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Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

#8122396
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18330) - you deserved it (2578)

On 02/11/2010 at 4:09am - intimacy - by stewiesclone - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

#3971030
320 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18325) - you deserved it (70305)

On 07/23/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by MitchFail (man) - United States

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

#14140366
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18325) - you deserved it (40113)

On 12/09/2010 at 7:31am - intimacy - by NeverDrinkingAgain - Canada

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

#20039608
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18325) - you deserved it (3338)

On 08/24/2012 at 5:10pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Walsall)

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

#20424412
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18324) - you deserved it (21219)

On 12/26/2012 at 9:09pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Georgia)

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

#15356314
190 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18322) - you deserved it (83141)

On 03/17/2011 at 7:52pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

#33255
22 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18315) - you deserved it (39786)

On 02/12/2009 at 7:54pm - misc - by SmokedSalmon (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my Grandma was showing me an ancient family letter. It was apparently written by someone historically famous. She was going on about how important it was, in such good condition too, worth a lot. I dropped my glass of juice. It spilt all over it. FML

#101667
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18314) - you deserved it (42717)

On 02/22/2009 at 1:41am - misc - by damn-it (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

#19950603
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18314) - you deserved it (2551)

On 07/17/2012 at 3:47pm - kids - by ssydneyy - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was waiting in a doctor's office when I was approached by an elderly woman. She told me all about the ripping of her stitches in a very private place, in exhaustive detail. Of course, today was the day my doctor chose to be an hour late. FML

#20183071
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18310) - you deserved it (1330)

On 11/28/2012 at 7:57pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

#2335982
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18307) - you deserved it (64274)

On 05/27/2009 at 5:45am - intimacy - by arctic1 (man) - United States (Alaska)

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

#2464165
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18305) - you deserved it (46441)

On 05/31/2009 at 1:11pm - money - by mooseknuckle (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was driving out to a concert I've been excited about for months. I was using my GPS to guide me to the venue. It decided to guide me to an abandoned warehouse in the middle of town. FML

#20021994
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18301) - you deserved it (3163)

On 08/15/2012 at 2:18am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States



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