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Today, my friends and I rented a party bus, which broke down on the highway 45 minutes into the ride. I paid the guy for the whole four hours. He said he was going to flag down a car to get someone to help us. We saw him get into a car and leave. FML

by tim12345 / 07/25/2011 at 12:08pm / United States / Money

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

by me / 03/11/2012 at 10:49pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

by Not Mrs Soprano / 07/08/2013 at 7:57am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

by no salt, no burning, just STFU / 03/08/2015 at 10:41am / United States / Animals

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

by vargasm / 01/18/2009 at 7:12am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was working as the shift manager at my job at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before clocking in. Kris is a woman. FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2009 at 2:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, my sister and I got into an argument at a tennis court which ended up with her trying to run me over in the parking lot. I stepped to the side and hit her door, denting it. My parents expect me to pay for the damage caused by my sister trying to kill me. FML

by toyotasmash / 10/07/2010 at 7:37pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

by bittenbyadonkey / 01/28/2011 at 12:23pm / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Intimacy

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

by 11lyss1 / 05/23/2011 at 12:26am / Work

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

by Alice / 10/24/2012 at 12:52pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I was finally asked out on a date after a year of being single. Turns out he got the wrong number. FML

by foreveralone / 07/23/2013 at 5:51am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2013 at 2:19am / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, I held the door for an elderly woman. As she walked through, she looked at me and told me I was a very handsome man and that I should meet her grandson. The woman was my grandmother, and yes, I'm straight. FML

by rick / 12/02/2013 at 4:15pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous