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Today, what I thought was going to be a lunch date turned into a life insurance sales pitch. FML

by WhiteCaribbean / 09/22/2014 at 3:38pm / Saint Lucia (Castries) / Intimacy

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

by patient_mom / 06/13/2015 at 9:27pm / Australia (Victoria) / Animals

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

by monquiqui / 07/04/2011 at 1:45am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2012 at 10:26am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was out on a family walk, when I overheard two women talking to each other. One of them was wondering how a kid with such good looking parents and grandparents could be so ugly. That kid is my daughter. FML

by Kittykat900 / 05/22/2013 at 12:47pm / United Kingdom (York) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

by Never Again / 08/09/2016 at 2:17pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I found a letter in the postbox at my new flat which ran something along these lines of: "Hi. We're the gas company. You owe us £1,229.79 and have 7 days to pay us. Lotsa love, dated 7th September." FML

by Anonymous / 10/04/2009 at 9:40am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned why the phrase "seafood taco salad" terrifies everyone in the school's cafeteria. What happened to me after eating it made Saw III look like a Disney movie. FML

by Mandy / 03/26/2012 at 6:21pm / United States / Health

Today, I learned that my parrots now can shit horizontally when I found the wall next to the cage covered in feces. FML

by StefanKa / 09/09/2013 at 5:30am / Poland (Mazowieckie) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after coming home from a two week vacation, my dog was pink, there were beer bottles and used condoms on my bed, and everything was a mess. I asked my sister, who'd been watching over the place, what had happened. She just said "Oops." and hung up. FML

by nayahbear24 / 08/27/2014 at 6:52pm / United States (New Jersey) / Holidays

Today, I was working at the daycare. As I left with my boyfriend, a kid came up to us and said that my boyfriend could do way better. FML

by unlucky / 09/03/2014 at 1:40pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I greeted my boss with, "Looking good, did you lose weight?" He responded that no, he'd just purchased larger pants. FML

by candy / 02/11/2016 at 7:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my friend who has the same birthday by going out to dinner with a bunch of our friends. The waiter brought out a cake for my friend but not for me. No one noticed my exclusion. I sang happy birthday on my birthday. FML

by jet8725 / 02/22/2009 at 11:05pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous