Nearly FML

By JohnnyTurner - 11/04/2016 05:02 - United States - Celina

Today, I was texting my crush, she started telling me that she wanted to have sex "all night long", unfortunately what she doesn't know is that my stamina is in the 3-5 minute range. FML

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vote type 1 1

By maalmawr - 11/04/2016 04:58 - United States - Lincoln Park

Today, my friend was telling me about how he lost his virginity the other night, only to find out my ultra religious dad was behind us listening to the whole story. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Wuuuut - 11/04/2016 04:57 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I came home from work to find my neighbors gawking at my dad, in his underpants, on my roof, he lives in Pennsylvania and I'm in Texas.. I'm still wondering how the hell this even happened. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By TheStuggleIsReal - 11/04/2016 04:09 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, after spending weeks searching for a horrible smell. I finally got so desperate that I cut a hole in my wall to further my search. There wasn't an animal, but there was an ant colony. Now I've got an ant colony, a hole in my wall, and I still haven't found the smell.FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 11/04/2016 04:05 - United States - Papillion

Today, while having sex with my husband, my body randomly rejected him, and nothing we did could get me going again. He leaves for deployment in a few hours.... FML.

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

By GameOps - 11/04/2016 04:01 - United States - Irving

Today, my dad shouted at me in an argument "This is why we gave you up!" Apparently my biological parents put me up for adoption because they didn't want me, and then feeling bad later, adopted me back because their second child, (a girl, like they wanted originally) was a miscarriage. FML

agreeclassic 6

vote type 1 2

By courtsendt16 - 11/04/2016 03:56 - United States - Dubuque

Today, I came home from a week long vacation, in which I wasn't able to use my phone. Apon arriving home, I ran into my house to apologize to those who texted or called me while I was gone.. Only to find 0 missed calls & texts. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By User Not Found - 11/04/2016 03:55 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I realized my walls were so thin, I could hear my parents having sex. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Swandive235 - 11/04/2016 03:42 - United States - Denver

Today, I figured out the acne treatment I use works, but also makes my facial grow out in very weird patches rapidly. I discovered this when I went to school really sleepy and discovered a patch of beard only on my right cheek. No wonder I was getting stares. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By im a model - 11/04/2016 03:04 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling good about myself, so I put on some makeup and cute dress and went shopping. I guess I looked pretty good, because while I was out, a little girl smiled at me and asked her mom if I was "one of those fat models". FML

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

By AllyK_shawol - 11/04/2016 03:02 - United States

Today, i came down with a stomach sickness which causes giant amounts of sudden diarrhea several times a day. Yesterday, the city turned off the water because of a pipe break and so i cannot flush the toilet. Guess who's stuck with a full toilet until the water is turned back on. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Thelostwillow - 11/04/2016 02:53 - United States - Leonardtown

Today, I had a panic attack because I couldn't find my keys, I searched for hours. I found them on my desk. In plain sight. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By BolttheSuperdog - 11/04/2016 02:52 - United States

Today, I drank my favorite beverage, fermented apple cider. It wasn't until I drank an entire glass of it that I realized the bottle was full of mold. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By drake - 11/04/2016 02:45

Today, I told on my sister for sending nudes to her bf, later that day I left my phone on the kitchen table with messages of me and my gf sexting. Next thing you know, my mom calls me in her room. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 4

By lexluither3365 - 11/04/2016 02:40 - United States - Lockport

Today, me and my brother went to the store. I saw this really cute guy and I told my brother I thought the dude was cute. He decides to be funny, point at him and yell, "WHO HIM?!?!?" FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By I had to clean it up like always - 11/04/2016 02:37 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my 2-year old sister walked up to me, looked at me straight in the eyes, and peed on the carpet. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By welluhh - 11/04/2016 02:28 - United States - Roswell

Today, was my birthday and my boyfriend couldn't afford to buy me a present so he died his hair my favorite color as a substitute. This would be really sweet if I hadn't planned on breaking up with him.FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 11/04/2016 02:19 - United States - El Paso

Today, after years of being single, I finally told my crush over text that I liked him. Not a moment later did his best friend do the same towards me. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By moi - 11/04/2016 02:12 - New Zealand

Today, in a heated argument, I finally confessed to my mother about how miserable she makes me, and how I've now been seeing a councillor because of it. She laughed. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Emperor_416 - 11/04/2016 02:06 - United States - Bensalem

Today, I had sex for the first time. I learned many things, including: outdoor sex isn't very fun in the cold, it is entirely possible to last "too long", condoms break easier than the bonds of friendship, and nothing gets me off as fast as my right hand. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By diamla - 11/04/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I received a text from my mom that was presumably supposed to be sent to one of her friends. This is the seventh time it's happened. So far I've discovered that my father has erectile dysfunction, and that my mom lies about going to work on Tuesday afternoons so that she can smoke pot. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By jtmoney87 - 11/04/2016 02:02 - United States - Moncks Corner

Today, after finally starting to feel better 3 years of recovery from a lumbar spinal fusion, I found out I need 2 cervical neck fusions. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Annoyedgirl - 11/04/2016 01:58 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my mom yelled at me for 2 hours. Why? Because I forgot to tell her that I was going to my friend's house for an hour. I had told her about 10 times that morning. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By anonymous - 11/04/2016 01:55 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my 'friends' made group plans without me yet again. They claim that they thought that I was busy and shouldn't be bothered. Strange, considering that I told them that I had no plans for the next couple weeks. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By ajloke - 11/04/2016 01:51 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I woke up from the fifth night in a row where I've dreamt that I'm at work in a call centre. I left the job last week because it was too repetitive. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 11/04/2016 01:48 - United States - Marietta

Today, I woke up with a hangover from my night at prom, was fired from my job, stepped in dog shit, and found out my friend had sex with the girl I'm in love with while I was passed out, FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By animalsarelife - 11/04/2016 01:47 - United States - Springdale

Today, I figured out that if I eat enough sugar I can't remember what happened. I ended up eating a lot of sugar last night at prom and no one will tell me what I did just that I'm "crazy for pulling a stunt like that" and I have a week of detention. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By SoakedinFishFeces - 11/04/2016 01:29 - United States - Seattle

Today I was leaning over the touch tanks at my local aquarium, while the man next to me held his young daughter by her feet as she lay on her stomach to look in. Suddenly, the girl's shoes slipped off and she fell into the tank face first, making a huge splash and drenching us both in sea water. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By TheYoshiMan - 11/04/2016 01:25 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I was at my job at a gay bar. A couple of guys came in holding hands and a straight guy came to the bar and yelled at me they were "shoving it in peoples' faces." When I politely informed him he was in an LGBT place, I got punched because it was "my job" to inform him when he came in. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By kill me - 11/04/2016 01:13 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I realized that my history teacher assigned an entire chapter's worth of homework over spring break. Tomorrow's Monday. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 2

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Top

Today, it's been 10 days since my family and I have been visiting France. I've always wanted to try their culinary specialties but my dad says we "can't trust them". We've eaten at McDonald's 9/10 times. FML

agreeclassic 48 371

vote type 1 4 020

Today, I walked into work feeling confident in my new outfit. It wasn’t until lunchtime that a colleague pointed out the price tag hanging from my skirt. I’d been flaunting my ass's price all morning. FML

agreeclassic 210

vote type 1 368

Today, despite being the first to hold all my other grandchildren, despite my son and bitch of a daughter-in-law agreeing I would be the first, I showed up at the hospital to see my daughter-in-law's father holding my grandchild before me. FML

agreeclassic 72

vote type 1 2 534

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

agreeclassic 30 675

vote type 1 7 746

Today, I sat on my balls while at a restaurant. As I was wincing in pain and readjusting myself, my girlfriend came and sat on my lap. She landed directly on my nuts. After a minute or two, I stood up, only to rack myself once again on the corner of the table. FML

agreeclassic 35 797

vote type 1 5 494

Today, to get my coworker fired, I spiked his coffee with whiskey. Joke's on me, he's apparently enough of a drunk that it didn't affect him. Then I dropped the bottle as I was leaving for the day, cut up my ankle, and I'm now suspended. FML

agreeclassic 73

vote type 1 2 185