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April 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I found out that Yale had actually accepted me seventeen years ago. My mother apparently burned my acceptance package and letters because she didn't want me to upstage her UChicago degree. FML

Today, I walked in on my brother giving his best friend a hand-job. I can't unsee this. FML

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

#20617044
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (79622) - you deserved it (4090)

On 04/23/2013 at 10:01pm - animals - by halliemarie1818 - United States

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

#20609608
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (77507) - you deserved it (7055)

On 04/21/2013 at 6:20am - intimacy - by loving wife - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

#20618445
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (75092) - you deserved it (9087)

On 04/24/2013 at 2:56pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in public. She happily said yes, and the surrounding crowd cheered for us. About 10 minutes later, after the excitement died down, she leaned over and quietly said, "Actually, I don't want to marry you. I only said yes so I wouldn't disappoint the crowd." FML

#20622674
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (73013) - you deserved it (10039)

On 04/26/2013 at 5:17am - love - by Anonymous -

Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML

#20615694
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (70215) - you deserved it (9273)

On 04/23/2013 at 12:08pm - intimacy - by Soundofaboner - United States

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

#20590768
203 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69265) - you deserved it (3365)

On 04/14/2013 at 4:39pm - misc - by bntje (woman) - Netherlands (Overijssel)

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

#20596072
161 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69008) - you deserved it (12170)

On 04/16/2013 at 9:27am - intimacy - by notacaveman (man) - Netherlands

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

#20593773
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68872) - you deserved it (6140)

On 04/15/2013 at 2:36pm - love - by wow (woman) - Russian Federation (Saint Petersburg City)

Today, my virginal girlfriend of a year graduated from veterinary school. She can shove her arm shoulder-deep up a cow's ass without blinking, but still feels too insecure to even touch my penis. FML

#20596452
229 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68629) - you deserved it (17864)

On 04/16/2013 at 1:44pm - intimacy - by Gurior - Canada

Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML

#20581880
213 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68569) - you deserved it (10888)

On 04/09/2013 at 7:05am - intimacy - by saywhat (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

#20612533
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68392) - you deserved it (4838)

On 04/22/2013 at 2:58am - love - by Stupid (woman) - United States (Idaho)



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