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Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2012 at 10:07pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2014 at 1:51pm / United States / Health

Today, I told my boyfriend that it's time for him to stop blaming others and own up to his mistakes. He retorted, "Don't blame me!" FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2014 at 3:25am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I went to the coffee shop for my usual morning latte before class. When I got my drink, I asked again to make sure it was soy. The barista assured me it was. It wasn't. I'm ridiculously lactose intolerant and just spent six hours throwing up because she was too lazy to correct her mistake. FML

by sick / 09/30/2009 at 11:12am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my wonderful dog had pooped and peed all over my room. My mother was kind enough to dog-sit; however, instead of helping me by cleaning up the horrid mess, she just left me coupons for Glade plug-in air fresheners. FML

by PuppyLove2009 / 11/13/2009 at 1:34pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

by Anonymous / 11/20/2009 at 4:27pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

by Normal / 12/12/2009 at 11:39pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend refused to have his hair treated against lice, because "men don't have lice". FML

by scratchy / 12/08/2010 at 9:56am / Israel (HaDarom) / Health

Today, I was at the grocery store with my dad. He let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart. The people behind us started gagging, so he turned, pointed at me and said "That was my daughter." FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 3:28am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my landlord came and beat on my door demanding the rent check. I just got home from a trip and my wife was supposed to pay it while I was away. What happened to the money? Black Friday. FML

by kittyslayer / 12/14/2011 at 9:46pm / United States / Holidays

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

by c / 02/08/2012 at 7:07pm / Love

Today, while working at Subway, I was about to take a guy's order. He quickly held up a hand and asked for someone else to make his sub, because he doesn't like "ugly people" touching his food. FML

by /(•'_'•)\ / 09/07/2013 at 12:59pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, my obsessive ex, who recently cut my phone line to stop me from talking to my boyfriend of three years, got a job at the same restaurant where both my boyfriend and I work. FML

by georgiaswish / 11/20/2013 at 3:05pm / United Kingdom / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.