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Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 9:26am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML

by Nakdnathan / 09/16/2009 at 12:19pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

by sickofsick / 12/29/2009 at 10:11pm / United States / Health

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 1:47pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my boyfriend and his friends talking in the next room. I smiled when my boyfriend called me beautiful, only to hear his friend laugh and say, "C'mon, dude. She has fat ankles and smells like deli meat." FML

by sausagefingers / 10/22/2012 at 1:29am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I got harassed and screamed at by a middle-aged man for parking in a spot close to the store, because he wanted the same spot so he didn't have to walk so far with his groceries. He took a photo and vowed to report me to the authorities. FML

by couch girl / 06/25/2013 at 12:23pm / Singapore / Work

Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML

by rubgy_lover / 06/27/2013 at 11:02am / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, I had to get an MRI. I double and triple checked to make sure there was no out-of-pocket cost. When I arrived at the testing center, I was expected to pay full price for the test. It costs $2,360. FML

by insurance lies / 07/08/2013 at 10:48am / United States / Health

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

by tardspawn / 04/05/2015 at 11:38am / United Kingdom (West Sussex) / Health

Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2015 at 3:10am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. FML

by anon / 03/23/2011 at 12:56am / Miscellaneous

Today, while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee, my dad suddenly rushed in, knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself. Then, my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to "put me out." FML

by inalotofpain / 04/16/2011 at 8:46am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2012 at 9:41pm / United States (Georgia) / Love