Nearly FML

By cashier number 4 please - 27/03/2016 21:50 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I was forced to go paint balling with my coworkers. The parts of my body not covered in bruises from paintballs now ache from running whilst wearing over 15lbs of body armour and equipment. And instead of becoming friends we took the game too seriously and now hate each other FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By thislevelofidiocy - 27/03/2016 21:48 - United States

Today, I had to very slowly explain to my roommate that a female will not grow a penis if she takes testosterone supplements. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By jacksonch2607 - 27/03/2016 21:47 - United States - Garland

Today, I was talking with my friend in a classroom. He had an idea to hide a random kids diet coke 2 seats behind the original seat. When the kid came back and saw his diet coke missing he looked at me immediately, because I'm the closest to his desk. He then proceeded to choke me. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By not just blood on the cross... - 27/03/2016 21:44 - United States - Burlington

Today, the only thing I got for Easter was my period. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By kkilburn - 27/03/2016 21:42 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I withdrew £250 from the ATM and put it in my purse I now can't find my purse anywhere. That money was for my 18 month old daughters childcare FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By lealiaz - 27/03/2016 21:32 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend had told a few of my colleagues I was addicted to heroin so at work I had an allergic reaction and had to go into a closet to use my epi-pen but someone saw me and called the police thinking it was drugs I was fired and my life is in tatters. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 2

By sex - 27/03/2016 21:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom was looking through my room for some old clothes and is now convinced I'm having unprotected sex because she didn't find any condoms. She won't let me leave the house or do anything until I tell her the name of the girl I'm "having sex with" so she can talk to her parents. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By TheLostCauseFML - 27/03/2016 21:16 - United States - Blum

Today, I have no job, no car or a license and no love life or friends. I live with my Mom, Step dad and two uncles. My 15 year old nephew just got his license and a brand new truck. I just turned 30. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 21:04 - Netherlands - Gouda

Today, i figured out that that little shit of a brother messed with my application form to one of the top 25 Technical-Universities worldwide. So now, just to name an example, i don't speak 6 languages, but last 30 min in bed. Guess i can kiss that study goodbye. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 20:26 - United States - Silver Springs

Today, I've allowed a roommate to move in based on recommendations from mutual friends. She's a drunk and drank every bottle in my wine rack and I hide in my room to get away from her. FML.

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By fml16 - 27/03/2016 20:17 - United States

Today, I just recently got back with an ex. Just for my friend, the guy I love, to confess his love for me. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 20:15 - United States - Layton

Today, I was thankful there were no baby blessings during the church service I attended since I am unable to have children. Instead, 2 pregnant women, and a 3rd woman with an infant all sat down next to me. FML.

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By lVluse - 27/03/2016 20:06 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mother bought a new car, and decided it was best to give her old $30,000 BMW to my 18 year old brother, who has already crashed three cars, gotten over 10 tickets, and a DUI. I'm still driving the $1000 car I bought for myself in high school. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 19:57 - United States - Orlando

Today, I had yet another wet dream about the ex who lied to me, cheated, and made me unhappy for a good 2 years of my life. I guess my vagina doesn't care. FML.

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By fuckinqbullshit - 27/03/2016 19:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my best friend got into an argument with me claiming that your pee comes out of the clitoris. FML.

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 1

By Testing1234 - 27/03/2016 19:46 - United States - Ontario

Today, my now ex-girlfriend broke up with me out of nowhere. Why? She dreamt that I cheated on her and she took it as a "sign." FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By sadlife - 27/03/2016 19:39 - United States - Ambler

Today, after spending the night in a video call with my girlfriend, I woke up to find her and her dad having a full blown make-out session on camera. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By BananaLand - 27/03/2016 19:30 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I was walking around with my girlfriend of one year this random girl I have never seen before came up to me, slapped me in the face, and called me a cheating asshole. Then my girlfriend proceeded to slap me again, and break up with me. I'm still trying to explain to tell her its not true. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By friendlyfailure - 27/03/2016 19:26 - United States - Escondido

Today, While still inside me the guy I was hooking up with said that he "didn't want to marry me, but wanted me to commit to only him" FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 19:23 - United States - South Richmond Hill

Today I had a big date. I woke up with the biggest headache of my life, puked like six times and got 4 nosebleeds out of nowhere. I was in no fit state to do anything. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By turtle - 27/03/2016 19:20 - United States - Riverton

Today, my turtle escaped it's cage and somehow went through the dog door into the street. Goodbye turtle. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By William j - 27/03/2016 19:14 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I decided to buy my wife flowers for Easter. So I headed to the grocery store with my 7 year old son, and bought some roses. When I gave the flowers to my wife, my son shouted "Look mommy, we found the cheapest flowers in the whole store! What a bargain!"

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By LetsGetFreaky - 27/03/2016 19:13 - United States - Washington

Today, on Easter my mom gave each of my 3 silblings 25 dollars. To bad we can't keep it because one of my other silblings stole a $10 from her wallet and she wants her 25 back FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By randilove77 - 27/03/2016 19:13 - United States - Walkerton

Today, I was at the mall and there was a really hot guy there who kept smiling at me and suddenly he looked scared and turned away apparently my older brother came up behind me and stared at him. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By randilove77 - 27/03/2016 19:07 - United States - Walkerton

Today, my crush shook my hand and my older sister was there and she smacked his and away and said no. Apparently I'm to young to shake guys hands. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By TyrantOverSeer - 27/03/2016 18:54 - United States

Today, I had to hook my phone up to a projector in front of my class, and go to Google... Redtube was in my browser history,FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By bloody embarrassment - 27/03/2016 18:53 - United States - Monomoy Island

Today, my boyfriend was about to finger me for the first time, I was so in the moment that I forgot to tell him I'm on my period. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 18:52 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my mom peed and didn't wash her hands. I know because she kept the door open and initiated a conversation with me. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Bloody and shitty - 27/03/2016 18:49 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I ran out of toilet paper while using the shitter. I didn't want to have to use my socks, so I had to use the only other thing in the bathroom; my sisters used pads. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 1

By NotRen - 27/03/2016 18:36 - United States - Portland

Today, I told my math teacher about how I would like to be a high school math teacher too. He then looked at me and said "I highly recommend you to rethink that." FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

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Today, I tried a new productivity hack of setting multiple alarms to remind me of tasks. Instead, I spent the entire day in a cacophony of alarms, confusing myself to the point where I forgot what I was actually supposed to be doing. FML

agreeclassic 202

vote type 1 574

Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML

agreeclassic 70 581

vote type 1 4 571

Today, my friend beat me at a video game. He got smug, so I made an "I fucked your mom" style joke. Yeah, kina forgot for a minute that his mom died last year. FML

agreeclassic 203

vote type 1 1 294

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

agreeclassic 41 872

vote type 1 6 594

Today, I was on a cruise and fell asleep next to the pool. I had an intense dream that I had fallen off into the ocean. I rolled off my sun chair into the water and woke up screaming uncontrollably, I thought I was in the ocean. I was in the kiddy pool. FML

agreeclassic 59 273

vote type 1 13 309

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

agreeclassic 25 650

vote type 1 52 470