Nearly FMLs

By ShalalaLynn - 12/03/2016 08:30 - United States - Castle

Today, after finally getting a job and waiting for a call for orientation, my phone broke. Its been 4 days and the replacement isn't here. Goodbye job. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By martin29417 - 12/03/2016 08:16 - Germany - Hanover

Today, I am in the hospital, because my older sister put peanut butter into my toothpaste. She did it because I ate one of her yogurts yesterday and my parents say it's my own fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By shrekshrek - 12/03/2016 07:41 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, after a sports ceremony, my crush came up and congratulated me on getting my award. I said, "thanks, you too!" He didn't get an award. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By sleepingwithearplugs - 12/03/2016 07:23 - United States - Lawai

Today, I found out that my father, who I didn't even know was dating, had a girlfriend. How? They woke me up with their loud, boisterous sex in the middle of the night. It's only been four months since my mom committed suicide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Dynamite73 - 12/03/2016 06:09 - United States - Bulverde

Today, my cousin is hiding things in my shoes. As I went to put them on, I found a razor blade inside, with my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By crownedcrazy - 12/03/2016 05:56 - United States - Little Neck

Today, I picked up my check from work and deposited it into a new account I just opened. I have no access to my money til Monday while my phone bill is due tomorrow and I have no cash for lunch for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anon - 12/03/2016 05:42 - United States - Mankato

Today, I came to the full realization of how long it had been since I had sex. I very discreetly scratched an itch in my nether regions and nearly came. In public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By clair_brodie - 12/03/2016 05:33 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I found out it is possible to get a yeast infection in your belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Tycollie - 12/03/2016 05:29 - Australia - Oxenford

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years came over for dinner. We were half way through dinner and mum asked him how impressive I was at sex. I boyfriend told my mum that I was shit and he only has sex with me because he doesn't want to to hurt my feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 12/03/2016 05:21 - United States - Champaign

Today while on my way to class, a squirrel suddenly fell onto the sidewalk and laid twitching at my feet. A girl soliciting donations for cancer patients saw this happen. "Anything in that much pain deserves to be put out of its misery," she said, and suggested we kill it together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Cantbreathe - 12/03/2016 04:44 - United States - Middleton

Today, I went to the gym for an evening run, thinking it would be empty. It turned out to be me and the other gym rats. One of these protein-head dickwads had gas. I was alone on the treadmill line, and whenever he had to fart, he would go for a stroll and crop dust me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Cligg - 12/03/2016 04:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that I find my best friend more attractive than my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By blubran - 12/03/2016 04:34 - United States - Forked River

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky in bed. She thought it would be a turn on if she talked dirty. She might have been right if she hadn't called me by another guy's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anonymous - 12/03/2016 04:18 - United States

Today, I decided to invite someone who was eating school lunch alone, to sit at my table. Turns out this kid is really creepy and says he's a vampire. He now won't sit anywhere else and everyday he tells us who he drank from the night before. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Leauge - 12/03/2016 03:40 - United States - Russellville

Today, I mixed Donkey Kong and King Kong together and said Kinky Dong to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 2

By Anonymous - 12/03/2016 03:24 - United States - Largo

Today, my father died. Before he died, my sister told him she was pregnant with his 3rd grandson. All I could say is "we're still trying". I miscarried last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Dave - 12/03/2016 03:13 - Germany - Stuttgart

Today, I returned from a 15 month deployment to Afghanistan, only to find my "wife" flew right past our flight with another soldier (her new boyfriend), "robbed" our joint-bank account of 60,000 bucks, emptied the entire house, and left a note saying, "Welcome Home". FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By gabuliye - 12/03/2016 02:53 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I went to pick up my milkshake from the cup holder in my boyfriend's car. Thinking it wouldn't fall off, I grabbed the cup by its lid. I was wrong and now there is milkshake everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By prettyimpatient - 12/03/2016 02:52 - United States - Stafford

Today, I went to the rehearsal for my sisters wedding that wasn't supposed to have kids in it. I walk in there are 4 kids in the wedding. my boyfriend and I have 2 kids... and they werent invited... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By PositiveVibes - 12/03/2016 02:46 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I found $20 on the ground. My account balance is still negative FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Tricked - 12/03/2016 02:30 - United States - Newark

Today, my GF and i went to confront her identical twin for multiple times impersonating her one time tricking me to even having sex with her. Soon after we got there she smirked and held up a positive pregnancy test, to add insult to injury my GF can't have kids

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By theruns - 12/03/2016 02:26 - United States - Twinsburg

Today, while trying to impress my crush, I agreed to go on a run with him and his friends. My Irritable Bowl Syndrome kicked in when we were nowhere near a restroom. Needless to say, he wasn't very impressed when I crapped myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Dog - 12/03/2016 02:00 - Australia - Caulfield North

Today, I got in trouble at school because my friend called me a dog. The teacher yelled at me because I wasn't offended enough. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By SocialSkillz - 12/03/2016 01:58 - United States - Bartlesville

Today, at school, my social skills are so bad that people spread a rumor saying that I can't speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By nochillchili - 12/03/2016 01:51 - United States - Newark

Today, I chilling at home with my girlfriend. She wasn't feeling well, so I let her sleep in my bed. I made her some chili to help cheer her and let her rest some more. After dropping her back home and coming back, I went upstairs to change my sheets. I noticed a heap of chili in my trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By MikaykayUnicorn - 12/03/2016 01:49 - United States - Newcastle

Today, my best friend since kindergarten told me to stop telling her about my depression because she doesn't care. There goes the only person who cared about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 12/03/2016 01:42 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, while putting the finishing touches on my makeup, I accidentally grabbed black eyeliner instead of my eyebrow pencil. Now I have jet black eyebrows to go with my new blonde hair. I have to be in the office in less than ten minutes! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By lonelybrokensoul - 12/03/2016 01:41 - United States - Columbus

Today, my psycho ex-boyfriend scared away the new guy I was talking to. And he wonders why I won't take him back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By oldyelper - 12/03/2016 01:31 - United States - Newark

Today, while studying in the library, one of my friends snuck up on me and tickled my armpits out of nowhere. I burst out laughing and everyone in the library gave me dirty looks. My friend then proceeded send my notes flying off my desk and ran. I had to get them all while getting glared at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Too broke to sleep - 12/03/2016 01:15 - United States - New York

Today, due to a mishap with my airline, I now get to spend the night in an airport with 2 LED Tv's and my bags. I can't afford a hotel. I'm not sure if I should be upset at the fact it's too noisy to sleep, or relieved that something is keeping me up to watch my possessions from being stolen. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, a door-to-door salesman came to my apartment. I was too lazy to change from my teddy bear print pajamas, fuzzy socks and pink slippers when opening the door to him. He took one look at me and asked, "Hello darling, are your mommy and daddy home?" I'm 22 and live here on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 229

You deserved it 1 806

Today, I went on a first date, and it was going surprisingly well. As we were saying goodbye, I leaned in for a kiss. Just as our lips were about to meet, a car full of teenagers drove by and one of them yelled, "TONGUE SANDWICH." My date burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 158

Today, I went to the doctor for what I thought was a persistent bug bite. Turns out it was a mole I'd never noticed. I had been scratching it then applying anti-itch cream for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 333

You deserved it 135

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 860

You deserved it 615

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 856

You deserved it 6 101

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 606

You deserved it 7 870