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Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

by Lolaa123 / 09/25/2011 at 12:03am / United States / Kids

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

by vsshopper / 02/22/2012 at 2:21pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my math teacher raged at a student for eating an apple in class. As he yelled at the student, he slapped the apple out of his hand and right into my face. Everyone laughed, including the teacher. FML

by WTFruits / 05/29/2013 at 2:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, instead of taking down the Christmas tree, my sister covered it with Valentine's Day decorations. FML

by lolcat97 / 01/28/2015 at 5:35pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

by arse of fire :( / 02/22/2013 at 7:31pm / United Kingdom (Slough) / Health

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2013 at 11:21am / United States / Health

Today, I took my younger sister to see Santa for a photo. Santa insisted that I was in the photo too. I wasn't sure why he made such a big deal about it until he groped me while the photo was being taken. FML

Today, while lifeguarding, a kid thought it'd be hilarious to take a crap in the pool. The other kids freaked out and rushed to get out. Several of them slipped on the way out and hurt themselves fairly badly. Two parents are now threatening to sue us, and my boss blames me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/25/2014 at 5:53pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, a guy tried to pick me up with the line, "You're ugly. Just kidding. You're my date." FML

by thebigtwinkie / 09/10/2014 at 3:52am / Romania (Bucuresti) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to the dry-cleaner's and went to get my bag of laundry from my trunk, but I ended up dropping the bag. My dirty underwear blew around the parking lot. I had to chase it all down as a bunch of people looked on. FML

by embarrassed / 12/19/2014 at 2:24pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

by snortingspunk / 12/03/2015 at 7:52am / South Africa / Intimacy

Today, I was standing in the parking lot with my sister, after my aunt's funeral, when my grandma walks up and says to my sister, "You're the one going places in life, I'm proud to have you as a grand daughter." She then looked at me, and walked away. FML

by AnnaMarie. / 02/28/2009 at 3:41pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

by greattt / 02/10/2009 at 4:15pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous