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Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

by Blueberry / 09/16/2012 at 10:00pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend, of a year, got drunk and called me flat chested then said the reason he won't have sex with me anymore is because he is "used" to me. He said all of this in front of his friends. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2010 at 9:25am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

by gotitEVERYWHERE / 03/08/2010 at 5:40pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

by rhya4n / 05/15/2012 at 3:27pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Health

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

by anonynomi / 11/19/2015 at 12:26pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML

by picklemonger / 12/08/2011 at 2:58pm / Canada / Transportation

Today, as a medical student working in a hospital, I asked a patient if he had any questions for me or his physician. His only question: whether or not my breasts are real. FML

Today, my boss had a breakdown and sent me home early. Apparently my voice reminds him of his abusive stepfather. He said I'm lucky he's on medication. FML

by cougar26 / 09/24/2015 at 12:42pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, my grandma was sent to the hospital so I called out of work. My bosses told me that if I didn't come in I would be fired. I did so, only to find out they needed me there so I could close the restaurant while they left early to go to a party. FML

by CLupo / 12/17/2015 at 12:06am / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

by Anonymous / 06/08/2015 at 10:11am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend thought I was going to ask him if we wanted children together. Instead of talking about it, he pretended to have a violent seizure and die. FML

by tessie94 / 09/06/2015 at 2:33pm / Austria (Wien) / Love

Today, my dad took me to the empty parking lot of Wal-Mart to try driving for the first time. All was well until he shouted at me for going too slow, which startled me into jerking the wheel and simultaneously stomping on the gas. I don't think Geico covers a Wal-Mart-sized dent in one's car. FML

Today, after trying unsuccessfully for three or so years to have a baby with my wife, my broodiness has gotten so bad that when I saw a couple with their daughter at the bus stop, I briefly had a daydream where I shot them in the head and took their daughter home to raise as my own. FML

by DesperateToBeDad / 12/31/2015 at 6:57am / United Kingdom (Bedfordshire) / Kids