwards during conversations. This is not the first time, and I don't think it will be the last.

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You deserved it 0

By done - 02/03/2016 04:56 - United States - Meadville

Today, I had eaten something that didn't sit right in my stomach. Every time I farted I expected an assplosion. So when I felt one coming on I ran to my dorm bathroom but slipped and basically baseball slid my way in and shit myself on the way down. RIP sexy underwear FML

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You deserved it 0

By jakecockery - 02/03/2016 04:53 - United States - Pottstown

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she was "bad". Obviously I responded "no", logically assuming that she meant it as being not good at something. She then got mad at me and now won't talk to me. Apparently "bad" means "hot" now, and I was unaware of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 04:49 - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, I woke up to my drunk boyfriend pissing on the bed. After telling him where to go, I pulled the covers off, and noticed a shit stain all over them too. FML

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You deserved it 0

By fknhoe - 02/03/2016 04:28 - Australia - North Melbourne

Today, it was super hot so I asked my sister to move my fish tank away from the window so it wasn't in the sun while I was out. She forgot. My fish boiled in its own tank water & it's guts were floating around the top when I got home.

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You deserved it 0

By Great Inlaws - 02/03/2016 04:27 - United States - Utica

Today, my sister in law gave birth to a baby boy. When I held the baby I said, "he's so cute what are you going to name him". The whole rooms went silent and then someone said, "don't call the baby a he we don't what what the baby will identify as you ignorant ass". My wife won't speak to me. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Liimbix - 02/03/2016 04:17 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I tried scaring my girlfriend by sending her a scary story over text. She wasn't scared, but I am. In my pitch black bedroom and I'm too scared to move from this position. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By argument phone - 02/03/2016 04:06 - United States - Readstown

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument over text because I mistook her humor as rude sarcasm that was bashing my hobby of playing videogames. At the end of the argument I went from being the victim to being the bad guy because what I said to defend my hobby hurt her feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By married? - 02/03/2016 04:04 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up married to a guy who I just started dating a week ago and I don't even remember it FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By CountryBoy0713 - 02/03/2016 04:03 - United States - La Porte

Today, I found my 'private' area to be quite itchy and then realized that the skin on my shaft and underneath my head has started to peel.. I've never experienced anything like this and I just lost my virginity recently.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By jay251061 - 02/03/2016 03:53 - United States - Rawlins

Today, I finally had the money to pay off the suspension on my driver's license that I never got to get. I had an accident a year ago with a permit, and because of no insurance, I have to get an SR22. I can't get an SR22 without a license, and can't get a license without an SR22. Fml.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By tiredandhurt - 02/03/2016 03:51 - Australia - Sydney

Today, 3/4 into a 7 hour drive to see my bf, i get a message, 'Hey I really don't think I can do this anymore' from my now-ex, 20 minutes after we booked a 14 day holiday for us and his two kids. fml

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You deserved it 0

By Anonamous - 02/03/2016 03:41 - United States - Quincy

Today, I went to go pick up my son from school and when we got back to our apartment I thought the door was unlocked so I tried to be funny and open the door scaring my girlfriend and instead I just ended up running into my door as the neighbors watched FML

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You deserved it 0

By how is that possible - 02/03/2016 03:38 - United States - York

Today, I thought I'd weigh myself before and after pooping just to see the difference. I actually gained weight after. Fml.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By why did this happen? - 02/03/2016 03:31 - United States - Houston

Today, I got pulled over while on my way to renew my drivers license. I got a ticket for having an expired license

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 03:28 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, I live in a country that is selecting Donald Trump as a presidential candidate. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By TheLostCauseFML - 02/03/2016 03:23 - United States - Covington

Today, I spent nearly an hour searching for my hair band. I finally found it on my wrist. This happens more often then I'd like to admit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By batman - 02/03/2016 03:20 - United States - Portland

Today, I dressed up as batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 03:18 - United States - Stafford

Today, in our endless battle of scaring one another, I stealthily approached my husband while he he was cleaning out his car. As I inhaled to scream, I was hit with the most God awful stench, my eyes instantly watered and I started to dry heave. My husband snickered and resumed cleaning the car. FML

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You deserved it 0

By aliciasamara - 02/03/2016 03:08 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I found out my husband has been 'sexting' and got fired for it.... He somehow expects it to be ok for him to be moody and I'm supposed to just be ok with everything and pay for everything. FML

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You deserved it 0

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The Top

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 487

You deserved it 64 475

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS and printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 887

You deserved it 41 596

Today, my dad and a construction worker were having a long talk. I heard the door slam, and assumed that this worker had left. So I yelled out, "Hey dad what were you talking about? Did you talk slowly so the idiot could understand?" Turns out my dad was the one who had walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 882

You deserved it 68 251

Today, a guy left flowers on my doorstep. I got home to find my dad claiming he bought them for my mum. I told my parents they were mine, they laughed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 890

You deserved it 3 161

Today, I tackled and punched some pervert for taking up-skirt photos of a teen girl in a store. I’m now being threatened with a lawsuit because the “teen” was actually the guy's very young looking wife and they were doing some kinky role play in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 94

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 773

You deserved it 3 265