Nearly FMLs

By toukakaneki - 13/04/2016 12:58 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I got woken up at 4:30 am, to the sound of someone making a lot of noise outside my door. I opened it to see my 45 year old father stuck in a pair of handcuffs begging for my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By cheeeksss - 13/04/2016 11:06 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my (ex) boyfriend decided to break up with me by simply stopping all forms of communication with me. He also knows that this is exactly how my previous ex-boyfriend broke up with me as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 10:57 - United Kingdom - Canterbury

Today, I discovered that I got my girlfriend pregnant from a handjob she gave me while we were both naked in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By JocelynKaulitz - 13/04/2016 10:52 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I dropped my phone. I tried to show off by peeling the shattered screen protector off and revealing an undamaged phone screen. That is until I dropped it again, revealing a freshly damaged phone screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

By kissless - 13/04/2016 10:50 - United States - Racine

Today, I realized something. I gave my first blowjob before my first kiss. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 2

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 10:41

Today my neighbours dogs attacked and killed my one-year-old cat. When I later confronted them, still in tears, they told me to calm down because "it's just a stupid cat" fml

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 10:23 - United States - Phoenix

So jokingly ask my bf if he'd cheat on me with my sister, he tells me "no way I'd cheat on you with her." Came home from a three week vacation and lo and behold he had cheated on me, but he was honest about not sleeping with my sister...it was my older brother FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 09:05 - United States - Duluth

Today our female cat, Mittens is pregnant. The only male cat to knock her up in the house is Mitten's brother. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By Sanosukeskitten - 13/04/2016 08:31 - United States - Bangor

Today, I was talking to a friend about birth and delivery. I had mentioned that I had my daughter at 26 weeks. Instead of the normal "Oh my gosh." I got the "That's when I aborted my baby." She still doesn't understand why I'm so upset with her, or why I broke down crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 08:30 - Australia

Today, I went night clubbing. I started talking to a good looking girl and got into a conversation about her boobs. I asked if they were fake and she told me to feel them for myself. Drunkenly, I went to feel them with the hand I had my drink in and spilt it down her white top. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

By TheRealStunts - 13/04/2016 08:27 - Romania - Constanta

Today, I'm at work and I have to take a shit. Apparently the water isn't running today in this part of town so they had to close the bathroom. I'm still going to be at work for another 9 hours with no bathroom anywhere nearby. Will probably turn to another post where i shit myself at work. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Nafz - 13/04/2016 08:15 - United Kingdom - Ilford

Today, I have an important appointment at an University open day. But I can barely walk, thanks to the guy who "accidentally" fly kicked me while playing football. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 07:36 - Canada - Edmonton

Today after going to the doctor because of chronic back pain my doctor told me that I have the back of a 60 year old. I'm not even 40. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 07:20 - United Kingdom - London

Today my I.B.S flared up. Five minutes into my hour long bus journey home through the countryside with no stops. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By w0w - 13/04/2016 07:19 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I decided to tell my crush (also one of my close friends) that I had feelings for her. The same day she came running to me, screaming that the guy she's had her eye on made out with her. I asked her sexuality, and she replied with "Straight as fuck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By fandomoftheopera - 13/04/2016 06:59 - United States - Dallas

Today, while working in the Day Camp at PetSmart, I witnessed a dog killed by another dog under my watch. I did the best I could to stop the attack and ran the wounded dog to the vet as fast as I could. I had to quit my job because of flashbacks and nightmares of the poor dog's death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Embarrassed_in_FL - 13/04/2016 06:34 - United States - Redding

Today, still a bit broken hearted from a previous bad breakup, I went home from the bar with a guy I've known for a few years. Things started heating up and I started to go down on him. I then started drunkenly crying on his package about missing my ex. I'm a terrible person. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 06:00 - United States - West Covina

Today, my grandma told me I had chocolate on my cheek. It wasn't chocolate, it's just my mole that I've always been self conscious about. Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened to me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Isleepnaked - 13/04/2016 05:49 - United States - Marshall

Today, my mom found out that I sleep naked, by pulling my covers off me to wake me up. I was in the middle of a steamy dream. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 0

By insuredbutnotapparently - 13/04/2016 05:20 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I wrecked my brand new car. That's not a problem because I have insurance. Well, it turns out that my last payment didn't go through in time, so the insurance said that I was uninsured during the wreck, so they won't pay for the $10,000 worth of damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By askullnamedbilly - 13/04/2016 05:14 - Germany - Hirzenhain

Today, I woke up with a fever, my period, the shits and a throat that feels like I gargled with a cactus covered in barbed wire. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By abbymarie19 - 13/04/2016 04:59 - United States - Fishers

Today, I am a 16 year old girl who is extremely athletic, I play varsity/elite soccer and varsity tennis & I lift weights as well. But I have one problem, I can't hold my pee. Today I was squatting 190 pounds and I peed all over myself and didn't even feel it. Everyone was laughing.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 04:58 - United States - Dekalb

Today, I discovered I pee myself when I orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By lone wanderer - 13/04/2016 04:56 - United States - Exton

Today, my mom asked me, her 16 year old son, to kick her alcoholic abusive boyfriend out of the house for her. After he blew up in my face about how we need him financially and that I'm a piece of shit, my mom denied ever asking me to make him leave. She then proceeded to take his side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Too Much Talking - 13/04/2016 04:22 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, me and my 3 asshole partners had to give a half hour presentation in our philosophy class. The other 3 assured me that they had their parts down at 7 minutes apiece. They were all done with their parts with 19 minutes to spare. Guess who went last?

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Why... - 13/04/2016 04:17 - Canada - Moose Jaw

Today, I found out the girlfriend I was dating is actually my distant cousin after being told by her mom. Why was this kept from me for a long time? Well it'll be painful knowing I'm 2 years into the relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By LovelyBird_23 - 13/04/2016 04:17 - United States

Today, I took my frist dump after being constipated for 3 weeks. It smelled so bad that the ordor engulfed the bathroom and the master bedroom. I am currently sitting outside, in the heat, waiting for the stench to go away.FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By mlia_usually - 13/04/2016 04:17 - United States - Greenway

Today, I was finally getting over my ex girlfriend, that is, until I walked in on her getting under my "best friend". Not only that, it was in my apartment... On my couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 03:59 - United States - Prineville

Today, while running on the treadmill at college, the "runs" hit me so I had to squeeze and go tell my teacher I was going home for the day. I almost didn't make the 45 min drive home. I got the runs while running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By No gift unpunished - 13/04/2016 03:31 - United States - Lexington

Today, I bought my girlfriend a mini electric scooter for short trips. Within LITERALLY 30 seconds she nearly crashed into an oncoming car because she couldn't figure out how to pull the damn brake and instead toppled over and fucked up her knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, my parents kept overreacting over stupid stuff during dinner. I found a hair in a dish, so I removed it myself. My mom goes, "Is that a hair? Is it?! I'll get rid of it!" I told her that I'd already done it myself. Then, because I bit my nail once, my dad constantly kept asking if I was OK, even though I'd said I was. He wouldn't stop! FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 227

Today, I was made fun of at work by my mom and my supervisor. I work at a kids' anti-bullying camp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 220

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 753

You deserved it 9 063

Today, I tried to get out of my boyfriend's car in an angered exit because he got a text from the woman he's been cheating on me with. I ended up tripping on my purse, falling out of the car and face-planting onto the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 100

You deserved it 7 490

Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methamphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58 year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 310

You deserved it 3 432

Today, my dad squirted water at me. Fortunately, I blocked it. Unfortunately, I blocked it with my new $200 camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 116

You deserved it 24 436