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Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

by Kyle / 12/03/2013 at 1:09am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

by dantko / 01/01/2014 at 12:04am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2014 at 3:00pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on the highway, a guy in a truck sped up to pass me. He was hauling a trailer, which hit me and ran me off the road. I called the cops and followed him all the way into town, where the cops pulled him over. They let him go without even a ticket, because, "He didn't know he hit you." FML

by Off_Road / 06/04/2014 at 3:30pm / United States (Alaska) / Transportation

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

by bananna / 05/29/2014 at 11:18am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, at my local amusement park, I decided it'd be fun to meet someone on the roller coaster by sitting alone and hoping that someone nice would sit next to me. I rode the roller coaster 7 times. I sat alone each time. FML

by Anonymous / 07/08/2014 at 3:40pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

by Anonymous / 07/14/2014 at 1:45pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

by motherlover / 08/05/2014 at 12:40am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I went to a café and got some soup. When I was done, a nice waiter came over and offered to take my mostly empty soup bowl. I quickly at the last of it, looked up smiling and said "thanks". The soup dribbled out of my mouth and onto his hand. FML

by Anonymous / 08/15/2014 at 1:06am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my doctor wasn't kidding when he said "sudden diarrhea may occur" with my new medication. I learned this while walking my dog a mile away from my house. FML

by HauntedTwilight / 08/14/2014 at 9:09pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

by abbshows / 08/29/2014 at 2:54pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while my husband and I were having sex, my cat decided to join in on our moans by crying at the door the entire time. He stopped as soon as we finished. FML

by boobear511 / 11/02/2014 at 7:26pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML

by bradix1186 / 02/21/2015 at 1:00pm / Philippines (North Cotabato) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.