Nearly FMLs

By gamewizard - 02/03/2016 23:16 - United States - Montgomery

Today, after talking to my best friend of 3 years I turned to go home and I heard him say "my god finally this bitch is gone." I was only a few inches away when I heard that. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By TrumpDump - 02/03/2016 23:07 - United States - Indianapolis

Yesterday, my teacher said Donald Trump was a bad influence. Today, she said she was going to vote for him, since she thought he made the most sense. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By ihatemycat - 02/03/2016 23:01 - United States - Rehoboth

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to get a cup of coffee. When I went to get a cup my cat jumped out and clawed my face. I got 5 stitches and still haven't had any coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By abbi__271 - 02/03/2016 22:59 - United States - Portland

Recently, my parents found and read my journal. Because of my bad memory, I've been writing down my life story since 4th grade. They now know all of my most intimate moments and have been giving me the silent treatment for 3 days. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anon - 02/03/2016 22:51

Today, my mother called to scream at me, demand I see a psychologist for self-mutilation, and ban me from ever seeing her or my sister. I'm 22 and living on my own. All I did was get a tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By b - 02/03/2016 22:35 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, my boyfriend decided to surprise me by getting a new haircut, he looks like he borrowed Trump's wig. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By BlowingChunks - 02/03/2016 22:32 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I puked. While that's not all that bad on its own, it was on my crush, while in the middle of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Dick Friend - 02/03/2016 22:28 - United States - Haymarket

Today, my dick of a friend complained about his "awful life." He's a spoiled brat with rich parents, a nice house, all sorts of fancy gadgets and computers, and a maid, who he abuses constantly. He told me to fuck off and go back to the kitchen where women belong when I confronted him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ghjnhh - 02/03/2016 22:08 - United States - Chandler

Today, I watched as a scorpion with an apparent death wish dove into the back of my fan. Yes it's body went flying in all directions.Yes the stinger impaled my cheek. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By weddingcrazies - 02/03/2016 22:05 - Canada - Vanderhoof

Today, I found out that my Step-mother expects me to have my 3 foster siblings in my wedding party. And if I don't, I am the most horrible person in the world. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 22:03 - United States - Boston

Today, my boyfriend and are were texting dirty things to one another. Whilst trying to type "I want to get **** like one" my phone decided to autocorrect it to "I want to get **** like one direction". My boyfriend found it sexy and asked "Mm, like Harry Styles?". I guess he's a One Directioner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By No ocean for me - 02/03/2016 22:03 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I got waxed for the first time in preparation for a trip. I had concerns going in, but having an entire strip of skin ripped off was not one I had considered. The place I'm going to has an average temperature of 90 degrees, and the doctor said no swimming due to the risk of infection. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By peach0934 - 02/03/2016 21:59 - United States - Aurora

Today, my dad told me that he expects grandkids. I had to remind him, again, that not only do I absolutly hate children, but I am also a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Pokemaniac - 02/03/2016 21:56 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was at my brother's house playing the original Pokémon Red on my 3DS. My eleven year old nephew came over, took a look and said, "The fuck is this ugly shit? The graphics are so gay!" Then he went back to playing Call of Duty on his Xbox One. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By babyface - 02/03/2016 21:46 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I got carded for an R rated movie. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Sick and Hungry - 02/03/2016 21:37 - United States - Brandon

Today, I work up feeling extremely sick, not even being able to leave the bathroom, so I couldn't go to work. I picked the day that my boyfriend was supposed to surprise me at work by proposing to me at work. He forgot I was at home. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By sleepymofo - 02/03/2016 21:36 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I went to the gym and was just doing some warm-up cardio on the treadmill. Unfortunately, that's when my narcolepsy hit me. My earphones came out, my iPod went flying, my glasses flew off and popped a lens out, and I've wound up with a black eye and lost a part of my left eyebrow. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By iSamsung - 02/03/2016 21:33 - United States - Chicago

Today, I saw someone shitting in a school urinal. He looked at me with a straight face and pooped some more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By never going to orgasm again - 02/03/2016 21:15 - United States

Today, I finally had an hour alone without kids or anything that needed to be done, for the first time in months. I got out my vibrator and almost started when my husband (he refuses to touch me) decided to come home for lunch. The babysitter dropped the kids off as he was leaving. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By NickACD - 02/03/2016 21:12 - United States - San Diego

Today, while I was driving some asshole stopped in the middle of the road. Cars were parked on either side, so I couldn't pass him. He was stopped for 5 minutes. The person behind me yelled, honked, and tapped my bumper to get me to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By soontobeex - 02/03/2016 21:10 - United States - Houston

Today, my husband asked me to beat up his girlfriend for cheating on him. Fml.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By heeed - 02/03/2016 21:06 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my fingernail came right off when I accidentally closed my binder ring onto it FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By PoorGrandma - 02/03/2016 20:59 - United States - Mulberry

Today, I broke my knee at work. I was sent to the hospital and was cleared to work again. my boss made me take a drug test that I obviously failed because they gave me pain pills. Not only am I fired but work won't cover my medical bills because I was apparently "high" when I tripped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By cc - 02/03/2016 20:56

Today I offered my husband a BJ. He politely declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 20:54 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, my sister complained for hours about how stressful life is and how hard it is to be unmarried at this age. that would have been fine if she wasn't twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Kiernan151 - 02/03/2016 20:47 - United States

Today, I had a minor stroke causes by stress. Apparently High School caused enough stress to give me a stroke at the ripe age of 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By why_me - 02/03/2016 20:39 - United States - Dewitt

Today, the 4 year old girl I babysit climbed up and stood behind me on an armchair. I reached my arms back and started tickling, until she said "you're gonna make me pee!" and ran to the bathroom. I soon found out that she already had, right on my sweater and pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Chloe's New Date - 02/03/2016 20:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my crush of 9 years to our senior prom. I led her to one of the less-used classrooms, which I had just spent my lunch hour painstakingly decorating. She took one look at the flowers, streamers, and balloons, before she gasped and said, "Is this for Chloe? She's going to love it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Rian42 - 02/03/2016 20:34 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I took a pre-calculus test. For the past 5 years they have had a passing rate of less than 50% on this subject. The school still sees nothing wrong with this. They haven't tried to fix it at all and have continued to implement it into our curriculum. This will be my first failed class. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Aura_Borealis - 02/03/2016 20:32 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my boyfriend said he needed to tell me something and to not freak out. Which worried me. Then, after a long pause, he said his poop was turquoise. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I realized that I've only had 3 men show interest in me: A blind man, a drunk, and a guy so desperate, he's been trying for over 5 years of solid "No"s. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 384

Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 696

You deserved it 48 724

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 377

You deserved it 6 561

Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 871

You deserved it 3 428

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 593

You deserved it 12 448

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 861

You deserved it 8 751