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Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

by missbutthole / 06/04/2011 at 9:07am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

by Anonymous / 03/30/2014 at 2:45pm / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Health

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

by MoRuined / 10/09/2014 at 6:27am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Love

Today, my partner and I were spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some song lyrics, saying "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife...". We all laughed, and then my partner said "Boy, you got THAT right." FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2009 at 3:22pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Love

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

by unlucky / 04/20/2013 at 5:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was formally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. My mom saw this as an excuse to make me clean the whole house top to bottom, because "Hey, you love to clean." FML

by ocdistheworst / 08/26/2013 at 4:05pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2014 at 1:49pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Money

Today, just to win a bet against my mum that he could make me scream like a bitch, my dad faked his own suicide. He went the whole mile: fake blood everywhere, fake gun, yelling "Goodbye!" and playing a loud gunshot sound effect from his PC, everything. My dad won; my underwear lost. FML

by pissed out pants / 01/18/2015 at 4:58pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, after not receiving my paycheck for over a month, I confronted my boss about it. His response? "You still work here?" FML

by outofajob / 07/08/2011 at 1:10am / United States / Work

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

by Stevie / 08/16/2011 at 2:52am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

by confusedbutloved / 07/08/2012 at 8:42am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I emailed 10 parents inviting them to my son's birthday party. All 10 emailed back saying their kids had to get a cavity filled. FML

by Paris101 / 02/22/2013 at 9:51am / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2013 at 1:08pm / United States (Washington) / Work