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May 2016

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Today, my now fully vaccinated puppy went to a restaurant for the first time. They allow clean, well-behaved dogs. He threw up everywhere from excitement. FML

by Pupluv183 / 05/02/2016 at 12:43pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

by Alex / 05/08/2016 at 3:12pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, a TV crew filmed my house for a real estate show. They got an actor to pretend he owned the place but wanted to move. The host kept saying how shit my house is, and while talking about me with his producer, he said "Know how I know he ain't a fag? Fags can actually decorate." FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2016 at 10:50am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my class had a paint war to celebrate our upcoming graduation. I had a severe allergic reaction to the paint and now I'm covered in giant red splotches everywhere. FML

by readytograduate / 05/06/2016 at 11:22am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

by Incompetent / 05/02/2016 at 8:27am / Pakistan (Punjab) / Work

Today, my daughter asked me to take her to Victoria's Secret so I could buy her some "sexy clothes". She's 9. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2016 at 4:42am / Kids

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2016 at 11:02pm / Canada (Northwest Territories) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my neighbor, who lives alone, to the hospital as she was complaining of stomach pains. Being a healthcare professional, all signs pointed to appendicitis. We waited for 6 hours to be told she needed to poo. FML

by chocolateteacup / 05/06/2016 at 5:30am / Australia (Victoria) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

by aggghghgh / 05/14/2016 at 4:51am / Health

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

by FuckingDone / 05/20/2016 at 7:08pm / United States (Alabama) / Kids

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

by Beefy Man / 05/13/2016 at 3:33am / United States (Utah) / Money

Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML

by WeighYourWords / 05/03/2016 at 7:12am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Work

Today, my parents "suggested" I help them move house. I didn't realize that meant I would be carrying every stick of furniture out of their house. The muscles in my arms are so tight now that I can't straighten them. I can't wait to help them unpack tomorrow. FML

by Pain / 05/06/2016 at 7:34am / United States (Minnesota) / Health