Nearly FMLs

By Why Me - 27/04/2016 01:59 - United States - Vernon Hills

Today, I walked into the wrong class and didn't notice till the end of the period. I had a test that I had to take today and had to get an A graduate. Say goodbye to a college degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 11

By FuckMyLyfer - 27/04/2016 01:52 - United States - North Tonawanda

Today, After months without my favorite Tresemmé shampoo and conditioner I got an erection in the shower from smelling it and lathering it in my hands FML.

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 3

By Anon - 27/04/2016 01:50 - United States - Avon

Today, I was at a restaurant joking around with my family and I jokingly banged the tables and yelled "I want more water damn it!" And the waitress heard me and said "Ok right away" and got me water. Now I look like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 6

By Allydad - 27/04/2016 01:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, My soon to be ex wife that asked for a divorce is refusing for me to talk to or see my daughter because she found out Im happy in my new relationship.fml

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 7

By ProtoBird - 27/04/2016 01:44 - United States - Quincy

Today, I realized how much my family needs me around. Sounds great, right? Not when it's because I walked in on my two oldest daughters holding each hand of my two-year-old daughter as she stomped around and danced on my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 3

By wow_really? - 27/04/2016 01:41 - United States

Today, I ran in to Asian neighbor at the park. Her pomeranian was barking and scared of my much larger dog. I said, "aw, your dog is scared she'll be eaten." She looked a bit shocked and said she had to go. I think about what I said. I forgot about the stereotype of the Chinese eating dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 7

By laxattack714 - 27/04/2016 01:37 - United States - Lady Lake

Today, I saw a duck that appeared to be hurt, so I walked over to see if it was ok, it turns out that it was just two ducks getting it on. The male then proceed to chase me until I tripped and broke my glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 2

By helpme - 26/04/2016 23:51 - United States

Today, I found out my brother became a Scientologist. I know because he had "borrowed" my credit card to pay for his sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 12

By Deadlyhump - 26/04/2016 23:49 - United States - Kemmerer

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend trying to give me a paper cut on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 159

You deserved it 13

By Lucky - 26/04/2016 23:47 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I had the great honor of having hit a curb hard in the car I just bought. It not only blew the tire, both struts, the sway bar clean in half, then bent an axle but also cracked a motor mount. Grand total? 1300 on a thousand dollar beater, FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 42

By notgrownup - 26/04/2016 23:42 - Australia - Yerrinbool

Today, I had to go to the bathroom in class, what's worse than having to go to the bathroom in class? Going to the bathroom. While still in class. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 9

By anonymous - 26/04/2016 23:38 - United States - Poway

Today, I was taking my dog out to go pee and it ran off. I ended up catching him but when I got back to the house with him I lifted his chin to yell at him and he just threw up in my face. fml

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 15

By WellShit - 26/04/2016 23:35 - United States - Ashburn

Today, after recovering from a 6 day fever, i felt much better. So i decided to go to the gym, i now have a fever of 106 degrees and a constant urge to vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 29

By dansco - 26/04/2016 23:30 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, I applied for a disabled bus pass as I'm getting ankle surgery soon so will need to take the bus everywhere. I said to the Bloke that my body feels like that of a 60 year old. He laughed, I was been serious. I have a bad ankle, hips, shoulder, arm, wrists & back along with arthritis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 11

By lonely - 26/04/2016 23:29 - United States - Brecksville

Today, my boyfriend's neighbor has become my boyfriend's serious man crush. I realized this when it was expressed to me that hanging out with the neighbor sounded more fun than staying in to have sex with me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 26/04/2016 23:27 - United States - Everett

Today, or rather the other night, I had sex with my crush. The only problem is that I got blackout drunk before, and then threw up on her afterwards. I don't remember any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 14

By NoDadSad - 26/04/2016 23:18 - United States - Laconia

Today, I was talking with my friend when she made the comment, "My dad NEVER makes mistakes." So I replied, "He made one big mistake: you." I was just joking, but she replied "At least I HAVE a dad." Then she burst out laughing. She's well aware that my dad went to prison for raping my sister. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 13

By Anonymous - 26/04/2016 23:09 - Canada - Burlington

Today, my alarm clock did not go off, it would have been fine if the cat hadn't pissed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

By PARTY_OF_1 - 26/04/2016 23:05

Today, my husband told me I was being selfish in asking him to take the day off since he only has one left this month and planned on using it with his buddies for Vegas. Saying what kind of "bro" would he be if he left the guys hanging. Reason for me being selfish to attend my father's funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 6

By dtchaulk - 26/04/2016 22:58 - United States - Fullerton

Today, and for the past few days, I've been really sick. I have a geochemistry exam this morning, but when I went to start my car to go to school it wouldn't start. Now Ive got to somehow get to class in 50 minutes while feeling like I've been hit by a truck with no working car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 5

By nachos117 - 26/04/2016 22:36 - United States - Bronx

Today, while I was using the bathroom, my sister spilled a large jar of coins. My father then yelled up the stairs, telling me to come down and help her clean them up. When I asked why he couldn't, he said he had to get dinner started. Dinner was over two hours ago. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 7

By spiller - 26/04/2016 22:36 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was on my phone in class and was texting a friend on snapchat. He was coming over for dinner tonight and texted me, "Can't wait to see you tonight! Its gonna be fun!", with a winky face. Too bad my teacher saw it and got the wrong idea. My plans for tonight are gone, as is my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 10

By gdiego73 - 26/04/2016 22:34

Today, I was sick in bed with a cold and a very bruised up neck because a tree fell on me, Well when my sister came home she started complaining why I wasn't at school. This comes from the girl I carried to the hospital when she broke her leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

By anonymous - 26/04/2016 22:27 - Canada - Cranbrook

Today, I was signed up to coach little league soccer. I am very bad with children and have no soccer skills whatsoever. Most of them are taller than me and i feel like they will have no respect for me. I start coaching them in 2 and a half hours and I have no idea what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

By neos - 26/04/2016 22:27 - United States

Today, i came to work at my scheduled time. i was fired on the spot for being 30 minutes late. i wasnt informed of the change. there goes this months bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 5

By nachos117 - 26/04/2016 22:26 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had a dream that spring break was over the next day, and I was crying and throwing up. Then, I woke up and I was happy to realize i still had about 4 days left. Then I woke up for real, because my mother had yelled up the stairs to get ready for school. Back to the toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 2

By MitchB1308 - 26/04/2016 22:13 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I showed my girlfriend a funny FML about some guy getting a wake up blowjob, and him pissing on her, thinking I was hinting something, she decided to give it a try thinking it wouldn't happen to me. Think again... FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 4

By Anonymous - 26/04/2016 22:10 - United States - Clarksville

Today, My mother confesses her love for the guy I've been crushing on for a few months... He asked me out, and I had to turn him down because I now know she cares about him, too. I really liked this one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 3

By rikkirauha - 26/04/2016 22:08 - United States - Cypress

Today, I had to go to the hospital. Why? Because I got a concussion from falling and hitting my head. How? Because I walked into the bathroom and was greeted with a bloody tampon and gory mess in the toilet, courtesy of my sister, which caused me to faint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 36

By Anonymous - 26/04/2016 21:58 - United States - Chardon

Today I got a write up at the nursing home I work at. Why? Not writing a resident's room number on a styrofoam cup of ice. The resident was in the dining room and only had the cup for 5 minutes, just long enough to finish her soda. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 17

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The Top

Today, my two year old decided to run out the front door alone. I ran after him, tripped over the bottom of my jeans, fell onto the sidewalk and scraped up both my hands and knees. My neighbors just watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 779

You deserved it 4 392

Today, someone called me a bitch, all because I refused to sell him lottery tickets at 3 a.m. My state prohibits sales after 10 pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 989

You deserved it 82

Today, my mom sent me home with some delicious-looking BBQ ribs because I'd missed a cookout due to work. I set them on the counter, intent on putting them in the oven, but had to make a quick run to the bathroom. I came back to find my roommate's cat sitting in the plate, covered in sauce, as he helped himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 360

You deserved it 428

Today, I went to a strip club for the first time ever and was about to enjoy a private dance when the stripper stepped onto my chair, between my legs, to climb up onto platform. Sexy. Unfortunately, she missed the chair and stood on my balls, full weight, without noticing. I didn't 'enjoy' anything after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 467

You deserved it 370

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 300

You deserved it 2 981

Today, my ex and I had sex. Afterwards, I cleaned myself with a t-shirt and left a huge sperm stain on the front of it. After that, my stepfather came home, so we left. As we were sitting in the car in front of the house, my stepfather left on a bicycle, wearing the t-shirt. Sunlight reflected off the stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122

You deserved it 468