Nearly FML

By dying...? - 21/04/2016 03:45 - United States - Irving

Today, I did a lab in my biology class where we made antibiotic resistant E. Coli. While doing the lab, I felt a stray hair in my mouth, so I reached in and grabbed it forgetting the bacteria I was handling. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 2

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 03:38 - United States - Irving

Today, I was getting my first tattoo and I was really nervous, considering I'm a big whimp. The illuminati symbol tattooed on his forehead should've been my first red flag. Halfway through the process, he told me to come back tomorrow because he was "too high to finish it." FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 2

By SecondTimesTheCharm - 21/04/2016 03:18 - United States - Ocoee

Today, I decided to preform a second circumcision of myself by accidently zipping up my fly on the tip of my penis, causing me to whimper in pain. Hours later, I still can't feel anything but agonizing pain down there. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 03:14 - United States - Cleveland

Today, while my boyfriend and I were fooling around upstairs, my brother walked in on us. although we were not 100% naked it seemed as though we were.. now I can't even look him in the eye. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By kingdomgirl94 - 21/04/2016 03:09 - Canada - Peterborough

Today, I posted on Facebook about the 20th anniversary of my mother's death. One of the first comments on my status was a 4/20 joke. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By coolred - 21/04/2016 02:53 - United States - Havertown

Today, while laying in bed about to take a nap, my niece layed next to me, she then coughed right in my face. When I woke up, my nose was stuffy,headache,and my throat was burning.FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By cheater - 21/04/2016 02:46 - United States - Alexandria

Today, my teacher assumed I had cheated on a test based only on the fact I got more than an 80%. The sad thing is she's right. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By ... - 21/04/2016 02:46 - United States - Henderson

Today, my son got into the 4-20 spirit by buying weed, using it, and then trying to sell it at school. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By That_Teenager_ - 21/04/2016 02:38 - United States - Hampshire

Today, I come to you live from the emergency room after getting smashed in the forehead by a baseball bat being swung at full speed. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Marioandretti123 - 21/04/2016 02:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I mistakenly brushed my teeth with hydrocortisone cream. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Paul - 21/04/2016 02:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a day off of school in order to work on an essay. I worked for 12 hours consecutively, slaving over it until my brain could no longer process information. Turns out I was writing a paper for the wrong thing the whole time. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By KreAtor_O - 21/04/2016 02:23 - United States

Today, at work my manager had the audacity to tell me God made me Gay as a challenge to overcome, this is coming from a Mormon that Smokes, Swears like a sailor, and had a baby out of wedlock... FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 02:19 - Brazil - Alagoinhas

Today, my husband is a cop working in a city 2 hrs away 6 days a week, completely at the mercy of the gov't. He comes home 1 day a week. We have a 3-month old baby who decided that after a night of little sleep last night, she is gonna wake up every half hour tonight. I'm alone to wake with her. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 02:18 - United States - Lubbock

Today, while I was listening to my teacher give our whole class a spiel about why we should give blood and how important it is, I worked myself up so much with my fear of needles that I ended up passing out in front of the whole class. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Annonymous - 21/04/2016 02:17 - United States

Today, I checked my bank account to see that it was emptied, when I told my family, my mom told me that my younger brother used all the money at Universal Studios, California. I need a new computer for school and that was my savings account for it. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By cobldude - 21/04/2016 02:11 - United States - Irvine

Today, I found out that the ironic thing about stealing hot Cheetos from a friend is that they will literally catch you red-handed. So much for that. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By VictoriaT519 - 21/04/2016 01:57 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband decided to get drunk and buy $1,000 worth of car parts. When I found out, I furiously asked him why he thought that was a good idea. His response? To vomit all over my shoes. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By it___happens - 21/04/2016 01:55 - United States - Bothell

Today, I was with my boyfriends mom and she was going through her old jewelry. She told me she was going to sell her divorced husbands wedding ring and I go "oh that's really pretty!" Right in front of her current husband. Then it got really awkward. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By ow - 21/04/2016 01:50 - United States - Bronx

Today, after a long fight with my mom, about an hour later I decided to be the one to try to end it and went downstairs to give her a hug. Her reaction? "Get your fucking hands off me you little prick." I don't think she deserves my hug anymore. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By iloveleolion - 21/04/2016 01:46 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter, and made a gift bag for him. When I was leaving the house to drop it off at work for him, a bee flew in my car- I hit the gas instead of break by accident- and hit his brothers truck..FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Bleiz - 21/04/2016 01:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I wished my friend a happy birthday and proceeded to notify him that he shared a birthday with Adolf Hitler. He punched me in the gut... I forgot he was Jewish. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 2

By nonotlikethat - 21/04/2016 01:29 - United States - Conway

Today, I asked a rather overweight little girl at the restaurant I work at if she had gotten enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure about that?" meaning that the food was really good. I didn't realize how it sounded until her and her equally chubby mom were both glaring at me. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 2

By dangitcar - 21/04/2016 01:24 - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I've had my new convertible for 2 days. I dropped the top down and heard a small pop, so I brought it back up. Guess who has to spend an extra $750 to replace the back window? FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 01:23 - United States - Bronx

Today, my art grade went up and then down ; Up 3 points for getting a 100 on an assignment Down 46 points for getting an assignment in two-days late. I don't understand how school works anymore. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By SadGirl - 21/04/2016 01:19 - United States - Blacklick

Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be friends anymore Bc I was "to dramatic" she was sleeping with my father for 9 years.... And my god son is my little brother FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By anonymous - 21/04/2016 01:15 - United States - Wenatchee

Today, my best friend and I were discussing our plans for families in the future and I asked her to be my future child's godparent. She agreed, then proceeded to let me know that she didn't want me to ever meet her kids, because she wanted them to grow up without the influence of such a loser.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Roomie pay rent plz - 21/04/2016 01:06 - United States - Nanuet

Today, my roommate's shopping addiction reached a whole new level. He bought a box of tampons just because they were 40% off. Yes, he. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By CreeptacularBait - 21/04/2016 01:06 - United States - Reston

Today, while I was cooking dinner, my boyfriend came home and said he might have colon cancer. It's ok though, cause "Now you don't have to devote 20 years to a relationship and find out later!" FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Well I am fucked - 21/04/2016 01:05 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I got 102 fever. I went home and slept for 3 hours. I got up and the first thing my mom said to me was, "Do your fucking homework. You have hockey tonight and you are going to it" I threw up 5 times at hockey. She then proceeded to call me a pussy. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By caseyo - 21/04/2016 01:02 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I pulled my credit report for the first time. Turns out there were three fraudulent hits, one of them being a credit card maxed out at 10k. Who is the identity thief? My own mother.

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 1

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Today, I assisted my first customer at my first job as a Target cashier. When I rang up this lady's items and gave her the total, not only did she hiss at me and spit in my face, but she also dragged my manager over and demanded that he fire me. He did. FML

agreeclassic 4 487

vote type 1 322

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

agreeclassic 1 500

vote type 1 306

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

agreeclassic 32 894

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Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

agreeclassic 48 580

vote type 1 4 554

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

agreeclassic 41 460

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Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

agreeclassic 3 639

vote type 1 578