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Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML

by sore / 01/04/2010 at 6:30am / Intimacy

Today, my house was broken into. Apparently, I have nothing good enough in my house to steal, so they took my cake. FML

by Amanda / 11/19/2010 at 12:14am / Miscellaneous

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

by Anonymous / 04/20/2011 at 9:39pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

by Anonymous / 07/07/2012 at 6:00pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of us getting married some day. She said she wasn't sure about me yet and that we may want to go in different directions soon. We've been dating for three years and I had the ring in my pocket at the moment. FML

by chao / 12/21/2009 at 9:47pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2010 at 7:01am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2010 at 11:20pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

by dominator152 / 06/10/2010 at 8:57pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

by KaySchrages92 / 10/24/2011 at 9:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML

by no name / 06/22/2013 at 3:20am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

by hannahisacooler / 07/16/2013 at 7:41pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, one of the guests I was in the middle of seating knocked an empty wine glass from the table. I assured them it was all right and kneeled down to pick up the now broken glass. The lady insisted on helping as far as picking the glass up and dumping the shards into my open hands. FML

by shadowednavi / 04/26/2009 at 12:35am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML

by soul0eater / 03/12/2011 at 2:18am / Saudi Arabia (Ar Riyad) / Kids