Nearly FML

By Anonymous - 27/04/2016 03:38 - United States

Today, I asked a pretty girl on a movie date with my friend and his girlfriend. We barely talked and she put her hand out and my awkward self tried to give her popcorn. She was trying to get me to hold her hand.

agreeclassic 100

vote type 1 23

By Birdieofprey - 27/04/2016 03:36 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at work, I discovered that not only do our customers eat in our restrooms, but also smoke weed in there. I had to clean the remains off the toilet seat. FML.

agreeclassic 80

vote type 1 11

By Needs mature friends - 27/04/2016 03:29 - United States - Kansas City

Today, My best friend threw a temper tantrum at the age of 25 and now won't speak to me. Why? Because she asked who would I save, her or my 2 year old son from a cliff. I said my son. FML

agreeclassic 105

vote type 1 9

By burnbabyburn - 27/04/2016 03:25 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it was my birthday. The only ones to sing me "happy birthday" were the fire department. FML.

agreeclassic 79

vote type 1 8

By 5 seconds - 27/04/2016 03:17 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, everyone in my class was playing a prank on my teacher by having their phones go off. He stated that he will confiscate the next phone that goes off and won't give it back until next week. My friend dared me to take it off silent for 5 seconds. Guess whose mom called within a second. FML

agreeclassic 81

vote type 1 30

By FirstDateIdeas - 27/04/2016 03:14 - United States - Concord

Today, I had my first date with the guy I like. We were cuddling and I opened the Internet on my phone to search a recipe. Much to my alarm I realized that I had forgot to close the page of my most recent search. He had a clear view of the screen saying "can you poop with a tampon in?". FML.

agreeclassic 73

vote type 1 15

By lifewithaveteran - 27/04/2016 03:14 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was having a panic attack and my service dog cares more about the Mouse running across the floor then calming me down. Fml

agreeclassic 87

vote type 1 10

By that1guy - 27/04/2016 03:06 - United States - Salisbury

Today, we have six people living in a two bedroom apartment. This is going to last for 3 months. FML

agreeclassic 69

vote type 1 6

By CastBoundPit - 27/04/2016 03:04 - United States - Arlington

Today, my passport arrived in the mail today. They got my birthday wrong. I scavenged for my birth certificate that I sent with it. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years.

agreeclassic 121

vote type 1 7

By Anonymous - 27/04/2016 02:55 - United States - Antioch

Today, I was playing Would You Rather with my boyfriend and his best friend. His friend brought up the question to my boyfriend : "Would you rather fuck Amy (me) or Scarlet (my sister)?" my boyfriend laughed, said "that's easy," and promptly went with my sister. FML

agreeclassic 90

vote type 1 5

By Jackson - 27/04/2016 02:52 - United States

Today I found out that the first girl I ever liked and really thought liked me has just been talking and dating me because her parents are making her. FML

agreeclassic 69

vote type 1 2

By jcb805 - 27/04/2016 02:52 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for her ex who immediately friend zoned her. FML.

agreeclassic 68

vote type 1 7

By singleandnotreadytomingle - 27/04/2016 02:50 - United States - Fremont

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me to date a self- proclaimed "prophet." FML

agreeclassic 65

vote type 1 11

By izkiz - 27/04/2016 02:41 - United States - Lake Orion

Today, I discovered that my friends have an ongoing bet on whether or not I will be as flat-chested as I am now by the end of highschool. Thanks for the confidence boost! FML

agreeclassic 65

vote type 1 5

By ohsnapword - 27/04/2016 02:37 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, as I was nearing the end of an online exam that I have been taking for 2 hours, my computer crashed. FML

agreeclassic 128

vote type 1 19

By GhostsCummingForMe - 27/04/2016 02:34 - United States - Meridian

Today, I picked up the shirt that I had planned on wearing and found a stain that looked like a cum stain, I thought maybe it was just snot from my dog who was sick at the time and wiped it off I smelled it to find out if I was right, my first guess was correct. And did I mention I live alone? FML

agreeclassic 92

vote type 1 12

By cloroxcandies - 27/04/2016 02:32 - Canada - Milton

Today, my friends and I wanted to go to the mall. We were across the street from it when one of my friends asked if he should jay walk across. Everyone said no and I just shrugged, but he did it anyway. Now he's in the hospital and the others are blaming me because I didn't stop him. FML

agreeclassic 81

vote type 1 15

By hales90 - 27/04/2016 02:31 - United States - Mattoon

Today, my husband and I bought a used truck. It died 30 miles from the dealership. Our roadside insurance wouldn't even tow us because we didn't yet have the truck included on the insurance policy. FML

agreeclassic 77

vote type 1 9

By inlovey - 27/04/2016 02:31

Today, I had to go through metal detectors at work to get to the parking lot, I removed my belt to pass through but my pants fell down. I was going commando. FML

agreeclassic 73

vote type 1 30

By hales90 - 27/04/2016 02:25 - United States - Mattoon

agreeclassic 49

vote type 1 7

By NOOOOO - 27/04/2016 02:25 - United States - Meriden

Today my Health teacher called my house and I answered. ...apparently I sound like my mom and two..He is really kinky. FML

agreeclassic 83

vote type 1 9

By fml - 27/04/2016 02:23 - United States - Elgin

Today, I went into the bathroom at Walmart. I noticed a strange looking "woman" fixing her hair in the mirror. I walked into the stall and the next thing I knew, "her" phone was peeking under my stall. Her laugh was a mans laugh...it was a guy. Fml

agreeclassic 78

vote type 1 10

By Anonymous - 27/04/2016 02:21 - United States - Sterling

Today, my 14-yr old daughter won't go near my son, who broke his leg in a soccer game. She says she might "catch" his disease. Apart from the leg, my son is perfectly fine. I ask her how would you catch a broken leg, and she showed me a website. The title was: Athlete's foot. FML

agreeclassic 47

vote type 1 3

By dietzy122 - 27/04/2016 02:17 - United States - Tonawanda

Today, my mother lost some paper work. It was paper work she wanted to hold on to that was vital to me being accepted into college. She claimed that she would keep it safer. She got so upset she started screaming and stormed out of the house after breaking the computer with the info on file. FML.

agreeclassic 65

vote type 1 4

By taby448 - 27/04/2016 02:16 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I decided to have a party of one in the shower. As a result of a soap bar falling onto the floor I slipped onto the curtain and was knocked out by a toilet seat that came out of nowhere! My parents rushed in to see me with a raging hard on and fast asleep on the floor. FML

agreeclassic 64

vote type 1 9

By Anonymous - 27/04/2016 02:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took my dog out for his walk to train him. Not even a step onto the trail, a dog on a retractable leash got in my dogs face and was growling. The owner finally got her dog under control and tried to convince me that her dog is "friendly". My dog's now set back 2 weeks in his training. FML.

agreeclassic 56

vote type 1 7

By nicktrick92 - 27/04/2016 02:07 - United States - San Jose

Today, I found out that the project I spent the last 10 weeks working on for work was cancelled 6 weeks ago. When I asked my boss why he didn't tell me that, he said "It looked like you were having fun with it!" I don't know how he thought I was having fun, I was ripping my hair out everyday! FML!

agreeclassic 58

vote type 1 4

By unloved - 27/04/2016 02:03 - United States - Springfield

Today is my 15th year dating anniversary with my husband. We have spent the entire night in separate rooms while he sexts his side pieces. I got no thoughtful letter or gift because there is "no money," however, he has all sorts of beer he bought yesterday. FML

agreeclassic 64

vote type 1 4

By mrsmafiaprincess - 27/04/2016 02:02 - United States - New York

Today, I found out the puppy I have had for 4 days is anemic and is now in icu at a major university. She is also the puppy I spent 11 years getting ESA papers on. Everyone says "she is just a dog" and now I have to reapply if she passes. "Just a dog that took over half my life to get" FML

agreeclassic 46

vote type 1 4

By Fuck the coaches - 27/04/2016 02:01 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, at badminton practice we were doing our "tryouts" out of the players already on the team to see who got to play at provincials I played almost two hours straight and won all my games just for the coaches to say someone else got to play. They weren't even there. FML

agreeclassic 45

vote type 1 4

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Top

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

agreeclassic 5 293

vote type 1 1 713

Today, in my psychology class, we were given a sheet that had a list of stressful events and we were to select the ones we had experienced in the last 12 months. I got highest in my class of above an 80% chance of getting a life threatening illness due to stress. Everyone laughed. FML

agreeclassic 28 442

vote type 1 3 227

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend that I've had a crush on him since our junior year. Since I couldn't see him I shot him a text. His response: "Yeah I know. I've tried kind of ignoring it." FML

agreeclassic 80 621

vote type 1 7 809

Today, my mother-in-law moved in with my husband and I, where she shits the bed and herself. There's a waiting list for the nursing home, so in the meantime I’m cleaning up her shit and she isn’t even my mother. FML

agreeclassic 993

vote type 1 243

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

agreeclassic 14 447

vote type 1 983

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

agreeclassic 28 413

vote type 1 5 729