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Today, I was driving home. I desperately needed the bathroom, so I was speeding a little bit. A cop pulled me over and gave me hell. He said he'd heard my story a hundred times and didn't believe me. I couldn't hold it and ended up marinating in my own piss while he ran my plates. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2015 at 1:25pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

by Danny / 01/07/2012 at 5:27am / Australia / Intimacy

Today, I have a massive headache, thanks to my asshat of a roommate, who decided to balance our tea kettle on the top of the kitchen door. When I stumbled into the kitchen, half-awake, it came smashing down onto my head. FML

by sharky / 10/05/2012 at 4:25pm / United States / Health

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

by ladyhavery / 06/28/2010 at 9:28am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I walked into my roommate's room to ask him a question, only to see a pitcher with over a pint of urine in it sitting on his bookcase. This is at least the fifth conversation in a year I've had with him about not peeing in containers in his room. FML

by notestojenn / 07/04/2012 at 10:55pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML

by Loveless / 09/10/2009 at 2:18am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was pulling out of my driveway, and was being aware of the flowers I had just planted. I moved my head to look out my window as not to hit them, not realizing my window was up. I then hit my head break my nose and drive over the flowers. FML

by samantha246 / 05/11/2009 at 3:46pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

by fatty / 06/09/2009 at 4:39am / Germany (Hessen) / Health

Today, I work on a cruise ship, and I just learned that we have a morgue on board. How did I learn that? It's right next to the crew laundry room, and I opened the wrong door. It was occupied. FML

by CircusSea / 11/04/2012 at 7:02pm / Puerto Rico / Work

Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML

by tired of my job / 10/29/2015 at 4:33am / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

by CheeseyPotatoes / 04/11/2011 at 9:16am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

by curseyousuperman / 04/01/2015 at 12:20pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

by time to buy a gun / 11/01/2015 at 11:22pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Animals