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Today, I was running the register at my work and this big lady pulls her wad of cash out of her bra and hands it to me. The bills she handed me were moist. FML

by Anonymous / 04/21/2009 at 2:12pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom gave me a talk on safe sex. During a three hour car ride. With my friends in the back seat. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2009 at 1:15pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

by Bilirubin / 02/20/2010 at 11:22am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, a girl I work with was talking to me in an Eeyore voice. I'm not sure if it's because she's sad and pathetic, or if she thinks I'm sad and pathetic. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2010 at 10:36am / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I told a guy at work about my boyfriend. His immediate response was to ask me if I was making him up. He's the third person to react this way. FML

by UglyApparently / 10/05/2011 at 12:03pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Work

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

by overseasbummer / 11/14/2014 at 2:09pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Love

Today, I went on a date with a girl who had to cut our date short so she could go on another one. FML

by Anonomous / 12/08/2014 at 12:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I saw a real, erect penis for the first time. My brother's, while he was jerking off. He doesn't know I saw, because he was holding a pair of panties over his face with his other hand. I'm trying like hell to act like I'm not mentally scarred. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2015 at 12:58pm / Australia / Intimacy

Today, thanks to the terrible carpool planning of one of my friends, I had the pleasure of driving both of my ex-boyfriends to homecoming. Neither one of them knew that I had dated the other, but they sure do now. FML

by badplannning / 10/04/2015 at 1:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, my friend asked me if I could watch her mother's cats while they go on vacation. I agreed since her house is on my way to work. When I talked to her mother, I found out she has 30-something cats. She reckons she lost count. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2009 at 4:22am / United States (Indiana) / Animals

Today, while at work I went to use the public restroom because I had a severe case of diarrhea. All went well until the timed sensor lights went off and I couldn't leave my stall to get them back on. I sat there for thirty minutes in pure darkness. FML

by Bathroom Problems / 01/02/2010 at 2:24pm / France / Work

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

by shyshy96679 / 06/20/2011 at 6:42pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at an estate sale of my neighbor who recently passed. I recognized many items for sale that I had ordered or won on eBay from the past 8 years. Turns out the little old lady had been stealing my mail for close to a decade. FML

by GarageSallin / 02/07/2013 at 10:24am / Miscellaneous