Nearly FML

By Anonymous - 14/04/2016 23:11 - Canada - Laval

Today, after putting on my new and fresh pair of ballet tights, my dog jumped on me with his muddy paws leaving me with paw marks all over them. I then put on my 2nd pair of tights and ripped them whilst putting them on, FML

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By nessi97 - 14/04/2016 22:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 4 year old told me that her other "mommy" told her I wasn't her real mommy and that she was. Guess I need to have a talk with my ex-husband.FML

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By CancerPatient - 14/04/2016 22:21 - Australia

Today, I found out I have cancer of the lungs, and mouth. I've smoked three cigarettes in my whole life. Meanwhile my friend has been a pack a day for the last 14 years and hasn't even got breathing difficulties. Good to know he'll make it to 50 though. FML

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By safetyinthrdark - 14/04/2016 22:04 - United States - New Florence

Today, after battling a severe cold for over a week, I was finally starting to feel better. I ran out of pain pills, and decided to raid my families medicine cabinet. Little did I know, my ailing grandfather liked to keep laxatives in a Tylenol bottle. I am posting from the toilet. FML.

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By pissed and broke - 14/04/2016 21:59 - United States - Palos Hills

Today, I learned Illinois might start taxing drivers $1.50 for every mile they drive. I did the math and that's almost $1,000 a week in taxes for me. My husband doesn't want to move out of the state. FML

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By xYour_Momx - 14/04/2016 21:33 - United States - Frisco

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's my sister called me and told me disturbing news. To sum it up, the neighborhood dog somehow has my dildo and is waving it around town. FML

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By ceberhar - 14/04/2016 21:16 - United States - Butler

Today, I attempted proposal number 2 to my girlfriend of 3 years. As I was finishing preparing dinner, the cat knocked the ring into the dog food bowl, and the dog ate it. To the vet I go, girlfriend beside me. FML

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By yeahhhh - 14/04/2016 21:16 - United States - Reno

Today I was at school and had a migraine as I was in my class I felt the need to vomit I ran to the hall to get to the bathroom but I ended up not making it and vomiting all over myself and the hallway. FML

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By ...are you kidding me? - 14/04/2016 21:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He didn't just break up with me over text, he broke up with me using an animated GIF. FML

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By Toastedsandwiche - 14/04/2016 21:08 - Ireland

Today, I went outside to check if my kitten was ok. I was just about to bring her in when my mother told me to wait another 10 minutes. Ten minutes later I walked out to find that my dog and eaten her. FML

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By HaveAGooday - 14/04/2016 20:51 - Canada - Stirling

Today, after a long day at work, after I came home, I decided to order pizza. After the delivery man came, I took the box into my kitchen so I could cut it and the whole pizza fell facedown on my cat. Let's just say I didn't get any pizza that night. FML

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By Battlebarney - 14/04/2016 20:46 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I realized how bad my acne was when I was popping pimples on my ballsack FML

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By kunai - 14/04/2016 20:42 - United States - Cokato

Today, a coworker asked how I was doing since my husband passed. He was less than 50 when he died . I confessed I was not doing well and that it is hard it is to lose someone with so much life to live. She then tells me a joke about dead husbands. she follows up the joke with, too soon? FML.

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By mokemokerose - 14/04/2016 20:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my sister asked me to read her a text while driving, that would have been fine, if not for the fact the message was from her boyfriend talking dirty. Now I'm scarred and need a counselor. FML

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By basicbitch69666 - 14/04/2016 20:38 - Canada - Botwood

Today,I was watching my friends play sports in gym, when my bed guy friend came over running and put me over his shoulder. His jeans fell down and he grabbed them and dropped me on the ground. He broke my collar bone. FML

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By sillybillikin - 14/04/2016 20:38 - United States - Grand Prairie

A recruiter contacted me about the perfect job on the East Coast. I confirmed the interview time in both time zones,mine and his,but he got on Skype an hour early. Now he won't return my calls. I think he thinks I'm the flake. FML.

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By 9times - 14/04/2016 20:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, Is the first day of my spring break. Today is also the first day of a really bad stomach virus, in which I vomited nine times. FML

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By anonymous - 14/04/2016 20:04 - United States - Wilsonville

Today, i clocked in at work to see one of my coworkers eating her lunch on her break. i cassually said to her; "your eating like your pregnant." to which she begins crying and telling me how she is trying to figure out how to tell her boyfriend. FML.

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By Anonymous - 14/04/2016 19:58 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I got yelled at for sitting in the back of the class. I was sitting in the back because my teacher moved my seat to the back. I'm done with school, I'm being yelled at for following directions. FML

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By microscoff - 14/04/2016 19:56 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my mother kicked me out of the house. Why? I "broke" the computer. How? By installing mandatory updates thereby "fucking everything up." FML.

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By ditchedbymom - 14/04/2016 19:46 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I am at school with severe chest pain due to an ulcer. I have medication but it won't start fixing the pain for a week but it will start giving me the side effect of very frequent and wet farts. No one will talk to me cause of the smell and I have to keep toilet paper in my ass crack. FML

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By feelsbadman - 14/04/2016 19:36 - Romania

Today, while working as a customer support agent, I was called by a blind person that was trying to access our website. After I told him where the log in section was, I asked him if he is able to SEE the login boxes. This was followed by 10 seconds of awkward silence and a cold "No, I'm blind.." FML

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By calee022 - 14/04/2016 19:26 - United States - Danbury

Today, I decided to take the day off to recover from my chemo. Looking forward to a nice long day in bed, when at 7:00 AM the city decides to send out a team of guys with chain saws and wood chippers to clear trees 30 feet from my bedroom window. FML.

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By Anonymous - 14/04/2016 19:18 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, my dad got mad at me because he did the dishes even though it's my job. He had started doing the dishes as I was doing homework and when I went to take his place, he got mad at me for not doing my homework. FML

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By MuyBonita22 - 14/04/2016 18:28 - United States - Columbus

Today, I managed to loose my parents credit card that had $3000 on it while I was at the store getting vegetables for tonight's dinner. Thankfully someone turned it in to lost and found, unfortunately only the person whose name is on the card can pick it up. FML

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By rissamarie - 14/04/2016 18:25 - United States - Wallingford

Today, my anxiety was so bad that, right before sharing my recitation of a speech from Macbeth with seven of my classmates, I blacked out. FML

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By Sadpregnantwoman - 14/04/2016 18:10 - United States - Houston

Today, I get told that no I am not having a miscarriage. The baby just might be in my tubes instead of the womb. FML

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By momostachio - 14/04/2016 18:10 - United States - Nineveh

Today, i got up to help my grandmother get confortable as shes in the hospital. i stepped in what i thought to be water that my sister had spilt, then felt something dripping on my foot. Come to find out the nurse left grannys cathedar open. My grandma was peeing on me. FML.

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By phuck_this - 14/04/2016 18:04

Today, I recieved a score back on our first test. I completely flunked it. Confused as to why I realized I spent all night studying the wrong chapter. FML

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By Ohnoezy - 14/04/2016 17:56 - United States - Edison

Today, I'm failing math due to a teacher who has dyslexia, and Constantly writes the wrong answer on the board, which the students always point out. So, i went to the tutor center for help. Good news, i have a tutor. Bad news, it's my math teacher. FML

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Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

agreeclassic 32 681

vote type 1 3 955

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

agreeclassic 28 001

vote type 1 1 743

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

agreeclassic 38 391

vote type 1 9 156

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

agreeclassic 56 113

vote type 1 7 275

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

agreeclassic 15 113

vote type 1 1 062

Today, I received my replacement debit card in the mail after losing my previous one. I've already lost my new one. FML

agreeclassic 12 726

vote type 1 30 231