Nearly FMLs

By "UDIRTYMUFFINS" - 09/09/2017 07:36 - United States - Bronx

Today my boyfriend and I left our dog in the house because she just recently had puppies and she can't leave them for long. He tells her specifically not to piss on the floor. So she jumps up on the bed and pisses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 34

By Relieved - 09/09/2017 01:53

Today someone gave my husband a counterfeit $100 bill and we didn't know that it was counterfeit until the store called us and told us. We had 3 1/2 hours to come up with $100 to avoid getting the cops involved. We came up with the money but we are still out $100. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 9

By Meli - 09/09/2017 01:30

Today, I called a client after hours to inform her of her cat's raised kidney enzyme. After discussing the prices for further diagnostics and ending the call, I looked at the labwork and realized I had run the sample under "dog". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 465

You deserved it 1 967

By Anonymous - 08/09/2017 09:36

Today, I got the courage to ask my best friend why she has been ignoring me and treating me poorly for the better part of the last year. She responded by getting defensive, blaming me, and insisted I should know about her family problems she never told me about. She then ended the friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 10

By "Roseicat" - 08/09/2017 01:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted half an condom wrapper on floor and after bitching my partner out (we don't use them) I inspected it for evidence and found it was in fact an empty ramen flavour packet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 121

By PerpetualLoneliness - 07/09/2017 19:13 - United States - Youngstown

Today, I got a long text from a coworker I have grown fond of over the last few weeks saying that she feels awkward around me because of my feelings. She has decided to give our friendship space. I literally just got dumped while single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 12

By Seriouslysinglenomingle - 07/09/2017 15:36 - United States - Springfield

Today I walked in on a special needs girl masturbating in my college's bathroom. She didn't stop even when more people came in. This isn't the first time this has happened, and probably isn't the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 3

By "FangirlMess6" - 07/09/2017 21:54

Today, I realized the girl I love will never love me, due to the fact that I'm a woman. she said I'm going to hell. I fell for a homophobe. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 17

By Anonymous - 07/09/2017 18:22

I visited my Nan in hospital with my younger sister of 4 years difference. The woman next to my Nan asked if we were mother and daughter to which I responded "I'm only 20!". To which SHE responded "you look much older. start wearing some makeup!"

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 6

By Anonymous - 07/09/2017 14:33

Today, after months using Tinder religiously and swiping right for everyone, I got my first match. Her first words were "sorry, accidentally swiped right". FML.

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 10

By come on not again - 07/09/2017 12:34 - Slovakia

Today, my parents turned on our burglar alarm when they left the house. I was still in my room, they just forgot that I existed. This happens pretty often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 7

By Angry Butthole - 07/09/2017 10:03

Today, at a juice bar I had a combo of celery cucumber spinach parsley and wheatgrass; nothing else but water all day. I am now nauseous and have the horrible wind and projectile diarrhea from the detox effect. My sphincter feels like it gave birth to a flaming porcupine, FML.

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 65

By Banana - 07/09/2017 15:01 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I confessed my love to my work colleague who had cheated on his girlfriend with me. Although they broke up months ago and he reciprocated feelings making me feel really special, I found out he had also been banging the only other female work colleague we had. Fml.

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 77

By "JojoBear_15" - 07/09/2017 04:39

Today at work, I had a very rude and ignorant customer come in. I spent at least an hour trying to help her while trying to work around her behaviour. while walking her out, she asked me if I had a belt and when I replied "yes" proceeded to tell me I should wear one because "it'll suck in your gut."

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 6

By cigiwondergirl - 07/09/2017 03:04

Today I had to go back to the doctor even though I've been on antibiotics for a week. I have 45 dollars until payday. I went and got my $20.00 prescription. When I left the pharmacy my car wouldn't start. Thought it was a ground or starter. It's an AC condenser. $600. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

By Edwardscissorhands - 06/09/2017 18:05 - New Zealand

Today, my wife surprised me with a handjob whilst watching tv. Unfortunately this came to an abrupt end after the cat decided my balls must be a new toy for him. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 12

By Bevie - 06/09/2017 21:55

Today I stopped for a turtle on the highway, seeing as there have been plenty since hurricane Harvey hit, some douche thought it would be hilarious to swerve in my direction I moved out of the way just in time but the poor turtle didn't stand a chance fml.

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 7

By Kara_araK - 06/09/2017 21:11 - South Africa - Krugersdorp

Today, I found out that the noise I heard last night wasn't the wind like I had expected, but a burglar trying to get into my flat. Later, I also found out that the same burglars tied two people up and shot one person in another burglary the same night I heard the burglar/noise outside my window.FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 06/09/2017 20:08

Today I found out a colleague put in a report that I regularly purchase cannabis. I work in a prison. And I have never touched illegal substances in my life. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 6

By GryffindorPartyMore - 06/09/2017 17:46

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over text message because she thinks that me feeling ill very frequently is an excuse to not see her. I have cancer. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 6

By SkipBeatOtaku - 06/09/2017 16:16

Today, I went to work with my sword. Not because I live or work in a sketchy area. No, I heard something rustle in my yard and was too scared to walk to my car without it. Found out when I got off it was a pinecone falling from the big tree in my yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 41

By Anon - 06/09/2017 06:57

Today, a fire is bearing down on the city I just moved to and a hurricane is bearing down on the city I just moved from. Everything I own is in the path of a hurricane and I'm in the path of a wildfire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 8

By Jimmythepigeon - 06/09/2017 05:53

Today my girlfriend gave me new sheets for my birthday. The ones I have are 1000 thread count and are silver and match my room. She got me 250 TC and they are baby blue and look ridiculous in my room. She wants me to throw out my good sheets and use these and I don't want to be ungrateful, FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 13

By Anonymous - 05/09/2017 22:18 - United States

Today, I woke up with the flu, on the way to the emergency room despite having several bags, I managed to projectile vomit all over my side of my fiancée's brand new car and all over my clothes. On top of that I'm now admitted in the hospital FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 6

By Harrison - 06/09/2017 01:54

Today, thinking I was alone I let rip quite an impressive fart. As I turned around I realised I had just gassed my manager, who happens to be a dwarf, right in the face and he was visibly retching and trying not to be sick. Not sure if I should just quit or wait to be fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 35

By "TChrisman" - 06/09/2017 01:50

Today my three-year old decided to paint on her bedroom wall...with lipstick...and waterproof mascara. I can't get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 18

By Egodram - 05/09/2017 13:41 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I have to watch a documentary as part of an assignment for a class. This film interviews people from several countries and is being spoken in German, Russian, Arabic, Urdu, and Yiddish. I have to write a paper about it by Friday, and there are no English subtitles at all. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 9

By A.W. - 05/09/2017 19:44

Today my new boyfriend admitted that he has had multiple sex dreams about his cousin....who I have been informed that I bare a striking resemblance to...FML.

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 6

By Megatron - 05/09/2017 19:22

Today, I learned how to change oil in a car. I also learned that even if you're laying a good half a foot to the left of the oil filter, it can still cover half of your face in oil if you aren't prepared for it. And it tastes disgusting. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 19

By AlphaKappa - 05/09/2017 18:11 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, a month after I passed my qualification exams, and about 8 months after transfer to my new job, as I finally started to come out of my depression, I was told my department closed down and I was demoted to my previous position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

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The Top

Today, my wife picked a fight with a guy twice my size, then expected me to “man up and teach the bitch a lesson.” I’m not insane so I of course refused to fight, then she locked me out of the house for embarrassing her in front of her sisters. I want a frisking divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 146

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 426

You deserved it 4 537

Today, I have pink eye. Four weeks ago I had scabies. I'm an elementary school teacher, and I'm apparently under attack from biological weapons: my students. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 030

You deserved it 4 404

Today, I spent hours in town getting everything I'd need to make dinner, taking the cat to the vet, getting gardening supplies, and filling up our extra tanks with gas for the mowers. I came home, only for Mom to wordlessly plunk down an empty pack of cigarettes, and grin like a Cheshire cat, then sip her wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 74

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 101

You deserved it 5 426

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 117

You deserved it 168