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Today, I started my new job. It seems my colleagues are moronic pranksters, because when I leaned back in my chair, the back-rest fell apart and I fell to the ground, to much laughter. My boss immediately shouted at me to "stop fucking about." I thought this only happened in movies. FML

by dan / 05/09/2012 at 4:10pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I witnessed my dad spreading his ass cheeks to show my mom the rashes his hemorrhoids are giving him. FML

by smf_ds / 07/31/2015 at 4:48pm / Portugal (Porto) / Miscellaneous

Today, as a medical student working in a hospital, I asked a patient if he had any questions for me or his physician. His only question: whether or not my breasts are real. FML

Today, I've reached the point in my life where the "Apply to affected area" label on acne cream essentially means I need to take a bath in the stuff. FML

by Whiteheads / 08/26/2015 at 12:33am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

by klsdhjla / 02/14/2010 at 8:23pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my dad found a couple of coins on the floor next to my desk, and gave me a lecture about how money doesn't grow on trees and how irresponsible I am when it comes to money. They were Chuck E. Cheese tokens. FML

by rofindie / 05/07/2012 at 12:12am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

by Talis / 01/12/2016 at 8:24am / United States (California) / Work

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

by gotitEVERYWHERE / 03/08/2010 at 5:40pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, my roommate did his laundry. Unfortunately, he didn't check his pockets before he washed them. There's now sticky, melted gum all over the washer and I'm left to clean it up. FML

by StickySituations / 01/27/2012 at 5:32pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out what the two girls I sit near to fight about every day: seating. The loser has to sit next to me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2012 at 12:47pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2015 at 1:51am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I tried to set up my brand new washer and dryer. How hard can it be, right? After cutting my hand in 3 places on the dryer vent, I finished it off with electrocuting myself. So much for being a domestic goddess. FML

by annie00016 / 10/26/2009 at 9:41pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

by a-mishunderstanding / 08/08/2011 at 12:07am / Work