Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 12:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my friend. He says he found the cutest video ever. It was a snake eating a live puppy. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By unemployed - 18/04/2016 12:21 - United States - Irving

Today,I woke up with my head shaved (I have pretty long hair) and I have an interview in less than an hour. No barbers are open at this time, hoping half my head full of hair will score me the job.FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 12:16 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my good friend and I were at our local bar and we were both very drunk. She wanted to hook up, and I really like her and have for a long time but I told her we needed to wait until we were both sober and could remember it. she then punched me in the stomach and told me to "go fuck myself" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Kim - 18/04/2016 12:16 - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I missed an important test at school because I slept in. I didn't have to get up until 12:30 PM and I still managed to sleep in. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By cheating? who knows? - 18/04/2016 12:15 - United States - Clemmons

Today, I had slept with my ex girlfriend who promised me the night before she didn't have a boyfriend. She lied. She does have a boyfriend. Now they are trying to sue me for rape. She started the sex... Fml

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By stormyandlovey - 18/04/2016 12:03 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend's dad found out we are having sex. He gave us two options, either he tells my parents (who would literally kill us both) or I have to get a birth control shot. I'm deathly afraid of needles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By jw - 18/04/2016 12:01 - Germany - Berlin

Today, we woke up and found that our house has been burgled. They entered the house when we were sleeping, took two laptops, my wallet with all my credit cards and IDs, and as a cherry on top, they took the birthday present for my son. His birthday is today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By half truths - 18/04/2016 11:47 - United States - Woodway

Today, I finally texted the girl I like. I thought it went well till he said she prefers us stay friends. I panicked and told her I'm moving out of state. I have a class with her tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 11:46 - Croatia

Today, it's been two days since my breakup. I barely fell asleep yesterday, and today I'm still depressed. I broke up with my imaginary girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By anonymous - 18/04/2016 11:37 - United States - Mckinney

Today, I was going to ask my boyfriend to my company's annual banquet. Well, I walked up to him and he said "Kelley already asked me and I said yes" Kelley is my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 11:02 - United States - Idaho Falls

This weekend, after working 70 hours in 5 days, I mowed and trimmed the yard, did 5 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen three times, and made Sunday dinner. I was hoping to get a little action cause I haven't had sex for 3 months. Instead, I didn't even get a thank you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By blehbbleh - 18/04/2016 10:44 - United States - Vinton

Today, I found out my boyfriend hasn't even told his parents I'm pregnant yet, because he's scared they'll kill him. We're both over 21, and I'm already 32 weeks pregnant. This should be fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 0

By kaiamanson - 18/04/2016 09:11 - United States - San Antonio

Today, My girlfriend and I just moved into a new house, to get away from her psycho ex, as we're about intimate, I look outside the window and her ex is standing there staring at us. We haven't told him where we lived. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 0

By theundetected - 18/04/2016 08:07 - Mexico - Mexicali

Today, I was hanging with my friends and our girlfriends. My friends and I decided to have a competition on who can do the most clap pushups, i was first and by my 3rd one, i landed nose first and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By individual00 - 18/04/2016 08:01 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, both my best friend and my husband are in psych units and my parents are both on antidepressants. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so strong for dealing with all this. I'm currently sat on the kitchen floor sobbing. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By BTown - 18/04/2016 07:41 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I tried to use a cloth that was draped over my shoulder to swat a fly that landed on my knee. I ended up punching myself in the balls. Fml.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Asthmaticshitter - 18/04/2016 07:31 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, well yesterday, I went to the doctor for my incredibly bad asthma that causes coughing fits about every 10-20 minutes. They prescribed me steroids which give me the runs. I shit the sheets. Twice. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By newtoAtlanta - 18/04/2016 07:17 - United States - Canton

Today, my white 2 year old nephew saw a black man for the first time and easter just happened. He asked if "he can have the chocolate man" and the man heard. Said chocolate man, was no longer a happy man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By forever alone - 18/04/2016 07:10 - India - Kolkata

Today, my parents who were going bat shit crazy for the past 9 years about my boyfriend, finally agreed to let us get married. Also, my boyfriend broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By vampireteeth - 18/04/2016 06:57 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I gave my first blowjob to my boyfriend. I assumed the grunting noises he was making were a positive thing. Turns out, I cut his dick with my teeth and he was trying not to cry. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 06:52 - United States - Hutchinson

Today I was supposed to meet up with the perfect guy I met a week ago online. We had talked about being direct if there wasn't a connection and being honest. He stood me up. So did the last four. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By awkwardpizza - 18/04/2016 06:44 - United States - Farmington

Today, I recently had my first adult experience, going to the store alone after being moved out of my parents house. Today is also the day, I got a yeast infection and had to buy vaginal anti-itch cream....with the cashier ringing me up hitting on me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Doomed - 18/04/2016 06:44

Today marks a year of me living abroad. Today also marks a year since I had a fight with a friend, because he hates my boyfriend. This has also been a year of him overcompensating for that fight by obsessively, persistantly stalking me online. I have to go back this summer and I am very scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Bawsack - 18/04/2016 06:32 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, at work, a parent reported me for changing her kid 'too many times'. Just last week, she reported me for 'not changing him enough'. Last week, he was changed once, this week, twice. My boss legally has to pass on any complaints to the regulatory body. they suspended me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 06:26 - United States - Fremont

Today, the one thing that motivated me to even go outside was a grocery store sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By MissQ - 18/04/2016 06:21 - United States

Today, I was listening to a woman I'm interested in talk about her job in a laboratory, where she tests for a certain disease. Trying to flirt, I suggested maybe I should stop by some time to make sure I don't have it. It turns out what she tests for is a sexually transmitted sheep disease. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Herpenolovemore - 18/04/2016 06:21 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out my sister has been using my face razor for her pubes. She has Herpes, well i guess that explains the bumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By shinikageWolf - 18/04/2016 06:13 - United States - Hemet

Today, my normally unaffectionate cat came over to me, purring. I picked her up and placed her in my lap so I could give her some pets. She slid off my shorts, and dug her tiny, sharp claws all the way down, my legs now have thin, long cuts down them that won't stop bleeding. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By NotYourMaid - 18/04/2016 06:00 - United States - Powder Springs

Today, my boyfriend just finished yelling at me because he wants to keep playing his new video game and I'm apparently keeping him from doing that. I've been bringing him food, cleaning his mess, and waiting patiently when I need his attention for 4 straight days, FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Akuma2240 - 18/04/2016 05:54 - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to explain to my grandmother that my older cousin raped me several times when I was 8 years old and that I was too scared to tell her before and that that's why I don't want to go visit him and she said it was my fault for being a screw up and that she's happy he did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

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The Top

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 672

You deserved it 2 014

Today, while waiting in line to get my medication, a man who just got his prescription looked me up and down and said "Penis pills, right? Ya look like the type." Then he walked out as a couple of other guys in line started snickering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 769

You deserved it 1 817

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly or a mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it… only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 382

You deserved it 18 051

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 951

You deserved it 6 778

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 611

You deserved it 3 103

Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 617

You deserved it 71 926