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Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2012 at 1:15am / United States / Money

Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2013 at 12:01pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML

by Garchomp / 07/08/2013 at 10:08pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

by fuckkkkk / 05/17/2015 at 2:31am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2015 at 9:02am / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend accidentally called me from his pocket. I thought it would be funny to see what him and his friends were talking about. I laughed when I heard him talking about us fooling around until I realized it wasn't me. FML

by Em / 10/15/2009 at 2:12am / Love

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

by Brinty / 10/24/2009 at 12:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

by radioactiveglowinthedarkthing / 10/10/2011 at 3:06pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Health

Today, I found out that the woman from My Strange Addiction who can't stop picking her scabs is married. I've been single for two years and I don't even pick my nose. FML

by Sam / 11/25/2012 at 11:39pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

by Dave / 09/10/2009 at 9:37am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

by badenoughflowers / 01/14/2013 at 10:47am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into my elderly client's home for my first day of work. I was immediately hit in the eye with something small, and had to get medical attention for a scratched cornea. It turns out my client likes to clip his toenails right by his front door. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2014 at 10:00am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I found out why my wife has been cold and distant lately. She went to a psycho fraudster - sorry, I mean "psychic medium" - who said I'm lusting after other women and am thinking about leaving her. She actually believed him. Now I'm considering leaving her for real. Well played, I guess. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2014 at 4:52pm / Belgium / Love