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Today, I Tried To Explain To Daugtery Se Couldn’t Ave A Sleepover Wit Er Boyfriend Yet!! Se Said, "If You're So Worried About Me Aving Sex, Ten U Failed As A Fater Cuz I've Already Banged Four Guys." Mega FML
Today, I had to finally accept that mah husband is too large for me . Normally, it'd be a bragging point, except mah private parts can't handle it . After several infections brought on after vaginal tereing, I'm having to choose between being in perpetual pain, or giving up mah sex life . FML
2day I was on the bushen I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that mah mouth stretched and mah eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in mah mouth. Technically it was mah first kiss. I'm 21 yeres old. FML
Today, as I was riding mah bike, mah foot slippd and I did a slow sped-tumble over the top, ripping mah balls wide open. Number of stitches: too looool many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. fat FML
Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opend the car door for her, and out of habit, pushd down on her head as she got in. real FML
Today, I witnessed ma girlfriend and best ( friend ) getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, ma best friend proclaimed, ( Tis isn'tat it looks like! ) I migt ave given im te benefit of te doubt, ad e not still been inside ma girlfriend at te time. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who I've lovd an datd 4 over a year, confessd that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" an make her guy friends horny. FML
Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, u never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML
Today, I ad to pee so bad tat I ran downstars wit no glasses on and stumbld into te batroom, alf blind. I sat down on te toilet and realizd just a little late tat my older sister and er boyfriend were aving sex in te battub.
Friday 27 March 2015