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Today, I went to a local bar for a speed dating event. The first person I hooked up with took one look at my face, burst into laughter, and walked out of the bar practically doubling over. FML

by Isitreallythatbad, / 12/22/2013 at 12:37am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my son mutter to himself, "If Hitler could do it to that many people, so could I..." Anyone recommend a good psychiatrist? FML

by failure / 11/02/2014 at 3:57pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

by Soverytired / 12/11/2014 at 8:29am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

by Forded / 09/01/2010 at 7:11pm / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

by Theaccident / 01/22/2011 at 5:03am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I attended my first day of school 4 days after reconstructive surgery. But no worries: I'm sure my alien-like appearance and 2 hours of Darth Vader style breathing in an otherwise silent test room will make me lots of friends. FML

by carobee / 08/24/2013 at 12:25am / United States (Washington) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I received a phone call from the counselor at my son's preschool, requesting that I come pick him up. He was barking incessantly at his classmates. And when they asked him to stop, he growled. FML

by misfitunfit / 03/12/2015 at 4:50pm / United States (California) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I'm studying abroad in Russia, and I lost my keys to my dorm room. In the office I asked for a spare and she spoke really fast so I couldn't hear her. Assuming I don't speak Russian, she gets on the phone and calls maintenance saying, "There is this ugly girl about to cry... come fix it." FML

by icanunderstand / 07/10/2009 at 8:50am / Russian Federation (Saint Petersburg City) / Miscellaneous

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

by linzl00 / 12/06/2013 at 7:21am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

by adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway / 12/17/2013 at 10:38am / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Health

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

by bachelor / 09/26/2009 at 2:15pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

by racist / 10/15/2010 at 2:00am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said "No left turn". As I was getting my ticket, I watched as three cars turned left. The cop saw them, laughed, and said, "I guess you're the unlucky one." FML

by copper / 01/29/2011 at 9:20pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous