Nearly FMLs

By Jennifer34593 - 27/03/2016 00:09 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I was watching a soap opera where the storyline involves a twin switching and swapping of a spouse. I had commented to my husband that if he were switched I would know because after 20 years of marriage, I know his body. He looked straight at me and said: "I wouldn't be able to tell" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By js48 - 27/03/2016 00:01 - United States - Menasha

Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me me. Why, because she heard from a friend of hers that I cheated on her with my ex. She is the only girlfriend I've ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 22:32 - United States - Greenville

Today, I remembered that I volunteered to watch my cute neighbor's pets while he's on vacation. A month ago. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By balugawhale92 - 26/03/2016 22:03 - United States - Akron

Signed up for a dating site, because I'm so introverted and have such bad social anxiety I can't bother going out. I finally find someone that it says I'm "99.9% compatible", only to find out it's my first cousin. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By dumb bitch - 26/03/2016 21:52 - Germany

Today, in the midths of eating (and drinking) my feelings, I managed to slip on a peep and break my jaw on a bottle of vodka. Happy Easter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By mackamuir - 26/03/2016 21:40 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, is Easter, and I bought 5 packs of those off brand chocolate eggs for my sister, and I set them up for her to have a nice Easter egg hunt, she found one and refused to hunt for anymore, why? Because "they're not the yummy ones" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By backburnerwife - 26/03/2016 21:38 - United States - Rocky Mount

Today was the day of my 26th birthday party. My husband of 7 years, father of my daughter, and guy I have been with for 10 years, ditched my party to hang out with another girl.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By BrokenBalls... - 26/03/2016 20:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, After my mother had been asking me for a month to go onto the roof to remove something from the satellite because she was returning it, I finally did it. While trying to get up there I scraped my balls, only to find out a few mins later that thing she needed was below, right on the house, in plain site. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By LeEpicMemerDoge - 26/03/2016 20:40 - United States - North Scituate

Today, my father yelled at me and told me to move out because I said that my brother has the right to be sad about not getting into his dream college. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By diego - 26/03/2016 20:37

Today, my dog was across the street with the neighbors dog. Since I was looking through the window I saw the neighbor kick my dog, he fell on his side and ran with a limp. of course I ran over and punched the fucker in the face. now he's suing me for assault FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 20:37 - United States - Quakertown

Today, my stepmother met my fiancé's mother and grandmother. She is 4 years older than me, so of course it was awkward for the first meet. Even more awkward when my stepmother started complaining about her sex life in front of them FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Dazzled - 26/03/2016 20:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today I found out that a group of my male friends are waiting for my terminally ill boyfriend to die so they can "console" me. I found out because one dreamt about it and felt guilty. I've known some of them since childhood. I just don't know exactly who besides the one who admitted it....FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 20:17 - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I had to hide in my bathroom to avoid being yelled at by my parents. The reason? they think I spend too much time on the computer. I'm a computer science major.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By NejiiTen220 - 26/03/2016 20:17 - United States - East Bridgewater

Today, my friend asked me to help pass out invitations for her sweet 16, of course I said yes because I felt it was a nice thing for me to do. Once we were done she told me that I wasn't invited. This is what I get for being a nice person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By PackardBell - 26/03/2016 20:03 - United States

Today, I was at a funeral for a recent passing of a friend's mother. While everyone was quiet, my 4-year-old son decided to tell a "Yo Mama" joke to me. We were given disgusted looks, we were kicked out, and my friend still won't answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By REJECTED - 26/03/2016 19:42 - United States

Today, I asked my crush out. She said she already had a boyfriend. She turned around right in front of me and asked the guy sitting next to her to act like like her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 19:42 - United States - Medina

Today, I was planning on asking my crush out. I walked into the instrument room to ask her, and caught her making out with another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 19:27 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I went to visit my grandmother for the Easter holiday. When I showed up, my entire family was there sitting in a circle. Apparently they were going to have an intervention for my cocaine addiction. I've never touched a drug in my life, but my pathological liar of an uncle told them I did.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By NickySimpson - 26/03/2016 19:17 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I drove to my house to see kids throwing eggs and toilet paper at it. Only after I got out of my truck and asked them what the hell they were doing did they realize that they were egging the wrong one. One house to left to be exact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By nighttimeninja - 26/03/2016 19:10 - United States

Today, I've realized that, due to a sleep disorder that has me acting out most of my dreams, I'm more physically active while asleep than I am while I'm awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By newyorktola818 - 26/03/2016 19:09 - United States - Toledo

Today, my mom decides she wants to spontaneously go to New York for Easter and told me while I was at work. I have no key, no change of clothes, no where to stay, and have to work for the rest of the weekend. Thanks mom Happy Easter I guess.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By stupidcat - 26/03/2016 19:02 - United States

Today, I moved the catbox in my bathroom three feet to the left. My cat decided that was a good enough reason to shit on my work pants I had set on the sink counter. They were the only clean pair.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By ErisDarthy - 26/03/2016 19:01 - United States - Blacklick

Today, I got in an argument with my elder sister at work. Everyone loves her, so not only am I fired but she was my ride home. I'm suck here for 6 hours till a co-worker can take me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anon - 26/03/2016 18:57 - United States - Stamford

Today, I learned that my girlfriend refers to both me and her dog by the same pet name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 18:49 - United States - Meriden

Today, I was ranting loudly to my boyfriend about how the paint on my parents' front door has peeled in the shape of a dick. I then turned around and saw my dad chuckling awkwardly. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 18:48 - United States - Howell

Today, I found a great dress for my daughter's wedding. I almost bought it, but sent her a picture first. Her reply? "Are you going to crimp your hair and have a wand too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By thewoman - 26/03/2016 18:42 - United States - Columbus

Today, I finally agreed to sex with my fiancé while I was on my period after his persistent asking. Two minutes in, he pulls out and starts gagging saying he smelled the blood and can't continue. I now have cramps and a man that is freaked out by normal female bodily functions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By FuckMyLife - 26/03/2016 18:38 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, is the day of my Easter supper, which I have family coming from hours away to visit. Today is also the day I have crippling period cramps, food poisoning from some sushi, and diarrhea as a side effect from my pills I'm taking. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Leobb16 - 26/03/2016 18:31 - United States - Bowie

Today, I was joking around with my grandfather about being adopted when he said, "Don't worry, you can't be adopted. That means someone would have to choose you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By HeyBaeItsCae - 26/03/2016 18:10 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I caught my little sister pouring the leftover milk from her cereal back into the milk carton. When I confronted her about it, she honestly thought that she was being environmentally friendly and "not being wasteful". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

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The Top

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 385

You deserved it 2 555

Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine produced in the year I was born. The wine tastes foul; not a good omen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 419

You deserved it 2 964

Today, my husband and I were lovingly holding hands on the couch. I'm not typically a cuddler, but I went with it… until he sneezed into his hands. This would of been fine, if my hand wasn't still coupled with his. His laugh suggested harmless fun. My drenched hand suggested murder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 176

Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 849

You deserved it 1 459

Today, while hiking, I walked face first into a spider web. Freaking out, I shook my hair out in case there was a spider. Later on in the day the spider fell from my hair into my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 964

You deserved it 1 170

Today, my boyfriend wrote me poetry. Here's how it went: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your tits." That's the most romantic thing he's done for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 438

You deserved it 478