Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 03:31 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was in bed getting ready for a nap. My cat was sleeping on my chest, and as I started to yawn, she puked in my mouth. The taste and smell is still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By fisherjackson - 25/03/2016 03:27 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store and when I was done getting what I needed to get I went back out to get my bike. Both my tires were slashed and there was a note on my handlebars saying "Sorry, wrong bike." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By fuckamundo - 25/03/2016 03:21 - United States - Greenwood

Today, a girl I've been trying to get with for a while now asked me to hang out tonight. What welcomed me when I arrived? Her. In bed. Naked. With her boyfriend.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By angelina - 25/03/2016 03:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it was my favorite DJ's birthday. I have a casual friendship with him and we joke around a lot. I put our heads onto the old "you're adopted" cat birthday cake meme as a joke. Guess what I didn't know about him?

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By blewitoutmyass - 25/03/2016 03:14 - United States - Abington

Today, while sitting on my couch I farted so hard that my boxers started to feel wet. When I went to the bathroom to wipe my ass, I found that the toilet paper was not brown, but red. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 03:01 - United States - Huntington Station

Today, while home alone, I tried to take care of some 'needs' I was feeling. I pulled up my favorite porn site and since my speaker on my phone is broken, I plugged in my headphones. I guess I didn't it was to loud to hear the front door open and my sister with her girlfriend walk in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By ayylmaoo - 25/03/2016 02:46 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, after taking a massive dump, I reached for the toilet paper. Since it wouldn't roll in the container, I decided to take it out to wipe. My hand slipped and the entire roll fell inside the toilet. I hadn't flushed yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Sore Tooth - 25/03/2016 02:32 - Australia - Collingwood

Today, whilst drinking a glass of water, my brother thought it would be hilarious to jump out and scare me. I now have one whole front tooth and three quarters of the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By All Stunk Out - 25/03/2016 02:23 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I woke up to the smell of cat shit. After twenty minutes of searching for the lone poop, I found it in the corner of the laundry, with a pair of dirty undies from the wash basket draped over it. Nice try cat, but I found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By FalloutScrolls - 25/03/2016 02:13 - United States - Chicago

Today, my doorbell rang unexpectedly and I got up to see who it was. It was a woman who I had dated way back in high school, who then proceeded to drunkenly confess how bad she felt for dumping me all those years ago. 12 years ago. I don't know how she found out where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By TheDumbGoat - 25/03/2016 01:39

Today, I was taking a person order at work at McDonalds, and before I could ask "Would you like to make that a meal?", he rudely interrupted me and raised his voice and said "Hurry up and charge me!" So when I have him his order, he complained to my manager for not charging him a meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By sadblufly - 25/03/2016 01:35 - United States - Louisville

Today, I called my mom to tell her I graduated a counseling program. I was proud of myself for getting over my depression and anxiety that I had been dealing with for my entire life. She laughed at me and told me that my depression was almost as pathetic as I am. Wonder why I'm depressed. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By lonelyloser - 25/03/2016 01:27 - United States - Breinigsville

Today was spring break. Normally, I’d be okay without having plans, but my 12 year old twin sisters are going to a party, my mother went out with her friends to watch a movie, and my 7 year old brother has a bunch of his friends over for a sleepover. I feel like an overrated, bratty 17 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By thanksforthesupport - 25/03/2016 01:22 - United States - Holly Springs

Today, I have my first GYN appointment, and it's with a male doctor. My boyfriend considered the appointment as "cheating on him." Guess who's single now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By FuckedUpLive - 25/03/2016 01:12 - United States - Joplin

Today, while in art class I was one of the few doing EXACTLY what our strict art teacher asked. When she wanted to reward us, she gave the others calculators, pencils, and even the good expensive erasers. What do I get? Toothpaste, not even a toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By LibraryLife - 25/03/2016 01:07

Today, a patron called at my job and cussed me out for "mocking her disabled husband". He had called a few minutes prior, and I could not understand him due to the static of the phone, so I asked him to repeat his name. He didn't sound upset on the phone. His wife, however, is taking this HR. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 01:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started getting a bad cold that supposedly won't go away for two weeks. I could have handled this if today weren't the day I had three tests, or if today wasn't the day my boyfriend decided to break up with me. I am now single and alone in bed unable to do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By midnightm16 - 25/03/2016 01:02 - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that the company I quit working at because the pay was too low, is raising their employees' wages. They now pay more than my current job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By painintheneckANDass - 25/03/2016 00:53 - United States

Today I had an endoscopy. And a colonoscopy. Without sedation. Suffice it to say it felt as if I had a facehugger from the Alien movies attached to both ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Random_person23 - 25/03/2016 00:48 - United States - Arlington

Today, my sister got pissed at me for no apparent reason, and ended up tearing apart all my homework up. Now I have 5 minutes to rewrite it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By pillowmountain - 25/03/2016 00:35 - United States - Columbia

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed and the numbness and overwhelming amount of gauze in my mouth made it very difficult to speak. THAT moment is when the interview call I'd been waiting two weeks for came in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Silentcrafter11 - 25/03/2016 00:20 - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I was dismissed from my school for a failing grade in one of my classes. It was one point from passing. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Sammywammy - 25/03/2016 00:18 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating to a lesbian porno. She then looked at me and said "We are both adults here are we not?", and continued touching herself. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By So Much For Best Friends... - 25/03/2016 00:17 - United States - Greencastle

Today, it's been almost a month since I talked to my best friend. This wouldn't ordinarily bother me, but they keep posting on social media how their life is turning back around after three years. That's how long we've been friends... Needless to say, they won't reply to my texts... FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Sulphuric_Glue - 24/03/2016 23:53 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, some random kid at school tripped me over and I slammed face-first into a wall, then promptly blacked out. I now have a very sensitive huge lump on my forehead. The guy still refuses to take responsibility and thinks it is hilarious... as do all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By yourewelcomedad - 24/03/2016 23:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad tried to break the new Galaxy S7 I bought him, all because he didn't know how to turn on manual zoom. He is now demanding I get him a new phone, and also blames me for getting him a "defective" one. I haven't even paid off the phone yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By sin - 24/03/2016 23:46 - United States

Today, my mom doesn't beleive that my brother and I both have food poisoning at the same time. He's puking into a bucket. I'm on the toilet with a bowl in my lap. We still had to go to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anonymous - 24/03/2016 23:45 - United States

Today, I saw my best friends posts of her and her new boyfriend all over Facebook. This would be fine if I hadn't recently confessed my love to her, she confessed hers back, and if we hadn't kissed multiple times. And this isn't the first time either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Konnichiwashingston - 24/03/2016 23:43 - United States - Mclean

Today, I opened my laptop in a lecture hall of over 250 students so I could take notes. Instead, a porn video resumed with the speakers on max volume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By soccer12345 - 24/03/2016 23:34 - United States - Glassboro

Today, I found out if I got the internship I applied for last week. Turns out, they liked me so much and felt I was too qualified for the job. Guess who didn't get the internship. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

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The Top

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 111

You deserved it 1 961

Today, while working as a truck driver, I decided to enjoy my lunch break in a park. Within minutes, I was shat on by a bird. On my way back to my table after cleaning myself off I saw birds swooping down to my bag and stealing the rest of my lunch. I have no food left and didn't bring my debit card. Only 14 hours of driving to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 385

You deserved it 1 886

Today, after shopping alone at a grocery store, I was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran. Deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded, I didn't chase him. Later, I realized that was the bag my credit card was in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 728

You deserved it 17 361

Today, I had the choice of visiting a ruined castle or having hot gay sex. I chose the castle. What is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 281

You deserved it 983

Today, my dad wants me to spray a wasp nest, because I'm the fittest family member and can run the fastest. The wasps are already angry, and I'm allergic to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 858

You deserved it 1 861

Today, my fiancée bought me a luxury getaway to the Maldives, complete with a five-star hotel and first-class plane tickets. Too bad she used my credit card, with all the money I was saving for our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 463

You deserved it 352