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Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML
Today, I was washing the dishes at work. I had to pee really bad but first I wanted to finish the dishes. A coworker jumped out from behind the ice machine. I screamed like a girl and pissed my pants. FML
Today, as I was leaving for my chemistry exam, I stepped on one of the countless sheets of chemistry notes that littered the floor following last night's studying. I managed to slip and knock myself out in my own living room. FML
Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML
Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML
Friday 27 March 2015