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May 2013

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Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

#20656177
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34739) - you deserved it (5938)

On 05/11/2013 at 12:21pm - kids - by What the fuck, son? (man) - Netherlands (Utrecht)

Today, I got a breast exam. I'd never had one before, but assumed it would be quick and easy. I had no idea how ticklish my boobs are. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and kept instinctively jerking away. FML

#20649324
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34730) - you deserved it (4245)

On 05/08/2013 at 2:42am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

#20660172
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34568) - you deserved it (4070)

On 05/13/2013 at 1:02am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

#20636797
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34482) - you deserved it (9810)

On 05/02/2013 at 11:59am - intimacy - by MommaAnnie (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

#20667435
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34485) - you deserved it (3024)

On 05/16/2013 at 5:36pm - intimacy - by Urgghh (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, as with every day, I had to endure my roommate talking to his wife in a baby voice. This is a grown man, who has had a beard since junior high, who literally talks to her like you would a puppy or a baby. Someone kill me. FML

#20651533
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34462) - you deserved it (6272)

On 05/09/2013 at 2:49am - misc - by fml0505 (man) - United States

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

#20666438
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34416) - you deserved it (4475)

On 05/16/2013 at 12:31am - money - by astalkerindeed (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was at dance rehearsal. As a male dancer I like to keep the fact that I dance a secret because of the stupid stereotypes male dancers have. This plan was quickly shot down when I discovered I was performing at my school. FML

#20639678
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34381) - you deserved it (4586)

On 05/03/2013 at 8:39pm - misc - by DeActivated (man) - United States (Utah)

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

#20663152
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34162) - you deserved it (3730)

On 05/14/2013 at 3:52pm - love - by wellokaythen (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

#20668540
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34152) - you deserved it (2542)

On 05/17/2013 at 3:21am - intimacy - by Uncomfortable (woman) -

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

#20663182
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34156) - you deserved it (3169)

On 05/14/2013 at 4:09pm - health - by DrewK (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my dog had her stomach pumped because she ate some cookies. The 100 cookies I made for a bake sale to be exact. FML

#20636616
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34054) - you deserved it (5240)

On 05/02/2013 at 8:50am - animals - by Anonymous - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus". FML

#20668913
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34048) - you deserved it (2131)

On 05/17/2013 at 11:52am - misc - by Sonofa - Canada (Alberta)



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