Nearly FML

By dorothy675 - 29/04/2016 06:56 - United States

Today, I found out my uncle will die within a few days. Last weekend, someone I know was told she only has 3 months left to live. The weekend before that, my boyfriend's grandpa got a brain hemorrhage. I'm not looking forward to what next weekend will bring. FML

agreeclassic 196

vote type 1 14

By HeisenburgLabs - 29/04/2016 06:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a homeless deaf man approached me asking for money. I asked him how he was doing in sign language and he yelled, "man fuck you". He then shoved me into a wall. He didn't know sign language because he wasn't actually deaf. FML

agreeclassic 183

vote type 1 27

By Quis - 29/04/2016 06:54 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today the Lord struck me with not only a headache and a weirdly twitchy eye, but also with a cyst on the rim of my anus. Literally, on the rim of my anus. I can't sit without looking constipated and it only feels better if I fart constantly. FML.

agreeclassic 137

vote type 1 14

By anon - 29/04/2016 06:42 - Australia - Strathpine

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years met my family for the first time due to long distance. At dinner I blurted out "daddy could you please pass me the gravy" and both my boyfriend and dad went to grab it. I have never once called my boyfriend daddy but no one will believe me. He can't stop laughing FML

agreeclassic 174

vote type 1 28

By Anon - 29/04/2016 06:38 - United States - Tucson

Today, My foot fell asleep so hard I rolled my ankle trying to make it from the toilet to the bed.FML

agreeclassic 109

vote type 1 23

By nioclas_hav - 29/04/2016 06:31 - Ireland

Today, my dad showed up at my front door. I haven't seen him 15 years didn't even know where he was. I don't know he found me or what he is doing but I don't want him here. He won't stop knocking on the door. FML

agreeclassic 135

vote type 1 17

By MrsDruidess - 29/04/2016 06:15 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found the house of my dreams. I shared the find with my best friend who informed me it is in the same subdivision as the whore my husband cheated on me with. FML

agreeclassic 122

vote type 1 13

By so done - 29/04/2016 06:12 - Canada - Squamish

Today, I listed the pros and cons of extremely loose ligaments. Pros, quick recovery time when dislocating something because nothing is pulled or sprained. Cons, I've dislocated my hip twice this rugby season and popped my knee at least three times. FML

agreeclassic 99

vote type 1 15

By shitface - 29/04/2016 05:57 - United States - Marietta

Today, I was taking a shit. Before I was able to flush, I got a call for a once in a lifetime interview. Completely distracted, I forgot about my shit. Later on, I brought a girl home, she went to the bathroom and saw the shit I had left. Then she left. Also, I didn't get the job. FML

agreeclassic 89

vote type 1 11

By liz4cyr - 29/04/2016 05:56 - United States - Athens

Today, I work as a waitress and have a manager who doesn't cut servers no matter how slow the business. In order to stop us from "doing nothing" while the restaurant was empty he makes us do the bussers sidework whom he sent home. i got to scrub the floors and walls for $2.25 an hour.

agreeclassic 78

vote type 1 9

By Basketbabe - 29/04/2016 05:53 - United States - Marshfield

Today, I was driving around on a backroad with my boyfriend and I managed to get my car stuck. Now there's water inside the passenger side and the clutch burned out. The tow truck won't be able to get in until tomorrow. FML

agreeclassic 58

vote type 1 5

By Withastraw - 29/04/2016 05:46 - United States - Belmont

Today, I dropped by my hometown to surprise my family. Today I learned my father and mother both do cocaine. FML

agreeclassic 84

vote type 1 6

By riddhi - 29/04/2016 05:43 - India - New Delhi

Today, i did not meet the cut off at my exam, one which i prepared for two years, by five marks. FML

agreeclassic 67

vote type 1 5

By chemicalsunshine - 29/04/2016 05:37 - United States - Alliance

Today, my fiance of 3 years and I almost broke up. Why? Because after cooking a nice chicken dinner the way he likes it and knowing it was done he demanded pizza. I replied with "no, tomorrow I will but dinner is ready". He then threw the entire dinner in the trash and ate a TV dinner in spite. FML

agreeclassic 83

vote type 1 7

By Notcomingback - 29/04/2016 05:20 - United States - Belmont

Today, I came back to my hometown to surprise my parents. I was surprised to find them having an orgy. In my room. FML

agreeclassic 81

vote type 1 9

By Notcomingback - 29/04/2016 05:20 - United States - Belmont

Today, I came back to my hometown to surprise my parents. I was surprised to find them having an orgy. In my room. FML

agreeclassic 43

vote type 1 6

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 05:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out after 12 years of marriage that if it wasn't for the fact that I was into women my husband would leave me... FML

agreeclassic 49

vote type 1 5

By Hellokitty621 - 29/04/2016 04:58 - United States - Oxnard

Today I decided to go to Starbucks and get my boyfriend some coffee since his work was about to end. I excitedly went to his office and propose to go on a date to watch the jungle book but apparently he preferred on watching the NFL drafting with his brother than going on a date with me. FML

agreeclassic 54

vote type 1 12

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 04:53 - United States - Miamisburg

Today, the now 12-year-old girl who has been obsessed with me for years, decided to share her "news" that I got her pregnant. I don't know what's worse, that my family believed her, or that they were happy about it. FML.

agreeclassic 66

vote type 1 5

By none of your business - 29/04/2016 04:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today after spending an hour and a half desperately trying to shit I had no choice but to glove up and stick my finger up my ass to get the impacted stool out. And as if that wasn't bad enough I passed out in the process and hit my head right where I have a wound from brain surgery 3 weeks ago. FML

agreeclassic 62

vote type 1 6

By LickyToBeAlive - 29/04/2016 04:44 - United States - Hialeah

Today, my boyfriend's mother, who has no accepted the fact that I'm an atheist, tried to convince that I am not one, because I want to celebrate my birthday. Wanting to celbrate it means I am celebrating the fact that God gave me life. I'm celebrating turning 20 and the fact I didn't die at 18. FML

agreeclassic 55

vote type 1 8

By divinebellaluna - 29/04/2016 04:37 - United States - Youngstown

Today, while going down on my fiancé, he got so excited that he shoved his dick so far down my throat that I threw up on him and myself. His only response? "We gotta work on your gag reflex, babe." FML

agreeclassic 49

vote type 1 7

By leechy - 29/04/2016 04:19 - United States - Staten Island

Today, after saving up for 3 months to buy a new car, it was hit in a parking lot and my tires got slashed in my driveway FML

agreeclassic 54

vote type 1 5

By GingerSnap98 - 29/04/2016 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that after finally getting over an abusive relationship and finally trusting a guy again that said guy tricked me into thinking he cared when all he wanted was sex. At least the first guy was honest. FML

agreeclassic 51

vote type 1 8

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 04:01 - United States - Saint Cloud

I got engaged but before I could tell anyone my sickly mother ended up in the hospital.. her illness stressed her heart and it stopped for over eight minutes which lead to her being on life support. As a family we decided it would be best to say goodbye.. it was the week of my 22nd birthday.. FML

agreeclassic 61

vote type 1 5

By TheZombieGirl - 29/04/2016 03:53 - United States - West Jordan

Today, I planed to seek revenge on my sisters boyfriend, that consisted of me climbing up a tree with a paintball gun before he got home, When he got home I went to shoot him, missed and fell eight feet and landed backwerds in front of him, he laughed and said you just made my day and proceeded. FML

agreeclassic 57

vote type 1 19

By ekmjwp19951993 - 29/04/2016 03:52 - Canada - Porters Lake

Today, at my daycare a child shoved her sock down her throat and forced herself to throw up... All over 9 big foam mats.. this was after she kicked me in the face and screamed all morning talk about spiteful... Fml

agreeclassic 54

vote type 1 10

By kishmobile444 - 29/04/2016 03:50 - United States - Flint

Today, while driving the 25 minute drive to my daughter's daycare, I spent the entire time puking into a plastic bag. sadly, it had holes in it and got all over me and my seat. Morning sickness...the struggle is real lately! FML

agreeclassic 53

vote type 1 7

By don't be that guy - 29/04/2016 03:50 - United States

Today, somebody threw a pencil and it got stuck in the ceiling. And since I'm tall everyone thought I put it there and I got in trouble. FML

agreeclassic 48

vote type 1 4

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 03:47 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I had a horrible day at work. To make myself feel better I ordered Chinese from my favorite restaurant only to crunch down on a piece of bone and break a tooth. FML

agreeclassic 34

vote type 1 4

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Top

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 24 100

vote type 1 38 837

Today, I told my coworker she looked great and asked if she was “glowing” because she was pregnant. She isn’t pregnant. She is, however, going through a breakup and just gained 10 pounds from comfort eating. FML

agreeclassic 96

vote type 1 729

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

agreeclassic 8 023

vote type 1 974

Today, my workplace replaced all of the toilets in the store with automatic toilets. I have an anxiety disorder, and I can't use them. FML

agreeclassic 787

vote type 1 390

Today, I got home and found out that, because of a burst pipe in their house, my husband's brother's family had moved in. They agreed to only smoke outside, but it’s on their clothes so the house already stinks of cigarettes, and their kids have already broken two things, a plate and the fridge door handle. FML

agreeclassic 565

vote type 1 104

Today, I found myself wondering if my sister's jaw makes the same clicking sound when she's giving head as it does when she's eating food. FML

agreeclassic 27 178

vote type 1 8 924