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Sunday 9 December 2012

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Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

by Anonymous / 12/15/2012 at 7:46pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML

by FMyEx / 12/06/2012 at 6:50am / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, my mother told my therapist that I've been reverting to childlike behavior and she was worried about my maturity. She was worried because I screamed hysterically after dropping a pot of boiling noodles on my lap. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2012 at 3:31am / United States / Health

Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2012 at 3:48pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my science class found out that I have OCD and that one of my rituals is to cough when others cough. This is going to be a long year. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2012 at 11:09pm / United States (New York) / Geek

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

by Alec / 12/10/2012 at 2:01am / United States / Transportation

Today, while picking up a birthday cake, I was screamed at by an upset woman for getting special attention from the bakers, and that I was nothing more than an attention-hogging slut. The bakers are my co-workers and I was picking my cake up on my day off. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2012 at 10:05am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sent in an assignment from my batshit insane teacher. The assignment was to read a poem, analyze it, and make a comic of its plot. This would've been fine if the teacher who assigned it to me didn't teach math. FML

by bestnameright / 12/09/2012 at 10:53pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right, she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2012 at 9:32pm / United States / Kids

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

by shamefaced / 12/06/2012 at 10:11pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Love

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

by lingling / 12/15/2012 at 7:57pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I went to see a musical that some school friends had put on. At some point in the show, the main character kicked her leg up in the air, and her high heel flew off of her foot and into the audience. The shoe hit me square in the face. FML

by ko / 12/08/2012 at 7:25pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my dog did something I had no idea he could do. He participated in an all-male three-way at the dog park. In front of everyone. FML

by MoreActionThanMe / 12/10/2012 at 7:04pm / United States / Animals