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Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

by patient_mom / 06/13/2015 at 9:27pm / Australia (Victoria) / Animals

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

by nicedoggy / 10/23/2012 at 2:05pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

by Mattrd / 02/04/2013 at 7:42pm / United States / Health

Today, a coworker complimented me on losing weight, and said that she wished she could drop a few pounds too. I was too embarrassed to tell her that the only reason I've lost weight is because I haven't been able to afford to eat. FML

by shouldbehappyiguess / 07/11/2013 at 2:20am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

by Anonymous / 03/18/2016 at 4:56pm / United States / Love

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice, we were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes she asked me "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?". She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

by Jpah / 06/23/2009 at 8:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my condo board refused to lift the new policy requiring pet owners to carry dogs in common areas because someone's dog is peeing in the hall. I can't physically carry my two dogs, so I'm now forced to wheel them through the building in a borrowed baby stroller. FML

by Slivered / 11/18/2009 at 4:50am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, my dad found and read my diary. Most of the entries were about how my father didn't respect my privacy. Then he phoned my aunt and read her passages from it. FML

by ugh / 06/05/2010 at 7:49pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

by inapickle / 05/16/2012 at 4:20am / United States (Maine) / Kids

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

by fmlgirl / 05/09/2014 at 2:44pm / Netherlands (Zeeland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I greeted my boss with, "Looking good, did you lose weight?" He responded that no, he'd just purchased larger pants. FML

by candy / 02/11/2016 at 7:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

by Noalixah / 10/26/2008 at 10:22pm / Finland (Southern Finland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to tell my grandpa, who immediately said, "I'm sorry, let's go get ice cream to cheer you up." FML

by Anonymous / 09/17/2009 at 3:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous