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Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

by lucasbeck99 / 03/31/2015 at 5:35am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

by bymyself / 02/06/2011 at 9:05pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

by dumped / 04/17/2011 at 5:12pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Love

Today, I was cutting a client's hair, and she was complaining about how itchy her head was from having it too long. As I lay down my comb and shears, three lice bugs ran across my counter. FML

by alexbrooke / 09/26/2013 at 10:33pm / United States (Kentucky) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

by fuggers :/ / 11/24/2013 at 4:38pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Work

Today, I had to explain to my father why it isn't a good idea to shove a metal knife into the toaster when trying to get at a small piece of toast. This man is 45-years-old and has a PhD. FML

Today, I finally noticed how lonely I am when I realized I was petting my couch while reading a book. FML

by Hammy / 11/24/2014 at 9:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, a man approached me and told me he wanted to drink my dirty bath water. FML

by sam882 / 02/23/2015 at 1:49am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

by atetoeate / 08/27/2010 at 2:49am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

by spooked / 11/22/2013 at 1:20am / United States (Indiana) / Kids

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

by awkword / 12/31/2013 at 12:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, my dad yelled at me for being irresponsible while he watched me fold his laundry. FML

by hannahg / 03/23/2014 at 8:44pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

by shmoooopie / 05/28/2015 at 11:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy