Nearly FML

By holly_fly - 10/04/2016 16:42 - United States - Houston

Today, my little brother stole $200 of "free money" out of my room. FML

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By sj - 10/04/2016 16:30 - United States - Clemmons

Today, I finally got the house clean. I had tidied everything up over the course of a week, and today I swept, mopped, and vacuumed all over the house. An hour later, there were dirty old candy wrappers strewn everywhere. My cat just finds them out in the neighborhood and hoards them. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 0

By Kotlopou - 10/04/2016 16:25 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I realised what the weird high-pitched noise I kept hearing was. There is a squirrel-repelling noise generator on half the cars in this town. I am the only one who hears it and nobody believes me. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By PhoenixChick - 10/04/2016 16:24 - United States - Champaign

Today, I realized that the hard part wasn't getting a job after months of looking. It isn't even going back to work after being a housewife for years. It's my anxiety disorder ramping up to 2-4 panic attacks a day. I can't eat, sleep, or stop puking when I'm NOT at work. FML.

agreeclassic 3

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By ScratchCatPower - 10/04/2016 15:44 - United States - Trumbull

Today, I separated my two parakeets, as the older one lost many feathers due to fighting with the younger one. The younger one started freaking out in her new cage, got diarrhea, and died after a few hours. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Me - 10/04/2016 15:38 - Norway - Lillehammer

Today, my roommate and I are both sick. She's melting hot, and need the window to be open, I'm freezing cold and need it closed with the heater on. No compromise will benefit both of us. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Pewds - 10/04/2016 15:35 - United States - Denver

Today, I went to the Human Society and adopted a cat. That night the little guy climbed into my bed and fell asleep. Thinking it was cute I went to pet him only to find he was a she and she was pregnant. I thought the cat was just really fat. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Skymuchies - 10/04/2016 15:26 - United States - Berkshire

Today, I went to Walmart and I needed to use the restroom. I was bout to go into the ladies restroom when a guy stopped me and told me i couldnt go in there. He thought I was a guy. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 0

By minilinds - 10/04/2016 15:18 - United States - Cedar Springs

Today, my 14-year-old sister crapped her pants. This isn't the first time it's happened recently. She somehow managed to get it all over the bathroom floor, inside and outside of the toilet, and all over the shower. My mom isn't home and won't be for hours, leaving me to deal with it. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By mh_2323 - 10/04/2016 14:55 - United States - Troutville

Today, I was running with my German Shepard. Some kid ran directly in front of him, attempting to pet him. I didn't notice the kid until the last second, and my dog doesn't stop unless I do. He plowed straight through the kid, and now the kid's mom is threatening to sue. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 0

By LordStarkVI - 10/04/2016 14:36 - Turkey

Today, I was roaming around in my father's office. When I opened the bathroom door , I saw one of his co-worker masturbating. To a picture of me. I am a 15 year old guy. FML.

agreeclassic 4

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By avenged182fold - 10/04/2016 14:34 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was driving to a restaurant to get breakfast on my day off, when my boss called. Guess who didn't get breakfast or a day off. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By musoboy - 10/04/2016 14:28 - Australia - Drummoyne

Today, coming home after dark, I got a nice surprise in my driveway. Not only did I faceplant the spider web that my hand in front had somehow missed, but I collected the resident spider squarely in my eye then spent the next 20 minutes fishing it out of eyelid. Next time I'm using the torch. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Greg - 10/04/2016 14:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, that would be wonderful news if i hadn't been deployed for the past year FML

agreeclassic 4

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By GingerSnap98 - 10/04/2016 14:08 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my boyfriend and I got in our first fight. I eventually fell asleep only to dream that we were still fighting. I can't even escape in my dreams. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By The Idiot - 10/04/2016 13:03 - Denmark - Kors?r

Today, I walked into a bar after work wearing a bag covered in LGBT symbols (I am not gay though). The cutest guy walks towards me smiling, sees the bag and walk away again. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By FML - 10/04/2016 12:50 - United States - Fort Washington

Today, I found out that that my parents named me Donald because they wanted to call me Don. This wouldn't be so bad if our last name was Key. My name is Don Key... Donkey. FML

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

By ozil - 10/04/2016 12:44 - United States - Orlando

Today, there is this one kid I have to pick up for school that lives about 45 minutes away. By the time we got to his neighborhood, he told us that don't pick him up again. A week later comes and I get a complaint from the mom for not picking him up. I got fired. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By wheelie_bad_name - 10/04/2016 12:42 - France - Toulouse

Today I am about to introduce the woman I love to the French side of my family. She is a lovely single mum with a three year old daughter , named her after her favorite star dancer in a reality show. I haven't had the heart yet to tell her that the quite unusual name is French slang for...bike. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 10/04/2016 12:31 - United Kingdom - Greenford

Today, a girl in my class asked to use the scissors in my pencil case - the same scissors I had used the night before to trim my pubes, which my mum put into my pencil case while cleaning. She found a stray pube, said 'look, an eyelash!' and made a wish. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Mom - 10/04/2016 11:50 - United States - Newtown

Today, I had to work a 13 hour shift at work. I asked my boyfriend to do two very easy chores while I was gone. When I came home neither of the chores were done and he was gaming on his computer. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By That idiot - 10/04/2016 11:47 - United Kingdom - Carmarthen

Today, I found out my now ex best friend is the insane girl whose been stalking my brother for the better part of three years after I found her in the bushes outside my house, staring into my brother's room while masturbating. I had no idea and tried to set them up! FML

agreeclassic 4

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By Anonymous - 10/04/2016 11:22 - Austria

Today, I worked as Hostess and was told there'll be no "important" guest expected. A man shouted at me for not knowing his name and therefore not letting him in. Found out that he is the president of the organisation that hosted the event. FML

agreeclassic 3

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By sophiacantora - 10/04/2016 10:53 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, i was watching tv when my 5-month old kitten came up to me and started purring while rubbing himself on me. after a good 10 minutes i felt something weird poking my arm. it was then i realized he was dry humping me. FML.

agreeclassic 3

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By jfdksla - 10/04/2016 10:52 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I am filing a police report. After 8 months of waiting, I found out the radio programme I took part in never actually existed. Turns out the guy 'producing' it wanted a reason to spend time with me and record my voice. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By anonymous - 10/04/2016 10:51 - Australia - Fairfield

Today, I went over to my in-laws house for dinner with my wife. When we arrived, my in-laws and their friends were butt-naked. My wife didn't tell me she had organised an orgy for senior citizens and us. I'm hiding in the bathroom right now typing this. Does anyone know a divorce lawyer? -FML

agreeclassic 5

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By Garnetshaddow - 10/04/2016 09:50 - United States - Boulder

Today, I have insomnia. This makes me angry... making it even more difficult to sleep. I'm too tired to do anything useful and too annoyed to get any rest. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By indie hippy - 10/04/2016 08:52 - Australia - Melbourne

Today was my second last day in mental rehabilitation centre for depression and anxiety , now the nurses and doctors don't want to discharge me because within half an hour my abusive boyfriend pushed me back to square one. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 10/04/2016 08:43 - United States - Maxton

Today, a friend and I were discussing Game Of Thrones. I said that all the incest on the show was gross and unrealistic. My friend then looked me dead in the eye and said, "I don't see how it's unrealistic, my sister used to give me handjobs all the time". FML

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

By Diseased - 10/04/2016 08:39 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today my ex messaged me 3 months after dumping me. Thinking she missed me wanted to tell me she made a terrible mistake, she told me she has genital warts, and blamed me for giving them to her. FML

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

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Top

Today, I have six exams next week, and as of this morning, I also have appendicitis. FML

agreeclassic 997

vote type 1 74

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

agreeclassic 2 074

vote type 1 189

Today, after being told numerous times how sexist the East Coast is, I went ahead with my East Coast grad school architecture interview. The first thing out of the interviewer's mouth was, "Are you sure you don't want to do interior architecture?" FML

agreeclassic 23 090

vote type 1 3 016

Today, I was walking to a job interview. I needed to get rid of some gum but there were no trash cans in sight, so I spat it out on the ground. Next thing I know, some guy grabs me, sticks the gum in my hair, and walks off, muttering curses. I couldn't get it out in time for the interview. FML

agreeclassic 22 706

vote type 1 51 501

Today, I fell down the stairs and landed heavily on my foot. Because I wasn't crying, my mom refused to take me to the hospital. It took me an hour of agony to convince her. It turned out to be broken in three different places. FML

agreeclassic 30 388

vote type 1 1 792

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

agreeclassic 43 282

vote type 1 4 849