Nearly FML

By aurelj1 - 02/03/2016 17:16 - United States - Arlington

Today, while I was taking school pictures at a middle school, a little girl came in while I was adjusting my camera. She was holding her arm behind her back oddly so I laughed and said it looked like she didn't have an arm. She didn't. FML

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By Luluthus - 02/03/2016 17:13 - Denmark - Holstebro

Today, one of my coworkers told me that she hadn't had sex with her husband in a year. That is still more recent than my last time. FML

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By sarcasmismyno1 - 02/03/2016 17:09 - United States - Madison

Today, I emailed my favorite tea company to complain about them changing their boxes, cuz I can't find any of my favorite teas at the grocery store any more. They sent back a really nice letter that my husband saw. Now he won't stop making fun of me and calling me a little old lady. I'm 30. FML.

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By DonaIdTrump - 02/03/2016 17:04 - United States - Columbus

Today, I realized my mom, who has never done anything for me or my other siblings, has only started being nice to me so she could use me as a built-in babysitter for her newborn son. FML

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By MessedUpLife21 - 02/03/2016 16:55 - United States

Today, I got in trouble by my boss for selling his product. I didn't know that my job is to just sit around not selling product. FML

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By moxiinterstellar - 02/03/2016 16:54 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had a major presentation. My project partner does not have the best hygiene, and despite reminding her three times to dress professionally for our presentation, she still stood up there in a stained hoodie. FML.

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By joi9496 - 02/03/2016 16:44 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I discovered my boyfriend of 3 years goes on dating sites with his brother at the weekend when he stays at his to look at other girls. It's okay though, he says it's not cheating because "there's no messages remaining on his account". He deletes messages in case he gets caught. FML.

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By foolish - 02/03/2016 16:24 - United States

Today, I had a dream about one of my exes...again. He's been married to one of my best friends for four and a half years. I'm still in love with him. FML

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By LittleGina - 02/03/2016 15:32 - United States - Benson

Today, after stepping out of the shower, I sneezed and shat myself. My accident landed all over the floor. FML

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By oops - 02/03/2016 15:08 - United States - Decorah

Today, my wife and I were going at it and I pulled out a little too far and poked her in the butt. We haven't talked in 3 days. FML

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By Thanks4Nothing - 02/03/2016 14:35 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today I realized that changing schools so often in the beginning of 9th grade has caused so much confusion in the school system that there is no documentation of me ever eve being enrolled at a school for the first semester. In turn, I have to retake all the classes that I had already done. FML

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By TheKingOfHearts - 02/03/2016 14:21 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, on my 1st anniversary at my job, my coworkers literally spelled "That Hoe" on my cake. My parents are Chinese and my real name is Dat' Ho. FML

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By ThereGoes200bucks - 02/03/2016 14:15 - United States - Pawtucket

Today, I've been so excited about receiving my new, expensive shakes in the mail to help with my weight loss and controlling my appetite. I've so far been eating the same in addition to the shakes and have gained 5 pounds this week. FML

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By Brad - 02/03/2016 14:07 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me in the worst way possible. I was going down on her and it tasted funny, then I realized I was in fact licking another man's cum out of her pussy, and the bitch was letting me do it. I didn't make it to the bathroom before I threw up. FML

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By Surprised - 02/03/2016 14:07 - United States - Windsor

Today, after months of trying to be a better family man; going to counseling, trying to be more compromising, and coming from a place of calm, my wife of five years told me she's only with me because we have a kid together. FML

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By xmrshendersonxx - 02/03/2016 14:05 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, after weeks of not being able to sleep due to insomnia, I finally fell asleep before midnight. Then my dorms fire alarm went off. Twice. FML

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By lovecottoncandy - 02/03/2016 13:59 - United States - Olive Branch

Today, my dad thinks Trump would make a good president. We're Muslim. FML

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By iSamsung - 02/03/2016 13:56 - United States - Chicago

Today, my sister wanted to disprove the fact that Nokia phones are unbreakable. She succeeded. On my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 13:56 - United States - Orlando

Today, my senile chemistry teacher yelled at my friends and I for a solid ten minutes and then proceeded to give us all detention because we weren't focusing at what was on the board. The board was empty, so we sat there for another 30 minutes watching absolutely nothing with detention slips. FML.

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By Foxxxtrottt - 02/03/2016 13:54 - United States - Columbus

Today, I had a take home math test from my professor. Im not the best with numbers so i cheated. I still failed FML

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By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 13:50 - United States - Pinellas Park

Today, and everyday, my coworkers call me over to help them. They don't have basic computer skills and so I wrote them step-by-step instructions with pictures. I also even showed them. Instead of following the directions, they call me. This includes my off days. They were hired to help me. FML

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By it burns - 02/03/2016 13:23 - United States - Wylie

Today, My sister made me mad so I decided to the classic ol' shave my balls with your razor. I'm now the proud owner of chlamydia. FML.

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By Stazza11 - 02/03/2016 13:20 - Australia - Perth

Today, after a night of drinking I woke feeling absolutely horrid, with the world still spinning I emerged from bed to make my way to the toilet to rid my stomach of this hellish abnormality. Waddling along I paused, clenching with fear.. It was too late, I power shit in the middle of the hall, FML

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By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 12:27 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was attacked for being religious. Apparently, my faith makes me a "homophobic murderer". FML

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By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 12:18 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, during a deep conversation with my girlfriend, she asked me why I didn't feel ready for sex - or even masturbated. When I admitted it was because of a trauma, she slumped down, saying: "Another one?" I've never heard someone sound so bored. FML

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By Ouch - 02/03/2016 12:05 - United States - Davenport

Today, I turned 28. The closest thing I had to birthday sex was when one of my moms Russian dolls fell off a shelf and landed hard on my dick. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 11:57 - South Africa - Johannesburg

After going to my first therapist, he said my years of bulimia and depression are linked. He wrote me a perscription for anitdepressants to help me recover.The side effects? Intense nausia and vomitting. I can't keep one meal down. FML

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By bus guy - 02/03/2016 11:56 - Canada - Orleans

Today, my local school board kept the busses running even though the conditions are horrible. About 5 minutes in to the bus ride, we slipped on a rather large amount of black ice, and went sprawling into the snow. I guess the dumbass weatherman that works for the schoolboard isn't doing his job. FML

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By Jake - 02/03/2016 11:54 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, my stepbrother got upset at me and punched me in the face. I didn't even get a bruise but he managed to break his knuckle. My stepmum then blamed the whole thing on me, saying I was too violent and a bad influence on her precious baby boy. That baby boy is a jobless 20yo pothead. FML

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By ouch - 02/03/2016 11:53 - Netherlands - Rotterdam

Today, I decided to better myself and wake up early to try out a "Miracle Morning" and increase my productivity. Went to the gym, did a warmup, wanted to start deadlifting, dropped a 20kg barbell on my hand. So much for productivity. FML.

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Top

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

agreeclassic 29 158

vote type 1 2 327

Today, I noticed my dishwasher wouldn't turn on. After shelling out $120 call-out fee, I was a little miffed when the technician walked in, pressed the 'unlock' function and walked out again. FML

agreeclassic 9 821

vote type 1 53 171

Today, my wife is mad because she forgot our anniversary. Not me, her. She thought it was today and got mad at me for having nothing planned. It’s tomorrow, and I do have stuff planned for us. So she’s mad at me because she got it wrong and felt like an idiot, which is somehow my fault. FML

agreeclassic 612

vote type 1 89

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

agreeclassic 51 854

vote type 1 17 125

Today, I couldn’t figure out why I was getting so much spam in my professional email. My own mother thought it would be a hilarious “prank” to sign me up for a ton of random mailing lists. I missed an amazing job opportunity due to her bullshit. FML

agreeclassic 533

vote type 1 89

Today, I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. She brought up the family reunion last weekend and how my family is so strange. I didn't know there was a reunion, I wasn't invited. FML

agreeclassic 44 334

vote type 1 2 684