Nearly FMLs

By NotaDrugAddict - 25/03/2016 17:18 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my brother misplaced his wallet, and for some reason my family is convinced that I stole it to buy drugs. I've never done drugs in my life and have no idea how they came to this conclusion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Ellie - 25/03/2016 17:14 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I found out why my dad suddenly bought a new car and gave me his old one, because he knew the engine was about to fail and didn't want it to be his problem when it eventually did. It blew up on the motorway and I blocked the whole lane until another driver helped me push it to the side FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 17:07 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my boyfriend told me I should audition for "The Biggest Loser". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By wellthatsucks - 25/03/2016 17:03 - United States - Battle Creek

Today, my boyfriend of two years dumped me because of our age difference. The one year gap just now started to bother him. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Catsucksometimes - 25/03/2016 16:58 - United States - Davidson

Today, I finished a juice cleanse my mom made me do because I'm too "fat". I got a vegan hamburger to keep on a diet. I brought it home and one of my cats threw up on it while I was grabbing some juice to go with my hamburger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Senseless_487 - 25/03/2016 16:50 - United States - Pine Grove

Today, I got to spend hours listening to my manager brag about how big his quarterly bonus was. Apparently, it was more than I make in a year. I guess I can plug away at 25 hours a week as long as I make him the big bucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By halpmihpls - 25/03/2016 16:22 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, to my horror, my parents had somehow managed to put restrictions on my iPod touch. Now the app store, my favourite websites AND the "clear history" button are now disabled, because they didn't want me looking at "age-restricted material". I'm 18. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By _sleepyhead_ - 25/03/2016 16:20 - United States - Ozark

Today, I asked my boyfriend of two years if he wanted to come over and spend the day with me. His parents said he couldn't, as he's going to be busy all weekend. This morning, he texted me and said "I'm going to a movie with Quintin at 12:30". He doesn't see why I'm upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By 0h_Boy - 25/03/2016 16:05 - United States

Today, I went to see a psychiatrist about my battle with depression. His prescription? Rum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Dying Slowly - 25/03/2016 16:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I've been on and off the toilet all day, vomited multiple times, had the migraine of the century, and been unable to stand due to overwhelming dizziness. No, I'm not sick, I'm just on my period. This happens every month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By aclark2523 - 25/03/2016 15:39 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I realized i have an FML addiction when I received the "God like" keen reader badge. This means I have read every single FML in history. I only got this app a year and a half ago. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By leguanmater - 25/03/2016 15:34 - Germany - Augsburg

Today, I found out that my "friends" have a whatsapp-group where they talk bad about me behind my back and it was all started by my ex, who broke up with me months ago and is still pissed because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 15:29 - Canada - Hamilton

Today I had a severe stomach flu and couldn't get into work so I text my co-worker early that morning to let her know. I received texts back on how I was inconsiderate because I didn't say "would you mind" or "please" and that "she had plans." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By hitmeagainike - 25/03/2016 15:27 - United States - Taylors

Today, I told my 5 year old that my cocoa puffs were rabbit turds so I didn't have to share with her. She replied, "oh! That's why your breath smells like shit!" Fml

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ... - 25/03/2016 15:12 - United States - Waverly

Today, I tried to watch porn in my room while my mom was in the other room. I thought the volume was off since I pressed the volume down button. Turns out that put the ringer on low. Moaning started blaring at full volume in the middle of the night. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Jstick - 25/03/2016 15:11 - United States - Houston

Today, I had to send my band director some recordings of scales. After I spent an hour recording them all and sending them individually, I checked back the next day to discover that none of them had actually sent. They were due the day I recorded them. Of all classes, I'm going to fail band. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 14:59 - United States - Burnsville

Today, I was asked for a price check on a box of Kotex. I misunderstood and thought the cashier said thumb tacks so I asked if the customer wanted the kind you push in with your finger or the kind you hammer in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By fashz - 25/03/2016 14:55 - Italy - Brescia

Today, my crush texted me "I love you" and I was super happy but right after he texted me "lol". Best 3 seconds of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anonymous - 25/03/2016 13:49 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while looking for a sock in my dad's room. I found a cucumber, lube, and condoms. WTF dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By janderson416 - 25/03/2016 13:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting on the couch and my fiancés phone lit up. I glanced over and saw his ex girlfriends name. Apparently she found it a good time to profess her love for him, right after we announced our engagement.... Best part is she lives next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 13:16 - United Kingdom - Bognor Regis

Today, I was having sex with a guy I've been in love with for years when he suddenly started screaming that his penis was bleeding. He looked even more freaked out when he realised that I had just come on my period early. Safe to say he left in a hurry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anon - 25/03/2016 12:32 - Australia - Sydney

Today, it's been 9 days since I last had a bowel motion despite 3 doctors giving me all they've got. I've been farting so bad that I've offended myself. I just picked up teen daughter from work after letting rip in the car. She got in & vomited. Now car smells like something vomited and died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By thanksforthesupport - 25/03/2016 12:13 - United States - Holly Springs

Today, I have my first GYN appointment, and it's with a male doctor. My boyfriend considered the appointment as "cheating on him." Guess who's single now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By bendyyy - 25/03/2016 11:41 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my girlfriend told me it's either my job or her. Her reason being I have too many attractive coworkers to cheat on her with. She has cheated on me with one of her coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By pfitch32 - 25/03/2016 11:39 - United States - Williamson

Today, I was feeling a bit horny so I decided to masterbate while I was home alone. Turns out I wasn't alone because my mom walked in mid way through. The only thing she could say was, "Damn I guess you really are your fathers son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By friendzonedguy - 25/03/2016 11:35 - India - Bangalore

Today, I asked my crush out and she agreed. After our outing, I realised she had a boyfriend. Then, I worked my way up and asked if she told her boyfriend about what we did. She said she did. I just realised how deep in the friendzone I am in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Stuckwithher - 25/03/2016 11:01 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, judge ordered my cheating fiancee of nine years and I to stay together, be nice to each other, and work it out for sake of our four children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By AllyK_shawol - 25/03/2016 10:48 - United States - Davenport

Today, I tried to explain to an older man I know that my sister's girlfriend, who is very masculine, is in fact not a man and not even transgender. My poor sister was so embarrassed that she had to leave and after 15 minutes of me trying to explain it to him, he still insisted she must be a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By PeppermintPenny - 25/03/2016 10:42 - Germany - Schondorf

Today, my grandpa is in the hospital with an infection, my aunt is dying of cancer and I need to bring my cat with an ulcerous wound to the vet. Being on my period I'm more emotional than ever and can barely stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 10:22 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after I casually brought up the subject, my dad started ranting about how there are only two genders, and that if you have a penis you're a man and if you have a vagina you're a woman. I brought up the subject to see what his reaction would be because I'm trans. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 054

You deserved it 7 990

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 892

You deserved it 34 430

Today, a man came to fix my fridge. He was either on meth or crazy, because he yelled that it was an unsafe work environment, all because my puppy growled at him behind an 8ft fence. He got so crazy, my sick dog had a seizure. I sent the video to his manager, who said we just had a difference in personalities. I agree, I was polite, he was insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 167

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in his car when things got hot and heavy and we decided to climb in the back. After we finished we started to put our clothes back just as a someone's brights flooded into the car. It was a cop, and he had been there the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 137

You deserved it 41 000

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 616

You deserved it 1 324

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 547

You deserved it 3 377